Category: Ask Kimi

Where your pressing dating and relating questions are answered.

My Wife Complains ALL The Time

Ask Kimi: My wife complains all the time.
My wife complains all the time!

 

 

 

 

 

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“Dear Kimi,

My wife complains all the time about EVERYTHING I do. It’s like I can never do anything right. It was never like this when we were dating. I don’t know what happened.

When we got married I signed up for life.

I have no idea how to make her happy.

I don’t know what to do. Help!

Thanks,

Frustrated.”

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Dear Frustrated,

I hear you! Complaining to a woman means that she’s trying to get something she needs through to you.

I understand how frustrating it can be when she’s complaining, and doesn’t seem to be giving you any clue about what she actually wants you to do.

Sadly, you’re just not getting it because she’s giving you hints, or she’s explaining why she’s upset instead of telling what she needs.

There are a few problems going on:

  1.  Women tend to not know what they need until they are upset without it.
  2. They tend to give hints and then escalate to anger without an in between stage.
  3. Women change when someone complains to them, so they complain to you, thinking it will make you change.
  4. Bottom line: She’s trying to give you the message about what she needs, but she’s delivering it in a way that you can’t receive it, and all you hear is the storm of anger.

Here’s what you can do TO BE HER HERO!!! (Don’t be afraid – this really will work):

LET HER KNOW YOU CARE

  1. Say, “Woah! I see that you’re upset and I want to help.” 
  2. Let her know that you can tell that there is something she needs that’s important to her because she’s upset.
  3. Ask her to sit with you because you want to understand.
  4. Tell her that what she needs is truly important to you because you want her to be happy.

SETTING THE STAGE

  1. When you sit down with her, set you both up to win:
    1. Ask her to take a moment and think about what she needs and is upsetting her.
    2. Let her know that you’re not a mind reader and really do want to understand, and to please be patient with you.
    3. Ask her to help you get clarity by telling you what she needs instead of why she’s upset.
  2. When she starts talking, imagine you’re holding a bucket that she’s purging into and don’t interrupt. (This is important because by the time a woman’s upset, there’s usually a lot of build up of emotions and tension, that you don’t have to dive in and fix. Unless you let her express it, it will keep coming back to bite you.)
  3. When she’s finished purging, ask her to do her best to bullet point her request so that you can understand it. 

PROBLEM SOLVING

  1. Tell her you’re going to repeat her request back to her, and to make sure you understand it.
    1. If you do, great!
    2. If you don’t have her clarify.
  2. Repeat until clarity and agreement on the need is achieved.
  3. IT IS NOW TIME FOR PROBLEM SOLVING:
    1. If you can provide what she needs, do it.
    2. If you can’t provide that particular need, it behooves you and your partnership, to help her to figure out how she can get that need met. (A need is not to be confused with a REQUIREMENT that MUST be there or you or she will NEVER be happy in your partnership. Children/no children, or monogamy/polyamory, or lifestyle, or location. These are Deal Breakers.)

AREAS THAT MIGHT NEED THIS TYPE OF CONVERSATION: Cleaning the house; a certain sports activity; date nights; driving kids around; time with extended family; going on vacation; emotional support

I’ve got your back! You can do it!

With Love,

Kimi

NOTE: THIS CONVERSATION CAN GO BOTH WAYS! I address this topic in the Platinum Rule of the Relationship Navigation System. 

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Being Authentic When Dating

 

 

 

 

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“Hi Kimi,

I am having some issues come up that I could love your input on. I’ll try to be to the point…

I’m seeing a new guy, Dean, who is much more “relationship material,” however our chemistry is only between 5-7. which is good because intellectually and otherwise I am intrigued and want to give it a chance.

However, I find myself thinking about sex with some of the guys I was sleeping with recently. I’ve reached out to some of them, and have another potential lover who is strictly sexual no questions asked. I know I’ve said that I’m monogamous etc., but now I’m wondering if that is actually true.

What I would LOVE is to keep sleeping with some of these guys and keep getting to know Dean but not sleep with him until I’m sure I want to have a relationship with him. Does that sound crazy? Also, I know he’s gonna want to know about my life so how would I go about telling him I have lovers without discouraging him into thinking that I’m not serious about having a serious relationship (one day)?

Your thoughts?

Thanks!
Am I Crazy”

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Dear Am I Crazy,

Great questions!

First off, congratulations on exploring your true desires. Sometimes it takes situations like this to help the needed exploration to come to the surface. Like the question of monogamy or polyamory.

