Category: Safety, Commitment and Getting Your Needs Met

Safety is a fundamental human need. But too frequently we fail to understand what makes our partner feel Safe and/or Committed in our relationships because men and women experience these things so very differently.

When it’s not a Commitment Issue

Commitment might not be the problemIf you’ve ever ended a relationship thinking men are flakes – or that you just can’t please her no matter what you try – I’ve got some great news for you:

It’s not what you think! Believe it or not, men truly yearn to commit, and women love to be happy!

We think words like Commitment mean the same to everyone. Not only is that not true, not understanding how commitment works for the masculine and feminine modes, creates huge problems in relationships.

Remember that Men and Women both have masculine and feminine modes within them. Each person will bring their dominant modes into their relationship and each mode has a different relationship to commitment.

For the masculine mode, it’s about being all in, and once the switch in his heart has been turned, he’s in for life.

For the feminine mode, it’s about committing based on context. If the context changes, the commitment changes.

Can you see how this might be a problem?

Here’s a startling statistic: TWO THIRDS of divorces are initiated by women. Crazy, right! Men are usually seen as the non-committal ones… This might shock you, but generally that’s not true.

Here’s a scenario.

Man and woman meet. They are crazy hot for each other. It’s “love at first sight.” They are sure they’ve met “the one” so they dive into a relationship. They have an attraction of a level 10. (I’ll be talking about that next week).

The problem is that because it feels so good and they have so much passion, they tend to make the assumption that they are on the same page about their relationship goals.

They’ve missed the step in dating about getting really clear about what each other’s requirements are in order to be happy when tying themselves to the other person.

Unfortunately, it’s typical for women to not express themselves clearly about what they need, especially when the attraction level is high. They make assumptions that their partner will figure out what they need based on hints and suggestions.

And if a woman’s too direct, she feels awkward, so it’s often the awkwardness that turns a man off.

So you have lack of clarity and misunderstandings and, quite often, there were things she needed in the beginning of the relationship that she didn’t express in a way that her man could get it right from the start.

She assumed that he got her hints, and expected her partner to change, and when he doesn’t, she finally leaves.

The sad thing is that men want to make us happy, and because we don’t give them quality information about what we need until we’re upset without it, they don’t see how they can win with us by committing.

What this means is that women need to be more clear about their needs. Sure some men will walk away, but the right one will stay, because when your man knows how he can make you happy (happiness is your job ladies), he’ll want to commit, and he’ll commit for life.

If you want to learn more about what you can do to get on the same page with your partner, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo who are committed to creating Conscious Partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

 

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Caution: Safety Can Matter More than Love!

Have you ever given much thought to what makes your partner feel safe? Noticed how men feel physically safe? And women experience real and imagined threats to their physical safety almost every day?

Safety FirstWhen men and women get into partnership, misunderstandings about Safety can create tension and break up relationships because men and women often experience safety in opposition.

Men have a much stronger sense of confidence in themselves and their ability to keep themselves safe because they tend to be bigger and stronger than women. Because of this confidence, men almost always feel safe moving through the world.

Women, on the other hand, continually evaluate their environment for potential threats and avoid them. From jumping at the loud voice of a man when he’s angry, to choosing the safest parking space, women move through the world with caution.

FOR THE MASCULINE: Anything that threatens his ability to keep the people in his life safe makes him feel unsafe.

FOR THE FEMININE: Anything that prevents her from “seeing” her environment represents danger. In fact, she actually needs to know what’s going on inside a man’s head to feel safe because instinct won’t let her take safety for granted.

The best way to understand this crazy dynamic is to imagine the masculine as a warrior. “His” job is to protect the people he has committed himself to protect. In order to do this, he won’t reveal his weaknesses or his strengths to ANYONE if he can help it OR unless he feels he is completely safe with them.

If he told the enemy who his family was, they would no longer be safe. If he told the enemy what the plan was, his squadron wouldn’t be safe. If he expressed his vulnerabilities, he wouldn’t be safe.

That’s right. For a man to share what’s deepest inside him, HE MUST FEEL SAFE.

Can you see how these instinctual differences might lead to conflict? When men need to know that women are safe to be vulnerable with? And women need men to be vulnerable in order to feel safe?!

Irritation, frustration and anger are unsafe.

The tone of a woman’s voice, the furrowing of her brow, and the sheer intensity with which she “expresses” her lack-of-safety-driven-feelings-about-things causes him to feel unsafe.

When he feels unsafe, he won’t talk, and his silence feeds her fear for her own safety and thus the cycle amplifies itself into a downward spiral of misunderstanding.

Many relationships have ended because of this dynamic. But it doesn’t have to be this way!

Take some time to explore what makes you feel safe and share it with your partner (or the person you’re dating)!

Talk about what creates the experience of safety for you, and what feeling safe makes possible for you!

When you understand what you need, and share authentically with your partner, your connection will be strengthened.

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist
If you want to learn more about the instinctual differences between men and women and how to avoid letting them run your relationship amok, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo who are committed to creating Conscious Partnership.
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

Relationship Success Depends on Making Clean Deals (Video Interview)

On the most basic level, people make assumptions about how their partner operates in the world, and it’s quite often wrong – especially between men and women.

In my interview with Max Van Praag, Private Matters.tv – Episode 40 – “Relationship Success Depends on Making Clean Deals.”, we discuss what it takes for couples to make what I call “clean deals” with each other – deals that are at the foundation of thriving partnerships because they ensure that both parties are on the same page with one another from the beginning so that misunderstandings, hurt and resentments don’t develop and build into a crisis along the way.

What Makes a Man Feel Safe

Did you know that men rarely feel physically unsafe? It’s true. Unless they have a gun to their head, they most often feel pretty comfortable in the world.

Men and Safety

What makes a man feel unsafe has to do with his ability to provide and protect the people in their commitment circle.

Anything that threatens his ability to do what he needs to do to keep the people in his life safe makes him feel unsafe.

Men can only protect others effectively if they feel safe first. Period.

Imagine this, you have a sense that he’s not telling you something. The more you ask, the more he tries to get away from the “interrogation.” The more intense you get because your gut tells you he’s holding something back.

Each moment he doesn’t tell you what’s going on, the more convinced you are that he’s hiding something. Usually this story ends with an unhappy ending.

Does that story sound familiar? You’re not alone.

Here’s the thing, there is nothing in a man’s instinctual nature to get him to reveal anything, and any time he does, it’s because he sees an upside to revealing. He has to know there’s a benefit to revealing what’s in his soul.

The best way to understand this dynamic is to imagine a warrior going off to war. His job is to protect the people he has committed himself to protect. In order to do this, he won’t reveal his weaknesses or his strengths to ANYONE if he can help it OR unless he feels he is completely safe with them.

If he told the enemy who his family was, they would no longer be safe. If he told the enemy what the plan was, his squadron wouldn’t be safe. If he expressed his vulnerabilities, he wouldn’t be safe.

That’s right. For a man to share what’s deepest inside him, he must feel safe. You are the key to that.

Your man needs to know that you are safe to be vulnerable with. Your irritation, frustration and even anger are unsafe to him. The tone of our voice, the furrowing of our brow, and the intensity that you experience when you feel unsafe cause him to feel unsafe too.

The more you need transparency, the more he clams up. Many relationships have ended because of this dynamic. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

It is possible to learn how to be safe for a man to reveal his deepest emotions. It is possible to be his confidant. It is possible to become safe enough for him to open his soul to you, but you must learn how to be safe.

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to creating lifelong partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

What Makes Men and Women Feel Safe is as Different as Night and Day

We know that men and women react to situations differently, but do you know why?

Safety Means Different Things

One of the core reasons is that they each experience the world differently. Men have a much stronger connection to the physical than women do, and women have a much stronger connection to the relational and spiritual than men do (I’ll cover this in next week’s article).

Men tend to be bigger and stronger than women. Because of this, they have a much stronger sense of confidence in themselves and their ability to keep themselves safe. In fact, because of this confidence, they almost always feel safe moving through the world. The exceptions have to do with extreme cases, like having a gun pointed at their head, but in general, there is very little regarding their physical-ness that they experience with fear.

Women on the other hand, tend to be smaller and weaker than men, so their confidence in their physical abilities to protect themselves isn’t so high. They rely on the men in their lives to protect them, and if they don’t have a man, they do everything they can to protect themselves and their offspring.

When men and women get into partnership, things like safety can create tension and break relationships up when they aren’t addressed. Here’s an example:

One of my clients, I’ll call Sheila, recently became engaged to a man, I’ll call Brett. They adore each other. Sheila had been single for the most part of 30 years before she met Brett. She also has a daughter. Before she moved in with Brett, she’d lived with a female housemate. They kept the house buttoned up like a fortress, and any visitor was to call before coming over.

Sheila’s now moved in with Brett. They are busy merging their lives together. He has always kept an open-door policy, and she’s been trying to change that because of the unbearable anxiety she feels with the doors unlocked, and the habit of locking everything. They’ve had quite a few heated arguments about it.

When we spoke about the situation, she began by expressing her anger and frustration with Brett’s allowing people to come and go without calling first, as had been her policy when she’d lived alone. She felt like Brett didn’t care about how she felt. She was right; it hadn’t even occurred to him why she might feel afraid.

During her coaching session, she began to understand why Brett wasn’t concerned at all about the house and the safety. He’s a big man and had never in his life experienced a physical threat. Not only that, because he sees himself as her protector, he knew he was protecting her. Something she didn’t understand by his casualness in addressing her concerns. He’s say things like, “it’s fine, just let it go,” and “you’re making a big deal out of nothing.” Unfortunately, this was only making her feel more anxious and uncared for.

Women experience real and imagined threats to their physical safety almost every day. From a man’s loud voice when he’s angry that triggers her instinctual fears, to choosing the safest parking space when parking their car. Most women take it as par for the course to pay attention to these things, however it’s something that most men will never truly understand because of how they experience the world.

Together we came up with a plan for her talking with him about what she needed in order to feel safe. It was through understanding their differences that she was able to explain to him why she was afraid. He was able to conceptually understand where she was coming from, although he will never truly get her experience.

With this understanding, they were able to have a civil conversation and put a protocol in place that allows her to feel safe and him to still have his friends and family feel comfortable coming over.

If you and your partner are struggling to find harmony in your relationship, request a Relationship Breakthrough Session today. If someone you know is struggling with their relationship, please pass this on.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist