Category: Know Your Differences (Men vs. Women)

The truth is that what you think you’re partner is thinking about something is probably wrong because men and women are VERY different. Learning these differences will help you navigate them successfully so that simple misinterpretation doesn’t doom your relationship.

Bulletproof Woman Principle #1 Know Who You Are and What You Want

In relationship coaching, I see many women who have shields protecting their hearts. We call her the Bulletproof Woman. She is strong, successful and social. She has a good job or owns her own business. She is passionate, confident and has goals. She learned that she could have it all, but she is strangely unfulfilled, exhausted, and at times feels lonely. She has learned how to survive in a man’s world by putting on a bulletproof shield that has also kept her alone and isolated in her romantic personal life. She craves intimacy and doesn’t know how to get it. She doesn’t have the greatest boundaries: she either loses herself in relationships or shields herself in a way that keeps her from connecting with potential partners. She has often confused chemistry for love and has dived into one relationship after another only to find that she was not happy because she ignored red flags and deal breakers. If she is married, she might not have the depth of intimacy she craves.

Invest the time to discover who you are and what would make you happy. Seems obvious, right? A woman by nature is flexible and adaptable to those she cares about and to those around her. She tends to meet someone and lose herself in the relationship. She goes into adaptable “pleasing” mode. Being true to yourself is much easier when you are single, so before you are in a partnership, it is important to articulate with clarity who you are and what your life’s purpose is. This will help you set a strong foundation for meeting and keeping the perfect partner for you.

Healing Little Hurts So Love Can Thrive

I wanted to take a minute to talk about the little hurts in your relationship today because little hurts building up over time can destroy your most vital and loving intentions.

For example:

  • Maybe your partner says something that hurts your feelings and you shrug it off and “let it go” for the sake of diplomacy. You don’t want a confrontation, so you bury this little hurt today.
  • Maybe you go along with something that makes you feel uncomfortable for the sake of making your partner happy, but your contribution seems to be taken for granted – goes unappreciated – but you bury this little hurt today.
  • Maybe you’re tired of being nagged about something that’s not a priority right now and wonder what’s the point of even trying, but you bury this little hurt today.
  • Maybe you have mustered up the courage to tell your partner how you really feel about something that’s important to you, only to have it shot down, criticized, or ignored, but you bury this little hurt today.

Every single day, men and women choose to bury some little hurt because they love their partners and want to make their relationship work…

For the kids.

For security.

Because they cannot bear the thought of breakup.

Meanwhile, these little hurts are feeding self-preservational instincts below the surface, and building up to a downward spiral that can to destroy the love you have…

Just say NO to the Downward Spiral
Couple spiraling into preventable conflict

 

It does NOT have to be this way!

I have always said that you can be the most loving, compassionate, and spiritual person in the world and still get tripped up in your relationship because our instinctual nature, hidden in the unconscious mind, gets in the way of our conscious intentions whether we are aware of them or not.

When we know how instinct works, we can navigate it: we can trip, stumble a little, and recover quickly. But when instinct operates under the radar, the results can be emotionally catastrophic and lead to misery, distrust, betrayal, divorce…

The whole point of my coaching practice – and everything I do – is to provide you with reliable tools to recover quickly from little hurts, and create the relationship you truly desire – a conscious relationship that FEEDS YOUR LOVE instead of one that unconsciously challenges it at every turn.

Learn how to co-create a GREAT Relationship
Couple spending more time loving (due to less time recovering from little hurts!).

The bottom line is that LITTLE hurts happen when we don’t know where our partner is coming from – when we subconsciously expect our partners to think, feel and behave like we would, but in practice, men and women are different.

Men and women speak differently, listen differently, and have vastly different needs and expectations relating to commitment, safety, sex – you name it – and until we become CURIOUS about why our partner did or said something THAT WAY instead of the way we expected, we’re going to get it wrong.

If you don’t want to get it wrong,

If you want to:

  • immunize your current relationship against the erosion of little hurts…
  • or find your life partner with the benefit of foresight…
  • or even SAVE THE ROCKY BOAT YOU’RE ON…

I would love to see you in person August 11-12th, 2018  in Berkeley.