There are many reasons for confusion regarding monogamy and polyamory. Here are two:

Sometimes we’re programmed by our culture to believe we “should” be monogamous. That doesn’t make it right or wrong.

Sometimes people opt for polyamory because it keeps them from getting too close to one person and, in their minds, keeps them safe.

What’s important here is to explore what’s true for you and then learn how and when to let a prospective partner know.

Secondly, let’s talk about Velcro Girl. Velcro Girl is the tendency to immediately feel the need to disclose that you’re dating or being intimate with other people, or feel the need to shut off other relationships when you first meet someone you’re interested in. In your case men who you have sex with.

This tendency gets women into trouble because it’s like she’s betting all of her money on one horse at the race track. Until you get to know someone, focusing all of your attention on that person can lead to heartbreak.

Thirdly, Remember The REAL Truth About Successful Communication Between Men and Women? Men are natural Concealers, and women natural Revealers. Women tend to be more transparent, believing that “to know me, is to love me.” Men tend to naturally keep their cards to their chest.

A woman often feels that she “should” disclose everything right away, because it will make him fall in love. A man tends to be surprised when a woman discloses so much right away, because he wouldn’t.

Fourthly, you get to be the chooser. The sooner you express what you desire in a long term relationship, the more likely you are to get it.

The Bottom Line is that telling your date what you desire in the future is not the same thing as disclosing who you’re dating and being intimate with.

Letting your date know what you desire let’s him choose if he fits into that scenario.

Letting your date know that you’re being intimate with another man or other men, is putting the cart before the horse.

Exclusivity doesn’t and shouldn’t happen immediately.

Since you’ve just met Dean, there is no reason to disclose that you have other lovers, and there’s every reason to share what you desire in the future.

With love,
Kimi

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Texting and Needs

Welcome to Ask Kimi, where I answer your questions. Here’s a question from “Confused”…

 

 

 

 

 

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“Hi Kimi,

I made the mistake (or impulsive decision) to text him last night and didn’t hear back. So now I am sitting with my feelings and wondering what to do next. I think that if and when he gets in contact again it will be time to ask him what he wants with me? I’m sure you have a better suggestion of how to approach the conversation.

I’m gonna listen to more sections of Relationship Navigation System today.

Thanks for everything!

Confused”

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Hi Confused,

I’ll answer your questions in two parts.

1) TEXTING:

Ahhh. It happens. I feel you.

Men are single focused. They are always single focused, and we are always interrupting a man. Remember that single focus is not a bad thing, it’s just they’re wired differently than we are.

That’s the good news and the bad.

If you know you’re texting a single focused human being, you have some choices:

  • You can get upset, decide he isn’t into you, and block his humber.
  • You can choose to go on with your day, instead of taking it personally, if he doesn’t respond right back to you right away, and find something that makes your heart sing.
  • You can choose to do something that makes you happy instead of letting your upset fester in your heart, leading you to have hurt feelings and be a little snarky when he finally responds back.
  • You can also choose to let it go and be happy now, knowing that he was doing something else, and that he’ll get back to you when he’s ready. When you do this, you will be lighter and happier and more fun to talk with when he does respond back. 🙂

It’s important to remember that most often it’s not personal when he doesn’t respond right back.

So, those are all viable choices, and if you remember that he’s always single focused, then you can rest at peace knowing that he’s not ignoring you, AND he’s doing whatever he’s doing; because that would be doing TWO things!

2) GETTING ON THE SAME PAGE

It’s always a good thing to make sure the person you are interested in is interested in what you want.

For instance, if someone wants to casually date, and you want a relationship, it’s important to know that sooner than later.

I find that often men and women enter into relationships unconsciously. Everyone has things that they need in their relationship experience. Unfortunately, these things tend to be unexpressed, but expected.

Sadly, men and women generally misrepresent themselves in an attempt to get what they need based on those unexpressed expectations.

For instance:

Women tend to say they’re ok with casual sex, when they aren’t.

Men tend to say they want a relationship, when they don’t.

Of course, it can be reversed, but the thing is that you won’t know unless you ask what the other person needs, and unless you let the person you’re dating know what you need, he or she won’t enter into the experience knowing the full equation. This leads to upset and frustration.

If you’re on the same page, GREAT!

If you want a booty call, and he wants marriage and children, then it’s not a match.

If you value polygamy, and he’s the monogamous type, then it’s not a match.

This list is endless, however, it’s critical in dating to KNOW WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR AND LET YOUR POTENTIAL PARTNER KNOW WHAT YOU DESIRE!

Let me know if this helps and have a beautiful day.

Much love,

Kimi

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