Category: Communication

Being Authentic When Dating

 

 

 

 

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“Hi Kimi,

I am having some issues come up that I could love your input on. I’ll try to be to the point…

I’m seeing a new guy, Dean, who is much more “relationship material,” however our chemistry is only between 5-7. which is good because intellectually and otherwise I am intrigued and want to give it a chance.

However, I find myself thinking about sex with some of the guys I was sleeping with recently. I’ve reached out to some of them, and have another potential lover who is strictly sexual no questions asked. I know I’ve said that I’m monogamous etc., but now I’m wondering if that is actually true.

What I would LOVE is to keep sleeping with some of these guys and keep getting to know Dean but not sleep with him until I’m sure I want to have a relationship with him. Does that sound crazy? Also, I know he’s gonna want to know about my life so how would I go about telling him I have lovers without discouraging him into thinking that I’m not serious about having a serious relationship (one day)?

Your thoughts?

Thanks!
Am I Crazy”

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Dear Am I Crazy,

Great questions!

First off, congratulations on exploring your true desires. Sometimes it takes situations like this to help the needed exploration to come to the surface. Like the question of monogamy or polyamory.

There are many reasons for confusion regarding monogamy and polyamory. Here are two:

Sometimes we’re programmed by our culture to believe we “should” be monogamous. That doesn’t make it right or wrong.

Sometimes people opt for polyamory because it keeps them from getting too close to one person and, in their minds, keeps them safe.

What’s important here is to explore what’s true for you and then learn how and when to let a prospective partner know.

Secondly, let’s talk about Velcro Girl. Velcro Girl is the tendency to immediately feel the need to disclose that you’re dating or being intimate with other people, or feel the need to shut off other relationships when you first meet someone you’re interested in. In your case men who you have sex with.

This tendency gets women into trouble because it’s like she’s betting all of her money on one horse at the race track. Until you get to know someone, focusing all of your attention on that person can lead to heartbreak.

Thirdly, Remember The REAL Truth About Successful Communication Between Men and Women? Men are natural Concealers, and women natural Revealers. Women tend to be more transparent, believing that “to know me, is to love me.” Men tend to naturally keep their cards to their chest.

A woman often feels that she “should” disclose everything right away, because it will make him fall in love. A man tends to be surprised when a woman discloses so much right away, because he wouldn’t.

Fourthly, you get to be the chooser. The sooner you express what you desire in a long term relationship, the more likely you are to get it.

The Bottom Line is that telling your date what you desire in the future is not the same thing as disclosing who you’re dating and being intimate with.

Letting your date know what you desire let’s him choose if he fits into that scenario.

Letting your date know that you’re being intimate with another man or other men, is putting the cart before the horse.

Exclusivity doesn’t and shouldn’t happen immediately.

Since you’ve just met Dean, there is no reason to disclose that you have other lovers, and there’s every reason to share what you desire in the future.

With love,
Kimi

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