Tag Archives: Build Trust and Understanding

Top 5 Tips for Nurturing Your Relationship in 2016

Instead of focusing on the problems in your relationship, make a commitment to build the loving and joyful partnership you want.
How to Nurture Your Love
You can start right now by focusing on what’s working in your relationship.

Try using the following Top 5 Tips for Nurturing Your Relationship in 2016!

  1. When your partner gets angry, instead of responding with anger, choose to see the anger as fear. Listen for the fear behind the words, and imagine him or her like a hurt little child who doesn’t know how to ask for comfort and reassurance. This will help you respond with love and compassion instead of reacting to the anger. By listening instead of engaging in an argument, you minimize the fallout from the anger. This will deepen your connection instead of breaking your relationship.
  2. When you notice yourself resisting your partner as he or she expresses feelings, STOP and ASK YOURSELF “What is being expressed here that I am fearful of looking at: in myself or in my past?” Relationships, by their very nature, will bring up wounds from your past. By noticing what triggers you, you can use the trigger for healing and closure. This will create space for you two to be present with each other.
  3. Once a week, set aside some time to clear up any Emotional Tension that has built up in your relationship. Use this time to communicate Your Truth with your partner about whatever you may not have handled and may need to be cleaned up. Let your partner know what you’re feeling without blaming them. Really listen to each other with an open heart and respond when the speaker is complete. Take turns. This will deepen your relationship and create a fresh place for you both to move forward in.
  4. Use the 3 A’s of Relationships (Attention, Appreciation, Affection) with your partner 3 times a day, for at least 3 minutes. It will feed your partner’s heart. You will begin to see your partner glow RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES! And you will feel Glowy yourself! For an additional bonus add in Acceptance and Allowing, and watch your partner’s heart melt.
  5. Make love from choice instead of obligation. Choose to nurture your relationship. Learn what sex does for your partner. We often assume it’s about taking, but it can be about joining and connection. Making love causes the bonding hormone oxytocin to flow, deepening your experience, and making the day-to-day demands of life flow more comfortably and lessen your stress level.
If you’ve been having problems connecting with your partner and building the relationship that you want, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to create Conscious Partnership!
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist


Getting to a Place of Choice in your relationship

On a scale of 1-10, how successful are your relationship instincts? Do they serve you well? Or run you ragged?

Exchanging Instinct for Choice

Have you ever stayed in an an unhealthy relationship because it felt safer? Had sex before you were ready? Stuck around because the kids come first? Forgotten what you need to be happy in your relationship?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you’ve experienced how easily instinct can sabotage your attempts to have a great relationship. But what is instinct and why does it work so diligently at your expense?

Instinct is your unconscious bio-chemical response mechanism tasked to secure survival.

That’s it. It’s the non-negotiable hard-wiring that motivates our behaviors and responses at every turn, guiding us to seek food and shelter, safety, companionship, and the means to pro-create.

Instinct will have men provide and protect and women support and adapt, without regards to compatibility, mutual benefit, securing joy and harmony, or getting your “fulfill me” needs met.

At its worst, instinct overshadows what Spirit has to offer because the majority of instinct assumes the perspectives of others (erroneously most times) and comes from a place of fear: Fear of loneliness; Fear of failure; Fear of losing the support of our family and friends.

Spirit is the place of Choice and Enhancement.

It’s about consciously choosing a partner and consciously creating the experience of joy, partnership, intimacy and integrity instead of letting Instinct guide you unchecked.

Spirit is what allows us the capacity to re-train our Instincts!

Re-training your Instincts requires working to understand them first. Working to figure out the positive intention underlying the “need” they are trying to fulfill.

Clearing out past hurts.

Committing to find clarity for yourself about what you want your relationship to look like in concrete terms.

Co-creating Conscious Partnership then becomes about representing clearly who you are, what you want and need, and what you’re able to provide for your partner.

Understanding the difference between Being In Instinct or Being At Choice with your partner is the cornerstone of ALL joyous and love-lived relationships because when you are At Choice, you can freely create deeper, more satisfying, and longer-lasting connections with your partner!

Sounds yummy, huh?

If you or someone you know has been experiencing challenges getting to the place of Choice in dating or relating, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to move beyond Instinct to the place of actively creating Conscious Partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

How to use the PLATINUM RULE to Skyrocket your Love and Connection!

Have you ever wondered what the world would look like if your partner treated you the way you want to be treated?

Platinum Rule for Joy and Harmony

If you could get the right amount of appreciation? The right amount of affection? The right amount of attention and respect?

How awesome would you feel if you could WIN with your partner? If you could shift from basic life support in your relationship to systematically boosting and buoying one another up?!

What if I told you this world MANIFESTS when you implement the PLATINUM RULE for relationship success?


While the Golden Rule would have you treat your partner the way that YOU want to be treated, the PLATINUM RULE has you treat your partner the way s/he WANTS to be treated!

