Maybe you’ve heard that on average men use 5,000 words per day and women use 25,000. But did you know that this simple statistic can wreak havoc in your relationship if you don’t know where your partner is coming from when you ask them something as seemingly harmless as: How was your day?!
This is because men and women use words to achieve different goals.
Men use words to express what they think and what they think matters!
They’ve usually put a lot of thought into what they think about things, and so they need far fewer words to express the point.
For men: the point matters and they listen for the point.
Women use words to forge connection!
They spend a lot of time gathering details about the world, and they share all of those details for the purpose connecting with people on an emotional level. The more they talk, the deeper they connect, and women need that connection to sustain themselves.
For women: there is no comparable “point” because just sharing is the point.
TIPS FOR MEN:
When you ask your woman how her day was, she hears that she matters. That you care. Because your caring is priceless to her, I would encourage you to ask her about her day every day!
When she answers, make sure to listen like there’s nothing to fix because YOU GET YOUR POINTS BY LISTENING!
When she’s done talking, ask her any question you’ve saved up, or ask her if there’s something specific she wants you to remember (because maybe that was an awful lot of stuff!).
Just listening without interrupting provides her with the space she needs to share herself and feel more connected to you in your relationship.
TIPS FOR WOMEN:
Remember that your man is ALWAYS single focused, so you’ve got to get his attention before diving into a conversation. You could start by saying something like, “Hey Honey…” and wait until you have his attention.
Then ask him, “What do you want me to know about your day?” If your man gives you a one word answer about how his day was, BELIEVE HIM! There’s nothing in a man’s nature to make him share the details, and questioning feels like prying to him.
When you want to connect, think about something specific you want your man’s input on, ask him what he thinks, and wait.
As crazy as it might sound: Imagine plastering pink duct tape over your mouth for a minimum of 30 seconds! Do not interrupt. Do not re-phrase the question. Resist the urge to think that he didn’t hear you the first time!
YOU GET POINTS FOR WAITING!
Waiting provides him with the space to actually think about what he thinks long enough to formulate his point and answer your question in a way that’s meaningful to him! Waiting shows him that what he has to say matters to you as much as it does to him.
Waiting will help to forge the connection that you yearn to create!
If you’ve been having problems connecting with your partner and building the relationship that you want, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to turn their dating and relating experiences around right now!
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To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist