Category: Weeding out the Killers: Criticism, Anger, Frustration and Resentment

Little hurts build up over time to create Criticism, Anger, Frustration, and Resentment. Left unchecked, these will lead to heartbreak and the inevitable death of your relationship.

Moving from Stuck in Emotional Pain to Healing Your Heart Once and For All

Pain in our bodies is usually there to tell us something. It’s a messenger.

If your ankle hurts after a fall, you’ve likely sprained it. Chronic heartburn could be an indication of a hernia. A migraine after a long day might be the result of tension.

You could pop an Advil for the ankle or the headache, and take some Mylanta for the sour stomach.

And you’d probably get some immediate relief.

But you’d only be addressing the symptoms. Unless you treat the root cause (get off the ankle, fix the hernia, or lower your stress levels), you’ll keep experiencing the same pain.

Not only that, but the pain can escalate in intensity.

Emotional pain in our hearts – and the way we often respond to it – works the same way.

How We Stay Stuck In Emotional Pain

When you feel under-appreciated, dissatisfied, frustrated, abandoned, or criticized in your relationship, you want to make the emotional pain go away.

And if you’re like the many men and women I have worked with, here’s what you’re most likely to do:

Unhappy couple

  • Fight with your partner
  • Withdraw from your partner
  • Leave your partner altogether

Yet, in each of these scenarios, you’ve only treated the “symptoms.”

Unless you uncover and dissolve the underlying cause of your pain, you will continue to hurt in love.

Pain in our hearts – the natural grief and other emotions that all humans feel – is a messenger too!

When you feel emotional pain in response to what your date or partner did – or didn’t do – that’s your inner compass telling you that there’s something that needs to be healed on the inside.

  • If you keep experiencing the pain of people leaving you, there is an underlying cause.
  • If you always feel like you’re the one giving in your relationship, there is an underlying cause.
  • If you feel like your partner isn’t sufficiently attracted to you, there is an underlying cause.

And you will keep attracting people and situations that trigger your emotional pain – whatever it is.

Heal Your Heart Once And For All

Just as physical pain resolves once you treat the underlying condition, your emotional pain will also stop once you treat the root causes…

  • That fight you keep having over and over with your partner will stop.
  • Those players you keep attracting will leave you alone.
  • That ache of dissatisfaction you feel in a relationship will vanish.

But recognizing where the challenges stem from can be tricky. After all, they’ve been with you for most of your life.

I’m a specialist in helping people tap into the root causes of their relationship pain.

If you want immediate help so you can zero in on exactly what’s causing the problems between you and your partner,

Please consider joining my 3-Month Relationship Navigation Intensive Program.

And if you think you ALREADY know the underlying reasons why you and your partner fight, you especially need this program.

I’ve found that most couples are completely wrong in their analysis of their own relationships, and their “diagnosis” is usually way off.

That’s precisely why they keep running into the same problems and experiencing the same emotional pain!

When you participate in The Relationship Navigation Intensive,

You’ll know how to truly heal your emotional pain and your relationship – and finally know what it’s like to experience healthy, lasting, and blissful love.

Click here to learn more.

If you are struggling in your relationship, or struggling to find your life partner,

I would be happy to discuss your situation and how the Relationship Navigation Intensive can help.

Schedule a 30-minute consultation on my calendar.

In the meantime, May Your Heart Feel Peace in Your Daily Relating…

I’m here for you. I’m on your side. 🙂

To Love!

Schedule 30 Minutes Now

Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Learn more about the Relationship Navigation Intensive

Healing Little Hurts So Love Can Thrive

I wanted to take a minute to talk about the little hurts in your relationship today because little hurts building up over time can destroy your most vital and loving intentions.

For example:

  • Maybe your partner says something that hurts your feelings and you shrug it off and “let it go” for the sake of diplomacy. You don’t want a confrontation, so you bury this little hurt today.
  • Maybe you go along with something that makes you feel uncomfortable for the sake of making your partner happy, but your contribution seems to be taken for granted – goes unappreciated – but you bury this little hurt today.
  • Maybe you’re tired of being nagged about something that’s not a priority right now and wonder what’s the point of even trying, but you bury this little hurt today.
  • Maybe you have mustered up the courage to tell your partner how you really feel about something that’s important to you, only to have it shot down, criticized, or ignored, but you bury this little hurt today.

Every single day, men and women choose to bury some little hurt because they love their partners and want to make their relationship work…

For the kids.

For security.

Because they cannot bear the thought of breakup.

Meanwhile, these little hurts are feeding self-preservational instincts below the surface, and building up to a downward spiral that can to destroy the love you have…

Just say NO to the Downward Spiral
Couple spiraling into preventable conflict


It does NOT have to be this way!

I have always said that you can be the most loving, compassionate, and spiritual person in the world and still get tripped up in your relationship because our instinctual nature, hidden in the unconscious mind, gets in the way of our conscious intentions whether we are aware of them or not.

When we know how instinct works, we can navigate it: we can trip, stumble a little, and recover quickly. But when instinct operates under the radar, the results can be emotionally catastrophic and lead to misery, distrust, betrayal, divorce…

The whole point of my coaching practice – and everything I do – is to provide you with reliable tools to recover quickly from little hurts, and create the relationship you truly desire – a conscious relationship that FEEDS YOUR LOVE instead of one that unconsciously challenges it at every turn.

Learn how to co-create a GREAT Relationship
Couple spending more time loving (due to less time recovering from little hurts!).

The bottom line is that LITTLE hurts happen when we don’t know where our partner is coming from – when we subconsciously expect our partners to think, feel and behave like we would, but in practice, men and women are different.

Men and women speak differently, listen differently, and have vastly different needs and expectations relating to commitment, safety, sex – you name it – and until we become CURIOUS about why our partner did or said something THAT WAY instead of the way we expected, we’re going to get it wrong.

If you don’t want to get it wrong,

If you want to:

  • immunize your current relationship against the erosion of little hurts…
  • or find your life partner with the benefit of foresight…

I would love to see you in person August 11-12th, 2018  in Berkeley.

Workshop DetailsDuring my 2-Day Voraciously Curious for Couples and Singles Workshop, I laser focus on some of our differences so that men and women can heal past hurts and begin co-creating GREAT RELATIONSHIPS together.

It’s going to be a great weekend filled with insights you won’t want to miss!

So click here to learn more and enroll before space runs out.

I hope to see you soon.




Voraciously Curious Workshop Homepage

Criticism Kills Relationships ~ So get rid of it now!

Have you ever wished you could “get more flies with honey” instead of choking on so much vinegar?

Criticism Kills Relationships

Before you laugh me off, consider this: criticism is the first of John Gottman’s famous Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

It predicts divorce with more than 90% accuracy!

Criticism is an easy form of ego defense: we’ve all done it; we’ve all received it. Underneath it all, we criticize when we feel devalued by behaviors and attitudes that we don’t understand.

While failing to understand where your partner is coming from creates problems, failing to understand how the masculine and feminine respond to criticism differently creates lingering hurts that build up over time to destroy the love you share.

It doesn’t have to be this way when you understand what you’re dealing with!

At it’s core, criticism is judgment and the Masculine Provider/Protector judges.

He’s FANTASTIC at continually evaluating his environment for strengths and weaknesses because this is what makes him EFFECTIVE, successful, and damned good at his job!

The Feminine Supporter-Adapter, on the other hand, has a very deep and strong aversion to judgement because it directly affects her feelings, and she values her feelings the way she values her life!

When she feels judged, there’s no love, and her Internal Critic can trigger a Rage Response: it’s ugly, has no reason, she hates it passionately, but there’s a voice inside of every woman that continually knit-picks and tells her she’s wrong, she could have done it this way, she should have done it that way, and there’s always someone else better than her…

There’s no upside to siding with this ‘Ideal Woman’ from the outside!

Maybe it would be better to call her the Ideal Critic, in point of fact.

This is VERY IMPORTANT TO RECOGNIZE because the Feminine responds to criticism by adapting her behavior. This is who she is! What she does! Adapting to her environment is what makes the Feminine timeless and EFFECTIVE!

For a woman criticized once, there will be no twice, because she will change to get a better response. Thus, she instinctively uses criticism to solicit change in others.

But the Masculine will not adapt. It’s not his job. He won’t even think about it because he does not naturally read between the lines to interpret that change is needed.

WOMEN: No amount of criticism will ever change your man!

It will just make him retract, withdraw, resent and avoid you. You need to speak directly about what change you want and what it will provide for you.

MEN: Women experience criticism like physical violence and you will never find a common ground for “reasoning” in their response.

Obviously, judgment is not wrong, but it is important to understand where and when it’s appropriate.

So whether you’re a woman or man, single or coupled, the NEXT TIME A MOMENT TO CRITICIZE SOMEONE YOU LOVE rears its ugly head, I invite you to be curious instead.

Assume they have a good reason for doing what they do and say “I’m curious, what had you do ________ that way?” or “You must have a good reason for doing what you did, would you be willing to tell me about your reason?”

You’ll get a lot farther through understanding instead of assuming.

If Criticism has moved you to crisis, there’s hope and help! I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to turn their dating and relating experiences around right now!

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist


Better yet, consider SHARING IT with your Facebook friends! 🙂

Have you ever felt snubbed by your partner’s advice?

Did you know that one of the biggest ways to get yourself into relationship trouble is to expect that you and your partner are the same?

Differences between Men and Women

For the last 40 or so years, as women have forged the right to work equally among men in the world, we’ve been trying to see each other as the same.

Having equality is essential, but “equality” is not the same as “sameness,” and this confusion does damage to how we relate to each other, especially in the relationship realm.

The truth is that biologically, we’re not the same. Men and women are hardwired differently. We have different motives and behaviors based on the way masculine and feminine modes of being play out in our life roles and interactions with one another.

Generally speaking, the Masculine Mode is single focused, time bound, and about producing for and protecting the people in their commitment circle.

Feminine Mode, on the other hand, focuses on many things simultaneously, is eternal, and works to support, nurture and enhance the lives of the people around her.

While both offer great contributions to each other, they misread each other most of the time and give advice based on their own perspective. This leads to frustration in relationships when the Masculine doesn’t do things the way the Feminine would do them, and vice versa.

It gets even worse when we are unable to see where our partner is coming from and make them wrong for being the way they are, then we get angry because they can’t be who we want them to be when we’re just trying to help.

Have you ever experienced that? I have.

I was working with a couple recently, and they weren’t seeing eye to eye about work. She is working on a huge time consuming project that she loves, is taking care of her aging mother, and works as a life coach. She spends a lot of time doing all kinds of things that she loves while her sweetheart has a job that he doesn’t particularly like.

He looks at her and sees her doing multiple things and wants to take care of her and help her to focus on one thing. So, he was saying things like, “Stop doing that,” or “Just focus on your project.” But to her, just focusing on her project would be like death. She cares for her mother, she loves her coaching AND she loves the project she’s working on.

She looks at him and sees him in a job that he hates. She hears him express his unhappiness about what he’s doing. She cares about him so she gives him the advice to do something that he loves, because that’s what she, as a woman, would put her attention on. It’s all about life enhancement for women. So she encourages him to do something that will enhance his life. However, her input gets brushed aside because what he’s doing provides for himself and his son. He can’t see himself leaving his job until his 15 year old son is grown.

On the surface it looked like they’re helping each other. But because they didn’t understand how the other one operated in the world, they were unintentionally hurting each other. If this type of conversation gets a foothold in your relationship, it can mean breakup or years of frustration.

When we worked together, he began to understand that his sweetheart loved what she was doing, and the best way to support her was to make sure she was getting some quality down time to nurture herself so she could do what she loved. She got that the best way to support him was to plant seeds for him that would help him leave his job and move onto something more fulfilling when his son was 18.

Understanding how your partner operates in the world not only averts relationship disaster, it creates the foundation for a life of relationship bliss.

If you want to learn more about the instinctual differences between men and women and how to avoid letting them run your relationship amok, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo who are committed to creating Conscious Partnership.
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

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How Good Women Destroy Their Relationships

There is a hidden killer in relationships. It is the perpetual disempowerment of your partner through emasculation.

How to end Emasculation

Emasculation is depriving your partner, and other men in your life, of their strength and power and making them weak.

What emasculation looks like is a man becoming unmotivated or unable to function effectively in the relationship and in the world. Emasculation is most often done unconsciously but it can be done intentionally too.

Emasculation breaks men down so they have lost their power to function, to provide and protect, and of their virility.

We do this by criticizing men and not empowering them to be the providers and protectors they are driven to be. And it’s not just you, male bashing is a prevalent disease in our culture.

Why? Because we think of strong men as dangerous. What we don’t understand is that strong men are also protectors. They love to contribute to us when what we need is clear and we receive it well.

10 Ways we emasculate men and what you can do instead:

1. When we’re frustrated, we tend to criticize. So get clear on what you want and learn to express it the way he can receive it.

2. When we get into a relationship we try to fix our man and shape him into what we want. Instead, learn about men and accept him as he is.

3. When we are upset, we tend to complain. Instead, let him know what you need.

4. When we’re upset, we let him know it, by telling him how we feel. Instead, tell him what you appreciate, and then let him know what you want instead.

5. When we want to let him know what we want, we often compare him to other men who are doing what we want. Instead, be clear about what you want instead of giving comparisons.

6. When we’re frustrated, we tend to treat him like a child. Instead, respect him as an adult, and he’ll act like one.

7. When we aren’t getting our needs met, we tend to distrust his ability to take care of us so we take over. Instead, let him know that you believe in him.

8. When we’re upset we tend to pull away and act like his presence doesn’t matter. Instead, let him know you are still there and love him and his presence is important to you.

9. When we aren’t getting what we need in our relationship we tend to withhold attention. Instead of pulling away, let him know what you need and stay present.

10. When we are upset, we tend to act like his needs don’t matter. Relationships are about partnership, both of your needs matter, so let him know you value what he needs too.

Men and women are wired differently and if you don’t understand those differences, you’ll be speaking different languages which will end up in frustration.

Take the time to learn about your partner and how he operates in the world. Learn what you can do to create a win/win relationship by requesting a Relationship Breakthrough Session now.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Are you tired of being angry?

Whether you’re single and want a relationship or you’re already in one, what I’m about to tell you about the perilous cycle of emasculation and objectification is one of the most challenging and important components for relationship success.

Rooting out Anger

It’s critical to understand how it works because it plays out all around us every single day, in subtle and dramatic ways.

Objectification is turning a person into an object.

Put simply, men do it to women by seeing them as sexual objects, and women do it to men by seeing them as meal tickets.

Emasculation is generally a way of being with men that deprives them of their strength, vigor, spirit and role. Essentially emasculating a man is to make him ineffective.

Both are ways of dis-empowering another human being.

We see another person as if they are a misbehaving version of ourselves if they are doing something we’d never do, or not doing something we’d absolutely do.

We tend to react by backing away and withholding ourselves or lashing out in anger. This anger looks like men treating women as objects, and women emasculating men.

When either sex feels threatened, they lash out at the other.

In order to make sense of it at all, let’s start by looking at human animal and human spirit. Human animal is our instinct about survival and procreation. It’s our default mode of being. It causes us to protect ourselves when we feel threatened.

Human spirit is our consciousness, it is about choice and it’s what makes great relationships possible. When we can choose how we want to respond to any situation, then we can love fully and experience the partnership we truly want.

Unfortunately, you can be the most conscious person in the world and still get tripped up by instinct.

Instinct is strong, raw and pervasive. You might think that it doesn’t impact your relationship because you’re conscious, but I’m here to tell you that very few people, if any, are above the pull of instinct. The best we can hope for is to understand it and learn how to navigate it.

Men and women are wired differently and see the world in different ways. Learning about how your partner experiences the world and learning to navigate the territory of being a “We” eliminates between 80-90% of relationship problems.

Through understanding where your partner is coming from, you will be able to find peace within yourself.

When you find peace within yourself, you won’t be angry with your partner. When you’re not angry with your partner and are coming from a place of peace within yourself, you can be conscious and create the relationship you truly want.

It all starts with you changing your perspective and choosing to see your partner as a unique being who is different than you are and bringing your best self into the relationship.

If you’re suffering from relationship challenges with the opposite sex and need help, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to turning things around.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Do You Take The Easy Way Out?

Have you found yourself repeating the same pattern in relationships?

Break the cycle of disappoinment

You met someone wonderful. You thought you’d found your soul-mate. Wondered where they’d been all your life. A person who shared your values, dreams and aspirations… and then they turned into a dud?

Same old story, different person?

It’s easy to complain. It’s easy to blame. It’s easy to criticize. It’s easy to make your partner responsible for your experience. If only they would just do what I wanted. If only they cared enough to do the right thing. It’s easy to call it quits instead of putting attention into your relationship. But is that going to really get you what you want?

If you left, then what? A new relationship? A new start? But you’ve done that before, haven’t you? Walked away because nothing was working anymore. The excitement was gone. The passion had died. The fantasy was shattered, and you couldn’t figure out how to fix it. You even tried everything you knew how to do.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you keep doing the same thing, guess what? You’re going to keep getting the same results.

What doesn’t feel easy, but works better than criticism, blame and calling it quits… AGAIN, is taking personal responsibility for how you feel and how you approach your relationship.

People spend years going from being deeply in love and getting married to hating their former spouse and calling it quits. I’ve seen the fallout from families destroyed, and the frustration of looking for someone new.

I’ve also seen relationships turn around with the right information that I teach in the Relationship Navigation System.

I believe that the only way to change your experience is to learn how to manage yourself, your emotions, learn what makes your partner tick, and learn how to successfully navigate your experience with the opposite sex.

Everything you feel radiates outward and attracts more of the same to you. Period. If you’re feeling angry or upset, it’s as though those feelings attract more situations that make you angry and upset. When you’re feeling good, you attract more good things. Things either spiral downward into the toilet or upward into the heavens. You’ve experienced it at least once. Right?

The problem is that just saying positive affirmations doesn’t work in relationships. You need to learn how to focus your attention and create the magnetism for what you truly want.

You need to learn how you and your partner tick. You need to learn what motivates, inspires and causes your partner to do the things they do.

If you don’t, you will be frustrated. If you don’t, you’ll see them as a misbehaving version of yourself. You’ll be frustrated at every turn and the feel like calling it quits.

If you need support, and want to learn a better way, sign up for a Relationship Breakthrough Session and find out how I can help.

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist