Category: Managing Your Energy and Taking Care of You

Managing your energy and taking care of you is a critical component to relationship success. Here you will find tips and inspiration to help you bring your best self to the table.

Bulletproof Woman Principle #1 Know Who You Are and What You Want

In relationship coaching, I see many women who have shields protecting their hearts. We call her the Bulletproof Woman. She is strong, successful and social. She has a good job or owns her own business. She is passionate, confident and has goals. She learned that she could have it all, but she is strangely unfulfilled, exhausted, and at times feels lonely. She has learned how to survive in a man’s world by putting on a bulletproof shield that has also kept her alone and isolated in her romantic personal life. She craves intimacy and doesn’t know how to get it. She doesn’t have the greatest boundaries: she either loses herself in relationships or shields herself in a way that keeps her from connecting with potential partners. She has often confused chemistry for love and has dived into one relationship after another only to find that she was not happy because she ignored red flags and deal breakers. If she is married, she might not have the depth of intimacy she craves.

Invest the time to discover who you are and what would make you happy. Seems obvious, right? A woman by nature is flexible and adaptable to those she cares about and to those around her. She tends to meet someone and lose herself in the relationship. She goes into adaptable “pleasing” mode. Being true to yourself is much easier when you are single, so before you are in a partnership, it is important to articulate with clarity who you are and what your life’s purpose is. This will help you set a strong foundation for meeting and keeping the perfect partner for you.

Texting and Needs

Welcome to Ask Kimi, where I answer your questions. Here’s a question from “Confused”…







“Hi Kimi,

I made the mistake (or impulsive decision) to text him last night and didn’t hear back. So now I am sitting with my feelings and wondering what to do next. I think that if and when he gets in contact again it will be time to ask him what he wants with me? I’m sure you have a better suggestion of how to approach the conversation.

I’m gonna listen to more sections of Relationship Navigation System today.

Thanks for everything!



Hi Confused,

I’ll answer your questions in two parts.


Ahhh. It happens. I feel you.

Men are single focused. They are always single focused, and we are always interrupting a man. Remember that single focus is not a bad thing, it’s just they’re wired differently than we are.

That’s the good news and the bad.

If you know you’re texting a single focused human being, you have some choices:

  • You can get upset, decide he isn’t into you, and block his humber.
  • You can choose to go on with your day, instead of taking it personally, if he doesn’t respond right back to you right away, and find something that makes your heart sing.
  • You can choose to do something that makes you happy instead of letting your upset fester in your heart, leading you to have hurt feelings and be a little snarky when he finally responds back.
  • You can also choose to let it go and be happy now, knowing that he was doing something else, and that he’ll get back to you when he’s ready. When you do this, you will be lighter and happier and more fun to talk with when he does respond back. 🙂

It’s important to remember that most often it’s not personal when he doesn’t respond right back.

So, those are all viable choices, and if you remember that he’s always single focused, then you can rest at peace knowing that he’s not ignoring you, AND he’s doing whatever he’s doing; because that would be doing TWO things!


It’s always a good thing to make sure the person you are interested in is interested in what you want.

For instance, if someone wants to casually date, and you want a relationship, it’s important to know that sooner than later.

I find that often men and women enter into relationships unconsciously. Everyone has things that they need in their relationship experience. Unfortunately, these things tend to be unexpressed, but expected.

Sadly, men and women generally misrepresent themselves in an attempt to get what they need based on those unexpressed expectations.

For instance:

Women tend to say they’re ok with casual sex, when they aren’t.

Men tend to say they want a relationship, when they don’t.

Of course, it can be reversed, but the thing is that you won’t know unless you ask what the other person needs, and unless you let the person you’re dating know what you need, he or she won’t enter into the experience knowing the full equation. This leads to upset and frustration.

If you’re on the same page, GREAT!

If you want a booty call, and he wants marriage and children, then it’s not a match.

If you value polygamy, and he’s the monogamous type, then it’s not a match.

This list is endless, however, it’s critical in dating to KNOW WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR AND LET YOUR POTENTIAL PARTNER KNOW WHAT YOU DESIRE!

Let me know if this helps and have a beautiful day.

Much love,


PS Please share and comment below.

Got a great question for me???? Submit it here:

Survive the Holidays and THRIVE!

Relationships can really be put to the test during this time of the year when you fall prey to the stress of the season.

Survive the holidays and THRIVE

Here are a few things you can do to make it through successfully:

FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE – In every situation there is something you can focus on that you like or enjoy – make a point of looking for those things, and you will reap the benefits.

GIVE UP HOSTESS HEAD – Don’t give into instinct and go crazy trying to throw the perfect dinner party, or buy the perfect gift. Focus on the present moment and connecting with the people you love.

AVOID CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE SYNDROME – Remember that each person you encounter is having their own holiday stress. You can choose to make the experience sweet or sour in every interaction.

Wishing you the happiest of holidays!

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to creating lifelong partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

It’s not your Job to Fix your Partner’s Emotions

Everyone has good moods and bad moods. When it’s someone you aren’t intimate with, you can often easily let the person’s bad mood roll off your back and simply offer a word or two of support.

Handling your partner's emotions

However, in a romantic relationship because you’re more interconnected it can be harder to maintain that kind of detachment. After all, you share a home and your life. You’re managing jobs and possibly raising children too.

Our moods have to do with where we put our attention and focus. George Markowsky says that our “senses gather some 11 million bits per second from the environment… In other words, the human body sends 11 million bits per second to the brain for processing, yet the conscious mind seems to be able to process only 50 bits per second.”

That’s over 950 billion bits of information coming at you every day. Some of that information can uplift you, and some can send you into a downward spiral. Think about it, with those numbers, it’s unlikely that everything is all bad.

What we are paying attention to affects our moods. We’re actually designed instinctively to notice problems. That’s what’s kept our species alive, and it’s our default mode. With so much information coming into our senses, we can unconsciously let our attention focus only on unwanted experiences.

On the other hand, you can consciously choose to notice the information that uplifts you. It can take some practice, but the results will likely be more desirable than the alternative.

Now let’s apply this to your relationship. One of the reasons you’re with your partner is that you were able to build enough rapport with them to feel comfortable and fall in love.

That’s what we do as humans. We resonate with each other. There are electromagnetic frequencies radiating out from your heart to your partner’s, and vice versa. That’s how love grows.

Building rapport is about unconsciously, or consciously, matching the mood of the people you are close to. For better or worse. It’s great news if you or your partner is in an uplifted mood.

Dr. John Gottman says that couples that last are ones who let each other influence each other. Your partner leads, you follow. Or you lead, and your partner follows. You match: you connect: your relationship blossoms. It’s a sweet deal.

On the other hand, because you’re interconnected with your partner, their unpleasant mood can affect you too.

What do you do if your partner is in a bad mood often? What if you or your partner is in a downward spiral? Like Linus from Peanuts, with a dark cloud over their head?

If you match them, you’ll likely go down too.

What do you do if you don’t want to go down with them? You may try to help them feel better but, as you may have noticed, it can lead to frustration for both of you. What if your partner’s angry? You try to intervene, and you end up getting angry too. Or you try to avoid them, and it creates a wall of hurt between you two.

To learn what you can do to avoid getting caught up in your Partner’s experience, Download my 6 Steps for Dealing with Moodiness In Your Relationship (Special Report) Now.

6 Steps for Dealing with Moodiness Report 02-2015

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to turning things around.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

How Relationship Stress Affects Your Health – the Biochemistry of Emotions

Our emotions play an enormous role in our health, vitality and well-being or lack there of.

How Relationship Stress Affects Your Health

Dr. Candace Pert states in her book Molecules of Emotion that “virtually all illness, if not psychosomatic in foundation, has a definite psychosomatic component.” When we are experiencing frustrations with our partner, our relationship, and our lives, it adds up to chronic stress.

Chronic stress is mental or physical tension, strain or pressure that remains unresolved for extended periods of time. This stress can be initiated by events such as fighting with your partner, hurts that build up over time, dissatisfaction with your relationship, unresolved family problems, tension raising children, miscommunications and pent-up frustrations.

It can also be caused by dissatisfaction with your life in general through not having a sense of purpose in the world, as well as, not feeling connected to your partner, your family, or your community.

The key ingredient that makes any of these situations stressful is the way a person perceives the experiences, not the experiences themselves. Whether you’re single or already in a relationship, this matters because it impacts your ability to create the relationship you truly desire.

Many people don’t think that chronic stress affects the body, and as a result, they may be suffering from autoimmune disorders, chronic back pain, coronary artery disease, fibromyalgia, heart palpitations, hypertension, irritable bowel syndrome, lupus, migraine headaches, mitral valve prolapse, multiple sclerosis, panic attacks, rheumatoid arthritis, tension, TMJ, and other conditions, says Dr. Don Colbert author of Deadly Emotions.

Much of Western culture operates under the assumption that the mind is separate from the body. We have been taught that our bodies are simply objects to be carried around, to exercise and feed. The majority of people do not realize the link between their thoughts, emotions, and daily stresses and their physical ailments.

One person whom I did not work with, said he was experiencing Irritable Bowel Syndrome and anxiety. It turns out that he was in a very stressful job as an executive at a worldwide corporation. When I asked him if he saw that his current situation was impacting his body, he answered with complete conviction, that his job could not be affecting his bowel and that what he had was genetic.


The truth is that our environment plays an enormous role in whether or not certain genes manifest into disease. It is the mind-body consciousness split that causes people to deny that the environment has anything to do with how healthy or unhealthy they are.

One women I worked with had been experiencing ear infections and vertigo for several years without any underlying cause that her doctors could find. Through our work together, she was able to discover that the symptoms were caused by a part of her that was tired of traveling.

This part of her psyche sounded very tired and wanted to stay in one place to raise their two-year-old son. She and her husband had been traveling for the past seven years, moving every two months to a new country to photograph Olympic teams.

Our bodies are incredibly intelligent and it is surprising how often the symptoms someone experiences make logical sense once it’s been discovered. Unconsciously, she didn’t want to travel anymore and her symptoms were ear problems (you’re not supposed to get on an airplane with an ear problem).

She’d been afraid to speak with her husband because she didn’t want to rock the boat. As we worked together, she realized that it was sabotaging her health to keep her symptom needs hidden from her husband. So, with this understanding, she spoke with her husband about her concerns for the first time.

Men have told me that they want you to be clear about what you need because they want to take care of you. They can’t take care of you if they don’t know what you need.

They decided to buy a house in a place where he would be able to use his photographic skill, and her symptoms disappeared. When the message from her unconscious mind was finally heard, and she realized that not resolving this problem in her relationship was risking her health, she was able to take action and resolve the physical symptoms.

Our environment includes external and internal factors. Chronic stress is both external and internal because what is going on outside of us is internalized through our perception. How we perceive what is going on for us causes our body to create chemicals in our bodies that affect every cell of our body.

Environmental Stress

Every cell in our body has a wall around it that has receptors that pick up these chemicals. Dr. Bruce Lipton, author of The Biology of Belief, calls it the “mem-brain.” This mem-brain reads the chemicals produce by our emotions that pass by.

If you are feeling good about your relationship, you have feel-good chemicals in your body that cause your body to function properly, to heal, and to be in health and wellness.

If you are feeling upset, frustrated, and angry, often the molecules of emotion that will be filling your body will be stress related, causing you to go into fight or flight mode, and ultimately lead to disease.

The mem-brain has receptors for each kind of chemical that our bodies create. Whether you’re feeling happy or angry often, your cell’s receptors will become addicted to that particular kind of chemical.

This is why if you’re in fight or flight mode most of the time, the receptors for the feel good emotions will become dormant, and it takes a little time and diligent practice to change your emotional state.

The reverse is also true. The better you feel, the more your body will crave the feel good chemicals and put your body on the course for health and wellness.

This is why I propose 3 Must Haves for Relationship Success:

1. You must understand your partner; 2. You must learn to navigate your differences, and 3. You must learn to manage your emotional state.

Doing these things will create an upward spiral in your relationship experience and support your health.

If you’re suffering from relationship challenges with the opposite sex and you are sick and tired, isn’t it time you got some help?

Click here to schedule a Relationship Breakthrough Session and turn your experience around.
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

“The Science of Happiness – An Experiment in Gratitude”

I saw an amazing video a few weeks ago that I want to share with you, titled “The Science of Happiness – An Experiment in Gratitude,” produced and posted on YouTube by SoulPancake.

When SoulPancake read a research paper proving that “one of the greatest contributing factors in the overall happiness in your life is how much gratitude you show,” they produced the video to document their own happiness experiment with impressive results:

Not only do gratitude and happiness have a positive correlation, but they were able to show that the LESS HAPPY YOU ARE, THE BIGGER HAPPY-JOLT YOU GET! when you start expressing gratitude to and for the people in your life that you love and appreciate.

So, watch the video! Feel your heart open up and start soaring! Laugh and cry with the real people participating in SoulPancake’s yummy experiment!

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist