Tag Archives: Re-Train your Instincts

Focus on What’s Working

I worked with a couple, Julie and Tom, who came to see me shortly after they got married. They’d called each other “soul mates.” However, once they tied the knot, Julie started pointing out problems, trying to get Tom to fit into the image she wanted her marriage to be like.

Save Your Relationship

In her attempt to nip the problems in the bud, she initiated conversations with Tom. She told him about the sadness and worry she was feeling.

She expressed her disappointment and frustration with the way things were going between them, and she tried to tell him what was important to her.

When she did this, he lashed out in anger at her and backed away. The “conversations” seemed to Tom like long, drawn out criticisms of how he was failing. He started saying, “I just can’t seem to make you happy.”

Guys will back out when they can’t make you happy.

They turn off. They see your happiness as vitally important and your unhappiness as a sign of their failure. It’s evidence to them that they can’t fix it. And over time, they shut down, spiraling into inertia.

Men don’t try, they only do. Can you see how that’s a set up for relationship failure?

The more Tom backed away, the more fear Julie had about their future, the more angry she became and the more she tried to get him to understand what needed to be “fixed.” It was a downward spiral.

The problem is that our brains are wired to look for danger and things we don’t like, and to call up past memories, so we don’t make the same mistakes again. It’s an attempt to avert disaster. It’s our survival instinct.

In order to make changes that will get you what you want, you must retrain your mind to see something other than what you’re wired to look for.

Julie and Tom had forgotten to high-light what was working in their relationship and express appreciation and gratitude for each other.

They were letting fear get in the way of their love for each other.

Love survives the inevitable ups and downs in relationships when we are conscious about where we put our attention and focus, and choose instead to express what we appreciate about our partner regularly to them.

Julie started coaching with me first, and what I worked on with her was to bring her focus back to the present moment and to turn her attention on what she liked, appreciated and valued – to remember why she had married Tom.

It was hard to do when we started working together because there was so much tension between them, but she was committed and persevered.

I had her call her energy back into this present moment by catching herself when she started worrying. She was re-training her mind to look for the things that she liked, appreciated, and were working, and then express them and only them to Tom.

Tom had to get himself into the present moment too. He’d been reacting with anger to Julie because of a memory of his previous long-term relationship that had ended badly. He’d seen himself as a failure. My work with Tom was to heal the memory of his past relationship, so that he wasn’t projecting worry onto his marriage with Julie.

By being in the present moment and focusing their attention and energy on what was working, they’ve been able to remember why they got married and co-create the future they truly want together.

Through our work together, they began expressing gratitude and appreciation for each other daily and enhanced the love they have for each other.

If you’re experiencing similar challenges in your relationship, maybe it’s time for a reboot? Click here to learn more and request a Relationship Breakthrough Session for you and your partner. I’m here to help!

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Getting to a Place of Choice in your relationship

On a scale of 1-10, how successful are your relationship instincts? Do they serve you well? Or run you ragged?

Exchanging Instinct for Choice

Have you ever stayed in an an unhealthy relationship because it felt safer? Had sex before you were ready? Stuck around because the kids come first? Forgotten what you need to be happy in your relationship?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you’ve experienced how easily instinct can sabotage your attempts to have a great relationship. But what is instinct and why does it work so diligently at your expense?

Instinct is your unconscious bio-chemical response mechanism tasked to secure survival.

That’s it. It’s the non-negotiable hard-wiring that motivates our behaviors and responses at every turn, guiding us to seek food and shelter, safety, companionship, and the means to pro-create.

Instinct will have men provide and protect and women support and adapt, without regards to compatibility, mutual benefit, securing joy and harmony, or getting your “fulfill me” needs met.

At its worst, instinct overshadows what Spirit has to offer because the majority of instinct assumes the perspectives of others (erroneously most times) and comes from a place of fear: Fear of loneliness; Fear of failure; Fear of losing the support of our family and friends.

Spirit is the place of Choice and Enhancement.