Workshop DetailsDuring my 2-Day Voraciously Curious for Couples and Singles Workshop, I laser focus on some of our differences so that men and women can heal past hurts and begin co-creating GREAT RELATIONSHIPS together.

http://voraciouslycurious.com

It’s going to be a great weekend filled with insights you won’t want to miss!

So click here to learn more and enroll before space runs out.

I hope to see you soon.

Lovingly,

Kimi

PS.  SPECIAL NOTE: VORACIOUSLY CURIOUS HAPPENS REGULARLY SO CLICK THE IMAGE BELOW TO CHECK FOR THE LATEST DATES IN CASE WE FORGOT TO UPDATE THIS POST!

Voraciously Curious Workshop Homepage

Texting and Needs

Welcome to Ask Kimi, where I answer your questions. Here’s a question from “Confused”…

 

 

 

 

 

********************

“Hi Kimi,

I made the mistake (or impulsive decision) to text him last night and didn’t hear back. So now I am sitting with my feelings and wondering what to do next. I think that if and when he gets in contact again it will be time to ask him what he wants with me? I’m sure you have a better suggestion of how to approach the conversation.

I’m gonna listen to more sections of Relationship Navigation System today.

Thanks for everything!

Confused”

********************

Hi Confused,

I’ll answer your questions in two parts.

1) TEXTING:

Ahhh. It happens. I feel you.

Men are single focused. They are always single focused, and we are always interrupting a man. Remember that single focus is not a bad thing, it’s just they’re wired differently than we are.

That’s the good news and the bad.

If you know you’re texting a single focused human being, you have some choices:

  • You can get upset, decide he isn’t into you, and block his humber.
  • You can choose to go on with your day, instead of taking it personally, if he doesn’t respond right back to you right away, and find something that makes your heart sing.
  • You can choose to do something that makes you happy instead of letting your upset fester in your heart, leading you to have hurt feelings and be a little snarky when he finally responds back.
  • You can also choose to let it go and be happy now, knowing that he was doing something else, and that he’ll get back to you when he’s ready. When you do this, you will be lighter and happier and more fun to talk with when he does respond back. 🙂

It’s important to remember that most often it’s not personal when he doesn’t respond right back.

So, those are all viable choices, and if you remember that he’s always single focused, then you can rest at peace knowing that he’s not ignoring you, AND he’s doing whatever he’s doing; because that would be doing TWO things!

2) GETTING ON THE SAME PAGE

It’s always a good thing to make sure the person you are interested in is interested in what you want.

For instance, if someone wants to casually date, and you want a relationship, it’s important to know that sooner than later.

I find that often men and women enter into relationships unconsciously. Everyone has things that they need in their relationship experience. Unfortunately, these things tend to be unexpressed, but expected.

Sadly, men and women generally misrepresent themselves in an attempt to get what they need based on those unexpressed expectations.

For instance:

Women tend to say they’re ok with casual sex, when they aren’t.

Men tend to say they want a relationship, when they don’t.

Of course, it can be reversed, but the thing is that you won’t know unless you ask what the other person needs, and unless you let the person you’re dating know what you need, he or she won’t enter into the experience knowing the full equation. This leads to upset and frustration.

If you’re on the same page, GREAT!

If you want a booty call, and he wants marriage and children, then it’s not a match.

If you value polygamy, and he’s the monogamous type, then it’s not a match.

This list is endless, however, it’s critical in dating to KNOW WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR AND LET YOUR POTENTIAL PARTNER KNOW WHAT YOU DESIRE!

Let me know if this helps and have a beautiful day.

Much love,

Kimi

PS Please share and comment below.

Got a great question for me???? Submit it here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/my-ask-kimi-question

Women Need to FEEL ADORED! (tips for Men for Valentine’s Day +)

How to win with women
The dreaded day is here again. You’ve tried to make her happy all year, and you know that if you don’t get it right, she’ll be upset.

It’s infuriating, that you spend 364 days doing great things, and friggin’ Valentines Day, a made up holiday, is what you will be judged by!

The first problem is that there’s nothing in a woman’s nature to get her to be clear about what she needs until she’s upset without it.

The second problem is that she thinks you’re supposed to “know” what she wants because she’s hinted about it. She thinks you’re a mind-reader.

(This goes with Valentine’s Day and every other day of the year!)

So here’s what to do:

  1. If she hasn’t been clear about what would make her the happiest for Valentines’ Day, ask her. “Honey, what would make you the happiest for Valentine’s day?”
  2. If she answers, “surprise me.” Don’t fall for it! Say, “As much as I’d like to read your mind, I still haven’t figured out how, so would you think of 3 places you’d like to go, and/or 3 gifts you would enjoy and where to buy them, (photos help) and let me choose.”
  3. You can tell her your budget, be realistic, but not stingy. Remember this is supposed to feel good to both of you. If it breaks the bank and you feel resentful, that won’t work.
  4. Go with what she tells you she wants. It’s okay to embellish it. The more thought you put into it, the more she’ll appreciate it.
  5. It will go a long way, if you make a point to compliment her before you go out. Women need validation from their partner when they take the time to dress up for them. Of course, this is good every time you go out. 🙂 The result will be a happier woman and more fun because she’ll be more relaxed with you.
I know it’s a hurdle, but when done right, you’ll both feel GREAT and enjoy the time together.
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

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Men Need Ways to WIN! (tips for Women for Valentine’s Day +)

Setting Him Up to WINFebruary is supposedly the month of love, but unfortunately, for many couples it’s often a month of pressure and disappointment.

It’s the month of unclear expectations and trying to out do your last attempt at Valentines’ Day.

We are inundated by the media about what we’re supposed to do to celebrate: buy this diamond; go to this restaurant; surprise your partner with this or that gift.

The truth is that what you hear from someone other than your partner may or may not be what your love truly desires and you end up with disappointment.

Or maybe you get your hopes up but never let your partner know what you want Valentine’s Day to look like for you, and you end up getting an eyelash curler like I did one year.

He was confused because I was so disappointed. It was in this beautiful bag from a store filled with beautiful, sparkly makeup, and out of all that he’d chosen an eyelash curler!

Evidence that he didn’t know me or love me, I thought! And we broke up shortly thereafter.

Looking back, I know why he was confused. I had imagined what would make me happy, but I hadn’t let him know what I wanted, and when men are made to guess at what you want, they will opt for something they think you need. Can you see how this is a set up for failure?

If this sounds familiar. I want to give you some important tips to help your guy to win with you and make this month special instead of frustrating.

Make Sure Your Man Can Win With You!

  1. If you want a romantic dinner, think of a few places in different price ranges you’d like that would suit your fancy and be open to going on a different night if it’s totally booked on Valentines’ Day. Especially if either one of you is going to be tired from a long week. Find a time that you can have a romantic time without being exhausted.
  2. If you like gifts, think of 3 things that you’d be really happy receiving for Valentines’ Day in different price ranges. Let your partner know what they are. If you can take a photo, do it. This will take the guessing out of it and help him to win with you.
  3. Take care of yourself, like taking a bath, getting a massage, listening to your favorite music, and putting on something that makes you feel amazing, so that you’re in good shape to be happy and have a good time whatever he chooses from your options.
  4. Appreciate him for doing (or attempting to do) what you desire! Show him you’re happy! If he never sees himself winning with you, he’ll give up. This is CRITICAL!

Your man isn’t a mind reader. If you want something special, you’ve got to let him know. He spends all year trying to make you happy, and this one day is seen as the “end-all, be-all” to relationship success by women. It’s not. It’s just a day.

Giving your guy WAYS TO WIN will endear him to you.
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you like this article, Sign up to receive Building Treasured Relationships E-Zine by Email to learn more great tips for building a solid and satisfying Love Life with your partner.

 

 

How Instinct Breeds Conflict

Did you know that most of our life is run on our default instinctual responses to the world? We like to think that we’ve evolved beyond our instincts, that were not like other animals, but that’s just not true.

Masculine Single Focus

When we respond to our world without thinking about what we’re doing, it’s either an ingrained response, or instinct running the show. What this means for your relationship is that quite often, in fact most of the time, we are operating from our instinctual mode.

And the instinctual mode of males and females of any species are different. Did you ever watch Wild Kingdom? Our instinct is hard-wired into us. And whether we want to believe it or not, our hard-wiring plays a role.

When my husband is watching football, which he loves, or doing any project for that matter, he’s in single-focused mode. A man in single-focus mode will not always respond with kindness if you interrupt him. And that’s putting it mildly. So what do you do if you want to connect with your partner? You have a quick question, or something really important to you? You either interrupt, and end up in a fight, or you ignore him because you feel like he doesn’t respect or care about you, and your feelings are hurt.

And then when the game’s over, or he is finished with whatever he was doing, he comes over to talk to you and you’re crabby. You give him the cold shoulder, because of “the fact” that he’s ignored you. You wonder why he could think that he could just come over as if nothing had happened. You might even tell him your feelings are hurt, but then he sulks and backs away. The beginning of another disconnected evening.

Did you know that about 80 to 90% of relationship problems can be solved by understanding the instinctual differences between men and women? Men and women are so different that we be better off if we actually spoke different languages, because then we wouldn’t think we were communicating. The way we operate in the world is different.

This applies to how we raise our children, what makes us feel safe, how often we have sex, and how we spend our money. Really, there are more ways that we’re out of sync, than in sync.

For me, knowing this, helps me from getting upset when Art’s in single-focus mode. It allows me to choose my response, because I know that he is not ignoring me. So while I may have a momentary upset, I can regroup, and choose what I want to focus on, which is his single-focused attention on me, when he’s done with the game.

That’s why understanding instinctual differences helps you navigate them, so that you can consciously rise above and co-create the relationship that you truly want.

This week, ask yourself when you’re upset with your partner’s behavior, “could this be instinct?” Instead of getting upset, choose to be curious. Allow your partner the space to be single-focused and watch what happens next!

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist
If you want to learn more about the instinctual differences between men and women and how to avoid letting them run your relationship amok, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo who are committed to creating Conscious Partnership.
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When it’s not a Commitment Issue

Commitment might not be the problemIf you’ve ever ended a relationship thinking men are flakes – or that you just can’t please her no matter what you try – I’ve got some great news for you:

It’s not what you think! Believe it or not, men truly yearn to commit, and women love to be happy!

We think words like Commitment mean the same to everyone. Not only is that not true, not understanding how commitment works for the masculine and feminine modes, creates huge problems in relationships.

Remember that Men and Women both have masculine and feminine modes within them. Each person will bring their dominant modes into their relationship and each mode has a different relationship to commitment.

For the masculine mode, it’s about being all in, and once the switch in his heart has been turned, he’s in for life.

For the feminine mode, it’s about committing based on context. If the context changes, the commitment changes.

Can you see how this might be a problem?

Here’s a startling statistic: TWO THIRDS of divorces are initiated by women. Crazy, right! Men are usually seen as the non-committal ones… This might shock you, but generally that’s not true.

Here’s a scenario.

Man and woman meet. They are crazy hot for each other. It’s “love at first sight.” They are sure they’ve met “the one” so they dive into a relationship. They have an attraction of a level 10. (I’ll be talking about that next week).

The problem is that because it feels so good and they have so much passion, they tend to make the assumption that they are on the same page about their relationship goals.

They’ve missed the step in dating about getting really clear about what each other’s requirements are in order to be happy when tying themselves to the other person.

Unfortunately, it’s typical for women to not express themselves clearly about what they need, especially when the attraction level is high. They make assumptions that their partner will figure out what they need based on hints and suggestions.

And if a woman’s too direct, she feels awkward, so it’s often the awkwardness that turns a man off.

So you have lack of clarity and misunderstandings and, quite often, there were things she needed in the beginning of the relationship that she didn’t express in a way that her man could get it right from the start.

She assumed that he got her hints, and expected her partner to change, and when he doesn’t, she finally leaves.

The sad thing is that men want to make us happy, and because we don’t give them quality information about what we need until we’re upset without it, they don’t see how they can win with us by committing.

What this means is that women need to be more clear about their needs. Sure some men will walk away, but the right one will stay, because when your man knows how he can make you happy (happiness is your job ladies), he’ll want to commit, and he’ll commit for life.

If you want to learn more about what you can do to get on the same page with your partner, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo who are committed to creating Conscious Partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

 

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Demystifying Men and Women’s Feelings

Everyone feels sensations in their bodies that they translate into emotions. Although the words “feeling” and “emotion” are often used interchangeably, they are not quite the same thing.

Emotions

Feelings are the physiological sensations in our bodies that we translate into emotional labels like anger, love, joy and a multitude of others. (The word “feeling” means a lot more than that, but for the purposes of this article we’re talking about feelings and emotions.)

What two people feel sensationally in their body won’t necessarily be described or even experienced in the same way. For instance, it is the same physiological sensation in the body that some people call fear, and others call excitement.

What you label your experience has a lot to do with how you perceive your experience, which has to do with your beliefs, values, history, and your “story.” It’s a matter of interpretation.

Men and women both have feelings and emotions, but it often doesn’t seem that way. That’s because men and women have very different ways of dealing with the emotions they experience.

Gals, have you ever asked your man how he was feeling and had him tell you he was “fine,” and you knew that wasn’t the case?

  • You sensed that something was going on, but you didn’t know what.
  • You saw him fuming and knew he was holding something back?
  • He didn’t want to talk about it?
  • The more you asked what was going on, the more aggravated he got?

Women are biologically wired to sense what is going on in their environment because it keeps them safe. There was a study done recently about women and eavesdropping. It was practically impossible for a woman not to hear what was going on around her. Knowing what’s going on with the people in her life and in her environment helps her to assess potential challenges and dangers.

For a woman, an upset or angry man is a potential danger, so she tries to assess the situation by asking questions. Women try to figure out what someone is going to do based on what they are feeling, because that’s the way it works for women.

Women tend to act on their feelings because they trust them implicitly.

Guys, women always want to know what you’re feeling about something because women feel something, and then they act on that feeling.

On the other hand…

Men don’t trust feelings because they generally don’t act on them. In fact, men who do are often ridiculed.

An extreme example of this is a man in a battle, he may be afraid, but he’s going to do what he thinks he should do, not what he feels.

To be seen as a coward is a fate worse than death. It would mean he would lose the respect that is vital to his manhood.

So when a woman is expressing her feelings, he may try to be empathetic, but most often, he’s really looking for the point as a way of helping her solve the problem.

  • Sometimes she’s just venting about a problem at work.
  • Sometimes she’s angry about something that her friend did.

Guys, there have been times when you’ve tried to help and gotten reprimanded. Right?

  • Sometimes she’s trying to get you to do something or change something.
  • Sometimes she’s hurt by something you did or didn’t do.
  • Sometimes she’s angry with you.

And if she’s upset with you, you’ll often see yourself as the cause of her pain. If it happens often enough, you’ll see yourself as failing at making her happy.

Gals, men will leave if they can’t make you happy. They see making you happy as their job.

I told my husband that it wasn’t his job to make me happy the other day, and he told me, “it works out better if I see making you happy as my job.”

It causes him to focus on doing things that I like and that make me happy, and he gets to be my hero, and then we’re both happy.

Now let’s look at how men experience feelings and what they do with them. They do feel, and they feel very deeply.

The way it generally works for men is that they feel something, and then think about what they are going to do with that feeling, and then they act on it.

Often what they do is totally contrary to what a woman would do given the same feelings.

The operative word is “think.” Men tend to think about what is logical to do in the face of the information at hand.

They think about whether or not it will help to talk something through.

If he doesn’t see an upside to talking something out, or sharing his feelings, he won’t.

Especially if he is afraid of something like not being able to provide for his family, he’ll keep it to himself.

In fact, for a man to share his feelings he has to feel incredibly safe with the person he’s speaking to. Men do not just act on a feeling the way a woman does.

Men don’t trust feelings.

  • If he thinks you’ll be upset with him for what he’s feeling, he won’t share it.
  • If he thinks you’ll think less of him, he won’t share it.
  • If he thinks he you will overreact and do something like leave him out of anger, he won’t share it.
  • If he thinks it might hurt his cause or foil his plan, he won’t share it.

Can you see how this dynamic might lead to immense challenges in your relationship?

For both men and women, it means the world to be accepted for who they are, but they go about it differently.

She reveals her feelings and he conceals his feelings.

The more she tries to pry it out of him, the more he clams up. The more upset a woman is, the more she tries to express herself.

When you have two people unable to share what they are experiencing, they begin to feel isolated in their relationship and their sense of connection deteriorates.

The way around this is to understand the the vast differences between men and women and learn to navigate those differences. The result is less time spent upset, frustrated and hurt and more time loving.

If you and your partner are having challenges connecting, it might be time for a Relationship Breakthrough Session. You’ll get focused one-on-one time with me and an opportunity to see what you can do to reconnect with your partner. There’s nothing to lose and everything to gain.
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist