Everyone has good moods and bad moods. When it’s someone you aren’t intimate with, you can often easily let the person’s bad mood roll off your back and simply offer a word or two of support.
However, in a romantic relationship because you’re more interconnected it can be harder to maintain that kind of detachment. After all, you share a home and your life. You’re managing jobs and possibly raising children too.
Our moods have to do with where we put our attention and focus. George Markowsky says that our “senses gather some 11 million bits per second from the environment… In other words, the human body sends 11 million bits per second to the brain for processing, yet the conscious mind seems to be able to process only 50 bits per second.”
That’s over 950 billion bits of information coming at you every day. Some of that information can uplift you, and some can send you into a downward spiral. Think about it, with those numbers, it’s unlikely that everything is all bad.
What we are paying attention to affects our moods. We’re actually designed instinctively to notice problems. That’s what’s kept our species alive, and it’s our default mode. With so much information coming into our senses, we can unconsciously let our attention focus only on unwanted experiences.
On the other hand, you can consciously choose to notice the information that uplifts you. It can take some practice, but the results will likely be more desirable than the alternative.
Now let’s apply this to your relationship. One of the reasons you’re with your partner is that you were able to build enough rapport with them to feel comfortable and fall in love.
That’s what we do as humans. We resonate with each other. There are electromagnetic frequencies radiating out from your heart to your partner’s, and vice versa. That’s how love grows.
Building rapport is about unconsciously, or consciously, matching the mood of the people you are close to. For better or worse. It’s great news if you or your partner is in an uplifted mood.
Dr. John Gottman says that couples that last are ones who let each other influence each other. Your partner leads, you follow. Or you lead, and your partner follows. You match: you connect: your relationship blossoms. It’s a sweet deal.
On the other hand, because you’re interconnected with your partner, their unpleasant mood can affect you too.
What do you do if your partner is in a bad mood often? What if you or your partner is in a downward spiral? Like Linus from Peanuts, with a dark cloud over their head?
If you match them, you’ll likely go down too.
What do you do if you don’t want to go down with them? You may try to help them feel better but, as you may have noticed, it can lead to frustration for both of you. What if your partner’s angry? You try to intervene, and you end up getting angry too. Or you try to avoid them, and it creates a wall of hurt between you two.
To learn what you can do to avoid getting caught up in your Partner’s experience, Download my 6 Steps for Dealing with Moodiness In Your Relationship (Special Report) Now.
6 Steps for Dealing with Moodiness Report 02-2015
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist
If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to turning things around.