It’s about consciously choosing a partner and consciously creating the experience of joy, partnership, intimacy and integrity instead of letting Instinct guide you unchecked.

Spirit is what allows us the capacity to re-train our Instincts!

Re-training your Instincts requires working to understand them first. Working to figure out the positive intention underlying the “need” they are trying to fulfill.

Clearing out past hurts.

Committing to find clarity for yourself about what you want your relationship to look like in concrete terms.

Co-creating Conscious Partnership then becomes about representing clearly who you are, what you want and need, and what you’re able to provide for your partner.

Understanding the difference between Being In Instinct or Being At Choice with your partner is the cornerstone of ALL joyous and love-lived relationships because when you are At Choice, you can freely create deeper, more satisfying, and longer-lasting connections with your partner!

Sounds yummy, huh?

If you or someone you know has been experiencing challenges getting to the place of Choice in dating or relating, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to move beyond Instinct to the place of actively creating Conscious Partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Demystifying Men and Women’s Feelings

Everyone feels sensations in their bodies that they translate into emotions. Although the words “feeling” and “emotion” are often used interchangeably, they are not quite the same thing.

Emotions

Feelings are the physiological sensations in our bodies that we translate into emotional labels like anger, love, joy and a multitude of others. (The word “feeling” means a lot more than that, but for the purposes of this article we’re talking about feelings and emotions.)

What two people feel sensationally in their body won’t necessarily be described or even experienced in the same way. For instance, it is the same physiological sensation in the body that some people call fear, and others call excitement.

What you label your experience has a lot to do with how you perceive your experience, which has to do with your beliefs, values, history, and your “story.” It’s a matter of interpretation.

Men and women both have feelings and emotions, but it often doesn’t seem that way. That’s because men and women have very different ways of dealing with the emotions they experience.

Gals, have you ever asked your man how he was feeling and had him tell you he was “fine,” and you knew that wasn’t the case?

  • You sensed that something was going on, but you didn’t know what.
  • You saw him fuming and knew he was holding something back?
  • He didn’t want to talk about it?
  • The more you asked what was going on, the more aggravated he got?

Women are biologically wired to sense what is going on in their environment because it keeps them safe. There was a study done recently about women and eavesdropping. It was practically impossible for a woman not to hear what was going on around her. Knowing what’s going on with the people in her life and in her environment helps her to assess potential challenges and dangers.

For a woman, an upset or angry man is a potential danger, so she tries to assess the situation by asking questions. Women try to figure out what someone is going to do based on what they are feeling, because that’s the way it works for women.

Women tend to act on their feelings because they trust them implicitly.

Guys, women always want to know what you’re feeling about something because women feel something, and then they act on that feeling.

On the other hand…

Men don’t trust feelings because they generally don’t act on them. In fact, men who do are often ridiculed.

An extreme example of this is a man in a battle, he may be afraid, but he’s going to do what he thinks he should do, not what he feels.

To be seen as a coward is a fate worse than death. It would mean he would lose the respect that is vital to his manhood.

So when a woman is expressing her feelings, he may try to be empathetic, but most often, he’s really looking for the point as a way of helping her solve the problem.

  • Sometimes she’s just venting about a problem at work.
  • Sometimes she’s angry about something that her friend did.

Guys, there have been times when you’ve tried to help and gotten reprimanded. Right?

  • Sometimes she’s trying to get you to do something or change something.
  • Sometimes she’s hurt by something you did or didn’t do.
  • Sometimes she’s angry with you.

And if she’s upset with you, you’ll often see yourself as the cause of her pain. If it happens often enough, you’ll see yourself as failing at making her happy.

Gals, men will leave if they can’t make you happy. They see making you happy as their job.

I told my husband that it wasn’t his job to make me happy the other day, and he told me, “it works out better if I see making you happy as my job.”

It causes him to focus on doing things that I like and that make me happy, and he gets to be my hero, and then we’re both happy.

Now let’s look at how men experience feelings and what they do with them. They do feel, and they feel very deeply.

The way it generally works for men is that they feel something, and then think about what they are going to do with that feeling, and then they act on it.

Often what they do is totally contrary to what a woman would do given the same feelings.

The operative word is “think.” Men tend to think about what is logical to do in the face of the information at hand.

They think about whether or not it will help to talk something through.

If he doesn’t see an upside to talking something out, or sharing his feelings, he won’t.

Especially if he is afraid of something like not being able to provide for his family, he’ll keep it to himself.

In fact, for a man to share his feelings he has to feel incredibly safe with the person he’s speaking to. Men do not just act on a feeling the way a woman does.

Men don’t trust feelings.

  • If he thinks you’ll be upset with him for what he’s feeling, he won’t share it.
  • If he thinks you’ll think less of him, he won’t share it.
  • If he thinks he you will overreact and do something like leave him out of anger, he won’t share it.
  • If he thinks it might hurt his cause or foil his plan, he won’t share it.

Can you see how this dynamic might lead to immense challenges in your relationship?

For both men and women, it means the world to be accepted for who they are, but they go about it differently.

She reveals her feelings and he conceals his feelings.

The more she tries to pry it out of him, the more he clams up. The more upset a woman is, the more she tries to express herself.

When you have two people unable to share what they are experiencing, they begin to feel isolated in their relationship and their sense of connection deteriorates.

The way around this is to understand the the vast differences between men and women and learn to navigate those differences. The result is less time spent upset, frustrated and hurt and more time loving.

If you and your partner are having challenges connecting, it might be time for a Relationship Breakthrough Session. You’ll get focused one-on-one time with me and an opportunity to see what you can do to reconnect with your partner. There’s nothing to lose and everything to gain.
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

How Good Women Destroy Their Relationships

There is a hidden killer in relationships. It is the perpetual disempowerment of your partner through emasculation.

How to end Emasculation

Emasculation is depriving your partner, and other men in your life, of their strength and power and making them weak.

What emasculation looks like is a man becoming unmotivated or unable to function effectively in the relationship and in the world. Emasculation is most often done unconsciously but it can be done intentionally too.

Emasculation breaks men down so they have lost their power to function, to provide and protect, and of their virility.

We do this by criticizing men and not empowering them to be the providers and protectors they are driven to be. And it’s not just you, male bashing is a prevalent disease in our culture.

Why? Because we think of strong men as dangerous. What we don’t understand is that strong men are also protectors. They love to contribute to us when what we need is clear and we receive it well.

10 Ways we emasculate men and what you can do instead:

1. When we’re frustrated, we tend to criticize. So get clear on what you want and learn to express it the way he can receive it.

2. When we get into a relationship we try to fix our man and shape him into what we want. Instead, learn about men and accept him as he is.

3. When we are upset, we tend to complain. Instead, let him know what you need.

4. When we’re upset, we let him know it, by telling him how we feel. Instead, tell him what you appreciate, and then let him know what you want instead.

5. When we want to let him know what we want, we often compare him to other men who are doing what we want. Instead, be clear about what you want instead of giving comparisons.

6. When we’re frustrated, we tend to treat him like a child. Instead, respect him as an adult, and he’ll act like one.

7. When we aren’t getting our needs met, we tend to distrust his ability to take care of us so we take over. Instead, let him know that you believe in him.

8. When we’re upset we tend to pull away and act like his presence doesn’t matter. Instead, let him know you are still there and love him and his presence is important to you.

9. When we aren’t getting what we need in our relationship we tend to withhold attention. Instead of pulling away, let him know what you need and stay present.

10. When we are upset, we tend to act like his needs don’t matter. Relationships are about partnership, both of your needs matter, so let him know you value what he needs too.

Men and women are wired differently and if you don’t understand those differences, you’ll be speaking different languages which will end up in frustration.

Take the time to learn about your partner and how he operates in the world. Learn what you can do to create a win/win relationship by requesting a Relationship Breakthrough Session now.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist