Monthly Archives: January 2015

Category: Fundamentals of Conscious Partnership, Weeding out the Killers: Criticism, Anger, Frustration and Resentment

Have you ever felt snubbed by your partner’s advice?

Did you know that one of the biggest ways to get yourself into relationship trouble is to expect that you and your partner are the same?

Differences between Men and Women

For the last 40 or so years, as women have forged the right to work equally among men in the world, we’ve been trying to see each other as the same.

Having equality is essential, but “equality” is not the same as “sameness,” and this confusion does damage to how we relate to each other, especially in the relationship realm.

The truth is that biologically, we’re not the same. Men and women are hardwired differently. We have different motives and behaviors based on the way masculine and feminine modes of being play out in our life roles and interactions with one another.

Generally speaking, the Masculine Mode is single focused, time bound, and about producing for and protecting the people in their commitment circle.

Feminine Mode, on the other hand, focuses on many things simultaneously, is eternal, and works to support, nurture and enhance the lives of the people around her.

While both offer great contributions to each other, they misread each other most of the time and give advice based on their own perspective. This leads to frustration in relationships when the Masculine doesn’t do things the way the Feminine would do them, and vice versa.

It gets even worse when we are unable to see where our partner is coming from and make them wrong for being the way they are, then we get angry because they can’t be who we want them to be when we’re just trying to help.

Have you ever experienced that? I have.

I was working with a couple recently, and they weren’t seeing eye to eye about work. She is working on a huge time consuming project that she loves, is taking care of her aging mother, and works as a life coach. She spends a lot of time doing all kinds of things that she loves while her sweetheart has a job that he doesn’t particularly like.

He looks at her and sees her doing multiple things and wants to take care of her and help her to focus on one thing. So, he was saying things like, “Stop doing that,” or “Just focus on your project.” But to her, just focusing on her project would be like death. She cares for her mother, she loves her coaching AND she loves the project she’s working on.

She looks at him and sees him in a job that he hates. She hears him express his unhappiness about what he’s doing. She cares about him so she gives him the advice to do something that he loves, because that’s what she, as a woman, would put her attention on. It’s all about life enhancement for women. So she encourages him to do something that will enhance his life. However, her input gets brushed aside because what he’s doing provides for himself and his son. He can’t see himself leaving his job until his 15 year old son is grown.

On the surface it looked like they’re helping each other. But because they didn’t understand how the other one operated in the world, they were unintentionally hurting each other. If this type of conversation gets a foothold in your relationship, it can mean breakup or years of frustration.

When we worked together, he began to understand that his sweetheart loved what she was doing, and the best way to support her was to make sure she was getting some quality down time to nurture herself so she could do what she loved. She got that the best way to support him was to plant seeds for him that would help him leave his job and move onto something more fulfilling when his son was 18.

Understanding how your partner operates in the world not only averts relationship disaster, it creates the foundation for a life of relationship bliss.

If you want to learn more about the instinctual differences between men and women and how to avoid letting them run your relationship amok, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo who are committed to creating Conscious Partnership.
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

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Category: Uncategorized

Do you ever feel like you’re hitting a brick wall talking to your partner?

Prevent miscommunication

If you’re like most men and women, this happens quite often. From a woman wanting to talk about her feelings and never getting to the point, to a man speaking in bullet points when she wants details.

The truth is that men and women are so different that we’d be better off if we ACTUALLY spoke different languages, because then, they wouldn’t think they were communicating.

We miscommunicate about: money, planning, children, who’s in charge of what, our needs, what’s important to us, how we like attention and affection. And that’s if you already are in a relationship.

The dating world is especially challenging. If you’re trying to connect with someone new and don’t know how because you don’t understand how men and women communicate differently, you’ll be in trouble, and probably spend a lot of time being single.

The world has changed, but our instinctual differences in how we communicate have not. To get to Partnership, you have to understand the differences between the masculine and feminine ways of communicating.

Did you know women tend to use about 25,000 words a day while men average 5,000? And as my father says, “Yeah, and that’s all you need!” I’d bet that most men experience the deluge of words a woman speaks as way too much.

Women (the feminine mode) tend to go on and on and on because the details help them to figure out how they can support the people in their lives. Men (the masculine mode) typically don’t care about the details because he just needs to know what needs to be provided.

Picture this scenario: A man and woman are talking. She’s asking questions to get to know him. He’s answering in one word answers. She’s feeling like he doesn’t want to connect and he feels like he’s being interrogated.

This does not bode well for connecting, now does it?

This week I want you to think of yourself as an explorer in another country learning to communicate with the natives (opposite sex). Be curious. Be open. Ask questions about how the person experiences life and their views of the world. Practice listening!

Do this even if you’ve been married for 75 years!

 

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Category: Safety, Commitment and Getting Your Needs Met, Video Posts

Relationship Success Depends on Making Clean Deals (Video Interview)

On the most basic level, people make assumptions about how their partner operates in the world, and it’s quite often wrong – especially between men and women.

In my interview with Max Van Praag, Private Matters.tv – Episode 40 – “Relationship Success Depends on Making Clean Deals.”, we discuss what it takes for couples to make what I call “clean deals” with each other – deals that are at the foundation of thriving partnerships because they ensure that both parties are on the same page with one another from the beginning so that misunderstandings, hurt and resentments don’t develop and build into a crisis along the way.