Can you see how this fundamental shift in your orientation can have profound consequences for the peace, love, joy and harmony you experience in your relationship?
Not just your romantic relationship, but ALL of your relationships!

Our default way interacting with one another is usually based on a combination of personal history (how we were taught to behave) and projection (how we would want to be treated). But this default method fails to account for the many cultural and gender differences between us, let alone our own unique personal tastes!

Using the Platinum Rule shifts your orientation from “what I want” to “let me first understand what others want and take that into account.”

It is designed to accommodate the feelings and experiences of others so that you will always win with the most important people in your lives!


Here’s what I want you to do:

1. Invite your partner (or a good friend or family member) to commit to trying out the Platinum Rule with you.

2. Engage in a conversation (or series of conversations) asking each other about when and how you like to receive attention. What makes you feel acknowledged and unconditionally accepted by your loved ones? What about appreciation? Do you like words in the moment? Or prefer gestures? How much do you need? What about affection? Do you like holding hands? Lots of cuddling or hugs? Or do you start feeling a little smothered with too much? etc.

3. LISTEN TO LEARN without judgment or expectation. You are curious! This is an opportunity to learn more about someone else and how they like to be treated. Notice how really listening opens your heart. Notice how it changes your perspective about the person or situation. What assumptions can you let go of now that you’ve heard it from them?

4. IMPLEMENT the Platinum Rule by modifying your interactions based on what you’ve learned about one another.

5. CELEBRATE the Platinum Rule by SHARING HOW IT AFFECTS YOU when they honor you by treating you in the ways you enjoy being treated!

REMEMBER: No one person can provide you with everything you need.

Shoot for 25% maximum within your personal relationship. Think about where you can subsidize your partner’s ability to provide you with more attention or appreciation OUTSIDE of your relationship.

If you have been struggling to create the you relationship you want, there’s hope and help!
I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to turn their dating and relating experiences around right now!
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

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What Makes Men and Women Feel Safe is as Different as Night and Day

We know that men and women react to situations differently, but do you know why?

Safety Means Different Things

One of the core reasons is that they each experience the world differently. Men have a much stronger connection to the physical than women do, and women have a much stronger connection to the relational and spiritual than men do (I’ll cover this in next week’s article).

Men tend to be bigger and stronger than women. Because of this, they have a much stronger sense of confidence in themselves and their ability to keep themselves safe. In fact, because of this confidence, they almost always feel safe moving through the world. The exceptions have to do with extreme cases, like having a gun pointed at their head, but in general, there is very little regarding their physical-ness that they experience with fear.

Women on the other hand, tend to be smaller and weaker than men, so their confidence in their physical abilities to protect themselves isn’t so high. They rely on the men in their lives to protect them, and if they don’t have a man, they do everything they can to protect themselves and their offspring.

When men and women get into partnership, things like safety can create tension and break relationships up when they aren’t addressed. Here’s an example:

One of my clients, I’ll call Sheila, recently became engaged to a man, I’ll call Brett. They adore each other. Sheila had been single for the most part of 30 years before she met Brett. She also has a daughter. Before she moved in with Brett, she’d lived with a female housemate. They kept the house buttoned up like a fortress, and any visitor was to call before coming over.

Sheila’s now moved in with Brett. They are busy merging their lives together. He has always kept an open-door policy, and she’s been trying to change that because of the unbearable anxiety she feels with the doors unlocked, and the habit of locking everything. They’ve had quite a few heated arguments about it.

When we spoke about the situation, she began by expressing her anger and frustration with Brett’s allowing people to come and go without calling first, as had been her policy when she’d lived alone. She felt like Brett didn’t care about how she felt. She was right; it hadn’t even occurred to him why she might feel afraid.

During her coaching session, she began to understand why Brett wasn’t concerned at all about the house and the safety. He’s a big man and had never in his life experienced a physical threat. Not only that, because he sees himself as her protector, he knew he was protecting her. Something she didn’t understand by his casualness in addressing her concerns. He’s say things like, “it’s fine, just let it go,” and “you’re making a big deal out of nothing.” Unfortunately, this was only making her feel more anxious and uncared for.

Women experience real and imagined threats to their physical safety almost every day. From a man’s loud voice when he’s angry that triggers her instinctual fears, to choosing the safest parking space when parking their car. Most women take it as par for the course to pay attention to these things, however it’s something that most men will never truly understand because of how they experience the world.

Together we came up with a plan for her talking with him about what she needed in order to feel safe. It was through understanding their differences that she was able to explain to him why she was afraid. He was able to conceptually understand where she was coming from, although he will never truly get her experience.

With this understanding, they were able to have a civil conversation and put a protocol in place that allows her to feel safe and him to still have his friends and family feel comfortable coming over.

If you and your partner are struggling to find harmony in your relationship, request a Relationship Breakthrough Session today. If someone you know is struggling with their relationship, please pass this on.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist