Did you know that men rarely feel physically unsafe? It’s true. Unless they have a gun to their head, they most often feel pretty comfortable in the world.
What makes a man feel unsafe has to do with his ability to provide and protect the people in their commitment circle.
Anything that threatens his ability to do what he needs to do to keep the people in his life safe makes him feel unsafe.
Men can only protect others effectively if they feel safe first. Period.
Imagine this, you have a sense that he’s not telling you something. The more you ask, the more he tries to get away from the “interrogation.” The more intense you get because your gut tells you he’s holding something back.
Each moment he doesn’t tell you what’s going on, the more convinced you are that he’s hiding something. Usually this story ends with an unhappy ending.
Does that story sound familiar? You’re not alone.
Here’s the thing, there is nothing in a man’s instinctual nature to get him to reveal anything, and any time he does, it’s because he sees an upside to revealing. He has to know there’s a benefit to revealing what’s in his soul.
The best way to understand this dynamic is to imagine a warrior going off to war. His job is to protect the people he has committed himself to protect. In order to do this, he won’t reveal his weaknesses or his strengths to ANYONE if he can help it OR unless he feels he is completely safe with them.
If he told the enemy who his family was, they would no longer be safe. If he told the enemy what the plan was, his squadron wouldn’t be safe. If he expressed his vulnerabilities, he wouldn’t be safe.
That’s right. For a man to share what’s deepest inside him, he must feel safe. You are the key to that.
Your man needs to know that you are safe to be vulnerable with. Your irritation, frustration and even anger are unsafe to him. The tone of our voice, the furrowing of our brow, and the intensity that you experience when you feel unsafe cause him to feel unsafe too.
The more you need transparency, the more he clams up. Many relationships have ended because of this dynamic. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
It is possible to learn how to be safe for a man to reveal his deepest emotions. It is possible to be his confidant. It is possible to become safe enough for him to open his soul to you, but you must learn how to be safe.
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist
If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to creating lifelong partnership.