Tag Archives: Healing Past Hurts

Focus on What’s Working

I worked with a couple, Julie and Tom, who came to see me shortly after they got married. They’d called each other “soul mates.” However, once they tied the knot, Julie started pointing out problems, trying to get Tom to fit into the image she wanted her marriage to be like.

Save Your Relationship

In her attempt to nip the problems in the bud, she initiated conversations with Tom. She told him about the sadness and worry she was feeling.

She expressed her disappointment and frustration with the way things were going between them, and she tried to tell him what was important to her.

When she did this, he lashed out in anger at her and backed away. The “conversations” seemed to Tom like long, drawn out criticisms of how he was failing. He started saying, “I just can’t seem to make you happy.”

Guys will back out when they can’t make you happy.

They turn off. They see your happiness as vitally important and your unhappiness as a sign of their failure. It’s evidence to them that they can’t fix it. And over time, they shut down, spiraling into inertia.

Men don’t try, they only do. Can you see how that’s a set up for relationship failure?

The more Tom backed away, the more fear Julie had about their future, the more angry she became and the more she tried to get him to understand what needed to be “fixed.” It was a downward spiral.

The problem is that our brains are wired to look for danger and things we don’t like, and to call up past memories, so we don’t make the same mistakes again. It’s an attempt to avert disaster. It’s our survival instinct.

In order to make changes that will get you what you want, you must retrain your mind to see something other than what you’re wired to look for.

Julie and Tom had forgotten to high-light what was working in their relationship and express appreciation and gratitude for each other.

They were letting fear get in the way of their love for each other.

Love survives the inevitable ups and downs in relationships when we are conscious about where we put our attention and focus, and choose instead to express what we appreciate about our partner regularly to them.

Julie started coaching with me first, and what I worked on with her was to bring her focus back to the present moment and to turn her attention on what she liked, appreciated and valued – to remember why she had married Tom.

It was hard to do when we started working together because there was so much tension between them, but she was committed and persevered.

I had her call her energy back into this present moment by catching herself when she started worrying. She was re-training her mind to look for the things that she liked, appreciated, and were working, and then express them and only them to Tom.

Tom had to get himself into the present moment too. He’d been reacting with anger to Julie because of a memory of his previous long-term relationship that had ended badly. He’d seen himself as a failure. My work with Tom was to heal the memory of his past relationship, so that he wasn’t projecting worry onto his marriage with Julie.

By being in the present moment and focusing their attention and energy on what was working, they’ve been able to remember why they got married and co-create the future they truly want together.

Through our work together, they began expressing gratitude and appreciation for each other daily and enhanced the love they have for each other.

If you’re experiencing similar challenges in your relationship, maybe it’s time for a reboot? Click here to learn more and request a Relationship Breakthrough Session for you and your partner. I’m here to help!

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To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

How to Overcome Waning Chemistry

Waning Chemistry happens when you start with a high chemistry and dive in without making deals about what is important to you.

How to Overcome Waning ChemistryOver time, each person gets hurt and these hurts build up. It causes us to withhold affection, sex and attention.

Withholding affection, sex and attention will be the DEATH of your relationship.

To overcome Waning Chemistry, you need to start by expressing your past hurts and allowing them to be healed. It’s not easy, and it takes a firm willingness to heal. Get the support of a coach who is able to hold a non-judgmental place for you both and guide you in the healing process.

When past hurts are healed, it will bring you up to the present moment. This will create an openness between you to explore each of your requirements, needs and wants together.

You’ll notice intimacy growing again, and with it, the space to appreciate what each of you bring to the relationship. This appreciation will help your relationship thrive and with that, you’ll feel happier, more resilient, and more satisfied.

If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to turning things around.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Are you tired of being angry?

Whether you’re single and want a relationship or you’re already in one, what I’m about to tell you about the perilous cycle of emasculation and objectification is one of the most challenging and important components for relationship success.

Rooting out Anger

It’s critical to understand how it works because it plays out all around us every single day, in subtle and dramatic ways.

Objectification is turning a person into an object.

Put simply, men do it to women by seeing them as sexual objects, and women do it to men by seeing them as meal tickets.

Emasculation is generally a way of being with men that deprives them of their strength, vigor, spirit and role. Essentially emasculating a man is to make him ineffective.

Both are ways of dis-empowering another human being.

We see another person as if they are a misbehaving version of ourselves if they are doing something we’d never do, or not doing something we’d absolutely do.

We tend to react by backing away and withholding ourselves or lashing out in anger. This anger looks like men treating women as objects, and women emasculating men.

When either sex feels threatened, they lash out at the other.

In order to make sense of it at all, let’s start by looking at human animal and human spirit. Human animal is our instinct about survival and procreation. It’s our default mode of being. It causes us to protect ourselves when we feel threatened.

Human spirit is our consciousness, it is about choice and it’s what makes great relationships possible. When we can choose how we want to respond to any situation, then we can love fully and experience the partnership we truly want.

Unfortunately, you can be the most conscious person in the world and still get tripped up by instinct.

Instinct is strong, raw and pervasive. You might think that it doesn’t impact your relationship because you’re conscious, but I’m here to tell you that very few people, if any, are above the pull of instinct. The best we can hope for is to understand it and learn how to navigate it.

Men and women are wired differently and see the world in different ways. Learning about how your partner experiences the world and learning to navigate the territory of being a “We” eliminates between 80-90% of relationship problems.

Through understanding where your partner is coming from, you will be able to find peace within yourself.

When you find peace within yourself, you won’t be angry with your partner. When you’re not angry with your partner and are coming from a place of peace within yourself, you can be conscious and create the relationship you truly want.

It all starts with you changing your perspective and choosing to see your partner as a unique being who is different than you are and bringing your best self into the relationship.

If you’re suffering from relationship challenges with the opposite sex and need help, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to turning things around.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Do You Take The Easy Way Out?

Have you found yourself repeating the same pattern in relationships?

Break the cycle of disappoinment

You met someone wonderful. You thought you’d found your soul-mate. Wondered where they’d been all your life. A person who shared your values, dreams and aspirations… and then they turned into a dud?

Same old story, different person?

It’s easy to complain. It’s easy to blame. It’s easy to criticize. It’s easy to make your partner responsible for your experience. If only they would just do what I wanted. If only they cared enough to do the right thing. It’s easy to call it quits instead of putting attention into your relationship. But is that going to really get you what you want?

If you left, then what? A new relationship? A new start? But you’ve done that before, haven’t you? Walked away because nothing was working anymore. The excitement was gone. The passion had died. The fantasy was shattered, and you couldn’t figure out how to fix it. You even tried everything you knew how to do.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you keep doing the same thing, guess what? You’re going to keep getting the same results.

What doesn’t feel easy, but works better than criticism, blame and calling it quits… AGAIN, is taking personal responsibility for how you feel and how you approach your relationship.

People spend years going from being deeply in love and getting married to hating their former spouse and calling it quits. I’ve seen the fallout from families destroyed, and the frustration of looking for someone new.

I’ve also seen relationships turn around with the right information that I teach in the Relationship Navigation System.

I believe that the only way to change your experience is to learn how to manage yourself, your emotions, learn what makes your partner tick, and learn how to successfully navigate your experience with the opposite sex.

Everything you feel radiates outward and attracts more of the same to you. Period. If you’re feeling angry or upset, it’s as though those feelings attract more situations that make you angry and upset. When you’re feeling good, you attract more good things. Things either spiral downward into the toilet or upward into the heavens. You’ve experienced it at least once. Right?

The problem is that just saying positive affirmations doesn’t work in relationships. You need to learn how to focus your attention and create the magnetism for what you truly want.

You need to learn how you and your partner tick. You need to learn what motivates, inspires and causes your partner to do the things they do.

If you don’t, you will be frustrated. If you don’t, you’ll see them as a misbehaving version of yourself. You’ll be frustrated at every turn and the feel like calling it quits.

If you need support, and want to learn a better way, sign up for a Relationship Breakthrough Session and find out how I can help.

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist