Solving the Dueling Provider Dilemma

Fear of failure makes you hide from the inevitable breakup. But it also makes you hide from a real solution.

How to Prevent DivorceIf breaking up is the last thing you want, and you have no idea what to do to turn things around, read on because waiting until you’ve said horrible things to each other and you’re seething in anger never works.

One of my clients, I’ll call Margaret, reached out to me in February. She was terrified that her relationship was failing. She had good evidence that things were grim.

Her husband, I’ll call Mark, had told her he wanted a divorce and was looking on dating sites. Mark was no longer willing to talk with her about their relationship. He pushed Margaret away at every turn.

It felt like the life, trust and family they’d been building for the last 12 years was being ripped away from her, and they have a two year old daughter.

The good news is that she reached out before Mark had moved out.

The problem was that when their daughter arrived, Margaret became Mama Bear protecting her daughter, and she’d ignored Mark’s ideas about parenting. Mama Bear mode, by the way, is extremely protective and what I’d call masculine mode.

Margaret and Mark had had very different upbringings, and have very different ideas about how to raise children. This isn’t uncommon. Add to that that often the masculine and feminine have different ideas about parenting to begin with, and trouble brews.

They hadn’t clarified how they wanted to raise their children and both of them had assumed they were on the same page. Which they weren’t.

Margaret and Mark were experiencing an all too common scenario of two people in masculine mode. Or what I call, “Dueling Providers.”

This happens when a couple doesn’t have clear DEALS about something. In this case it was raising children.

Mark couldn’t even see the qualities he loved about Margaret anymore, and neither could she. Their situation had changed with the birth of their daughter, and they hadn’t renegotiated a new DEAL, so they were battling.

They were both protecting and providing for their daughter in different ways, and they couldn’t even see it through the arguments.

As Margaret and I began to work together, she learned how to navigate Mark’s masculine energy and make room for him to contribute to parenting their daughter.

She also learned how to change her focus from the problems they were having to finding good that Mark was offering.

It took about three months and now, divorce is off the table, they are planning a family vacation, and planning their next child.

If you’re frustrated and scared and don’t know where to start, the first step is to be open to the possibility that nobody is misbehaving and recognize that men and women are different – you and your partner speak different languages.

You love each other and resolving your differences is about developing consciousness in your relationship (it’s not about compromising).

It’s about learning how to navigate your differences in ways that work to empower your sense of partnership.


I offer a Relationship Breakthrough Session designed to help you get clarity about where you are in your relationship, what you want, and what you can do to get there.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Are you tired of being angry?

Whether you’re single and want a relationship or you’re already in one, what I’m about to tell you about the perilous cycle of emasculation and objectification is one of the most challenging and important components for relationship success.

Rooting out Anger

It’s critical to understand how it works because it plays out all around us every single day, in subtle and dramatic ways.

Objectification is turning a person into an object.

Put simply, men do it to women by seeing them as sexual objects, and women do it to men by seeing them as meal tickets.

Emasculation is generally a way of being with men that deprives them of their strength, vigor, spirit and role. Essentially emasculating a man is to make him ineffective.

Both are ways of dis-empowering another human being.

We see another person as if they are a misbehaving version of ourselves if they are doing something we’d never do, or not doing something we’d absolutely do.

We tend to react by backing away and withholding ourselves or lashing out in anger. This anger looks like men treating women as objects, and women emasculating men.

When either sex feels threatened, they lash out at the other.

In order to make sense of it at all, let’s start by looking at human animal and human spirit. Human animal is our instinct about survival and procreation. It’s our default mode of being. It causes us to protect ourselves when we feel threatened.

Human spirit is our consciousness, it is about choice and it’s what makes great relationships possible. When we can choose how we want to respond to any situation, then we can love fully and experience the partnership we truly want.

Unfortunately, you can be the most conscious person in the world and still get tripped up by instinct.

Instinct is strong, raw and pervasive. You might think that it doesn’t impact your relationship because you’re conscious, but I’m here to tell you that very few people, if any, are above the pull of instinct. The best we can hope for is to understand it and learn how to navigate it.

Men and women are wired differently and see the world in different ways. Learning about how your partner experiences the world and learning to navigate the territory of being a “We” eliminates between 80-90% of relationship problems.

Through understanding where your partner is coming from, you will be able to find peace within yourself.

When you find peace within yourself, you won’t be angry with your partner. When you’re not angry with your partner and are coming from a place of peace within yourself, you can be conscious and create the relationship you truly want.

It all starts with you changing your perspective and choosing to see your partner as a unique being who is different than you are and bringing your best self into the relationship.

If you’re suffering from relationship challenges with the opposite sex and need help, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to turning things around.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

It’s not your Job to Fix your Partner’s Emotions

Everyone has good moods and bad moods. When it’s someone you aren’t intimate with, you can often easily let the person’s bad mood roll off your back and simply offer a word or two of support.

Handling your partner's emotions

However, in a romantic relationship because you’re more interconnected it can be harder to maintain that kind of detachment. After all, you share a home and your life. You’re managing jobs and possibly raising children too.

Our moods have to do with where we put our attention and focus. George Markowsky says that our “senses gather some 11 million bits per second from the environment… In other words, the human body sends 11 million bits per second to the brain for processing, yet the conscious mind seems to be able to process only 50 bits per second.”

That’s over 950 billion bits of information coming at you every day. Some of that information can uplift you, and some can send you into a downward spiral. Think about it, with those numbers, it’s unlikely that everything is all bad.

What we are paying attention to affects our moods. We’re actually designed instinctively to notice problems. That’s what’s kept our species alive, and it’s our default mode. With so much information coming into our senses, we can unconsciously let our attention focus only on unwanted experiences.

On the other hand, you can consciously choose to notice the information that uplifts you. It can take some practice, but the results will likely be more desirable than the alternative.

Now let’s apply this to your relationship. One of the reasons you’re with your partner is that you were able to build enough rapport with them to feel comfortable and fall in love.

That’s what we do as humans. We resonate with each other. There are electromagnetic frequencies radiating out from your heart to your partner’s, and vice versa. That’s how love grows.

Building rapport is about unconsciously, or consciously, matching the mood of the people you are close to. For better or worse. It’s great news if you or your partner is in an uplifted mood.

Dr. John Gottman says that couples that last are ones who let each other influence each other. Your partner leads, you follow. Or you lead, and your partner follows. You match: you connect: your relationship blossoms. It’s a sweet deal.

On the other hand, because you’re interconnected with your partner, their unpleasant mood can affect you too.

What do you do if your partner is in a bad mood often? What if you or your partner is in a downward spiral? Like Linus from Peanuts, with a dark cloud over their head?

If you match them, you’ll likely go down too.

What do you do if you don’t want to go down with them? You may try to help them feel better but, as you may have noticed, it can lead to frustration for both of you. What if your partner’s angry? You try to intervene, and you end up getting angry too. Or you try to avoid them, and it creates a wall of hurt between you two.

To learn what you can do to avoid getting caught up in your Partner’s experience, Download my 6 Steps for Dealing with Moodiness In Your Relationship (Special Report) Now.

6 Steps for Dealing with Moodiness Report 02-2015

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to turning things around.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

How Relationship Stress Affects Your Health – the Biochemistry of Emotions

Our emotions play an enormous role in our health, vitality and well-being or lack there of.

How Relationship Stress Affects Your Health

Dr. Candace Pert states in her book Molecules of Emotion that “virtually all illness, if not psychosomatic in foundation, has a definite psychosomatic component.” When we are experiencing frustrations with our partner, our relationship, and our lives, it adds up to chronic stress.

Chronic stress is mental or physical tension, strain or pressure that remains unresolved for extended periods of time. This stress can be initiated by events such as fighting with your partner, hurts that build up over time, dissatisfaction with your relationship, unresolved family problems, tension raising children, miscommunications and pent-up frustrations.

It can also be caused by dissatisfaction with your life in general through not having a sense of purpose in the world, as well as, not feeling connected to your partner, your family, or your community.

The key ingredient that makes any of these situations stressful is the way a person perceives the experiences, not the experiences themselves. Whether you’re single or already in a relationship, this matters because it impacts your ability to create the relationship you truly desire.

Many people don’t think that chronic stress affects the body, and as a result, they may be suffering from autoimmune disorders, chronic back pain, coronary artery disease, fibromyalgia, heart palpitations, hypertension, irritable bowel syndrome, lupus, migraine headaches, mitral valve prolapse, multiple sclerosis, panic attacks, rheumatoid arthritis, tension, TMJ, and other conditions, says Dr. Don Colbert author of Deadly Emotions.

Much of Western culture operates under the assumption that the mind is separate from the body. We have been taught that our bodies are simply objects to be carried around, to exercise and feed. The majority of people do not realize the link between their thoughts, emotions, and daily stresses and their physical ailments.

One person whom I did not work with, said he was experiencing Irritable Bowel Syndrome and anxiety. It turns out that he was in a very stressful job as an executive at a worldwide corporation. When I asked him if he saw that his current situation was impacting his body, he answered with complete conviction, that his job could not be affecting his bowel and that what he had was genetic.


The truth is that our environment plays an enormous role in whether or not certain genes manifest into disease. It is the mind-body consciousness split that causes people to deny that the environment has anything to do with how healthy or unhealthy they are.

One women I worked with had been experiencing ear infections and vertigo for several years without any underlying cause that her doctors could find. Through our work together, she was able to discover that the symptoms were caused by a part of her that was tired of traveling.

This part of her psyche sounded very tired and wanted to stay in one place to raise their two-year-old son. She and her husband had been traveling for the past seven years, moving every two months to a new country to photograph Olympic teams.

Our bodies are incredibly intelligent and it is surprising how often the symptoms someone experiences make logical sense once it’s been discovered. Unconsciously, she didn’t want to travel anymore and her symptoms were ear problems (you’re not supposed to get on an airplane with an ear problem).

She’d been afraid to speak with her husband because she didn’t want to rock the boat. As we worked together, she realized that it was sabotaging her health to keep her symptom needs hidden from her husband. So, with this understanding, she spoke with her husband about her concerns for the first time.

Men have told me that they want you to be clear about what you need because they want to take care of you. They can’t take care of you if they don’t know what you need.

They decided to buy a house in a place where he would be able to use his photographic skill, and her symptoms disappeared. When the message from her unconscious mind was finally heard, and she realized that not resolving this problem in her relationship was risking her health, she was able to take action and resolve the physical symptoms.

Our environment includes external and internal factors. Chronic stress is both external and internal because what is going on outside of us is internalized through our perception. How we perceive what is going on for us causes our body to create chemicals in our bodies that affect every cell of our body.

Environmental Stress

Every cell in our body has a wall around it that has receptors that pick up these chemicals. Dr. Bruce Lipton, author of The Biology of Belief, calls it the “mem-brain.” This mem-brain reads the chemicals produce by our emotions that pass by.

If you are feeling good about your relationship, you have feel-good chemicals in your body that cause your body to function properly, to heal, and to be in health and wellness.

If you are feeling upset, frustrated, and angry, often the molecules of emotion that will be filling your body will be stress related, causing you to go into fight or flight mode, and ultimately lead to disease.

The mem-brain has receptors for each kind of chemical that our bodies create. Whether you’re feeling happy or angry often, your cell’s receptors will become addicted to that particular kind of chemical.

This is why if you’re in fight or flight mode most of the time, the receptors for the feel good emotions will become dormant, and it takes a little time and diligent practice to change your emotional state.

The reverse is also true. The better you feel, the more your body will crave the feel good chemicals and put your body on the course for health and wellness.

This is why I propose 3 Must Haves for Relationship Success:

1. You must understand your partner; 2. You must learn to navigate your differences, and 3. You must learn to manage your emotional state.

Doing these things will create an upward spiral in your relationship experience and support your health.

If you’re suffering from relationship challenges with the opposite sex and you are sick and tired, isn’t it time you got some help?

Click here to schedule a Relationship Breakthrough Session and turn your experience around.
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

What Makes a Man Feel Safe

Did you know that men rarely feel physically unsafe? It’s true. Unless they have a gun to their head, they most often feel pretty comfortable in the world.

Men and Safety

What makes a man feel unsafe has to do with his ability to provide and protect the people in their commitment circle.

Anything that threatens his ability to do what he needs to do to keep the people in his life safe makes him feel unsafe.

Men can only protect others effectively if they feel safe first. Period.

Imagine this, you have a sense that he’s not telling you something. The more you ask, the more he tries to get away from the “interrogation.” The more intense you get because your gut tells you he’s holding something back.

Each moment he doesn’t tell you what’s going on, the more convinced you are that he’s hiding something. Usually this story ends with an unhappy ending.

Does that story sound familiar? You’re not alone.

Here’s the thing, there is nothing in a man’s instinctual nature to get him to reveal anything, and any time he does, it’s because he sees an upside to revealing. He has to know there’s a benefit to revealing what’s in his soul.

The best way to understand this dynamic is to imagine a warrior going off to war. His job is to protect the people he has committed himself to protect. In order to do this, he won’t reveal his weaknesses or his strengths to ANYONE if he can help it OR unless he feels he is completely safe with them.

If he told the enemy who his family was, they would no longer be safe. If he told the enemy what the plan was, his squadron wouldn’t be safe. If he expressed his vulnerabilities, he wouldn’t be safe.

That’s right. For a man to share what’s deepest inside him, he must feel safe. You are the key to that.

Your man needs to know that you are safe to be vulnerable with. Your irritation, frustration and even anger are unsafe to him. The tone of our voice, the furrowing of our brow, and the intensity that you experience when you feel unsafe cause him to feel unsafe too.

The more you need transparency, the more he clams up. Many relationships have ended because of this dynamic. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

It is possible to learn how to be safe for a man to reveal his deepest emotions. It is possible to be his confidant. It is possible to become safe enough for him to open his soul to you, but you must learn how to be safe.

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to creating lifelong partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

What Makes Men and Women Feel Safe is as Different as Night and Day

We know that men and women react to situations differently, but do you know why?

Safety Means Different Things

One of the core reasons is that they each experience the world differently. Men have a much stronger connection to the physical than women do, and women have a much stronger connection to the relational and spiritual than men do (I’ll cover this in next week’s article).

Men tend to be bigger and stronger than women. Because of this, they have a much stronger sense of confidence in themselves and their ability to keep themselves safe. In fact, because of this confidence, they almost always feel safe moving through the world. The exceptions have to do with extreme cases, like having a gun pointed at their head, but in general, there is very little regarding their physical-ness that they experience with fear.

Women on the other hand, tend to be smaller and weaker than men, so their confidence in their physical abilities to protect themselves isn’t so high. They rely on the men in their lives to protect them, and if they don’t have a man, they do everything they can to protect themselves and their offspring.

When men and women get into partnership, things like safety can create tension and break relationships up when they aren’t addressed. Here’s an example:

One of my clients, I’ll call Sheila, recently became engaged to a man, I’ll call Brett. They adore each other. Sheila had been single for the most part of 30 years before she met Brett. She also has a daughter. Before she moved in with Brett, she’d lived with a female housemate. They kept the house buttoned up like a fortress, and any visitor was to call before coming over.

Sheila’s now moved in with Brett. They are busy merging their lives together. He has always kept an open-door policy, and she’s been trying to change that because of the unbearable anxiety she feels with the doors unlocked, and the habit of locking everything. They’ve had quite a few heated arguments about it.

When we spoke about the situation, she began by expressing her anger and frustration with Brett’s allowing people to come and go without calling first, as had been her policy when she’d lived alone. She felt like Brett didn’t care about how she felt. She was right; it hadn’t even occurred to him why she might feel afraid.

During her coaching session, she began to understand why Brett wasn’t concerned at all about the house and the safety. He’s a big man and had never in his life experienced a physical threat. Not only that, because he sees himself as her protector, he knew he was protecting her. Something she didn’t understand by his casualness in addressing her concerns. He’s say things like, “it’s fine, just let it go,” and “you’re making a big deal out of nothing.” Unfortunately, this was only making her feel more anxious and uncared for.

Women experience real and imagined threats to their physical safety almost every day. From a man’s loud voice when he’s angry that triggers her instinctual fears, to choosing the safest parking space when parking their car. Most women take it as par for the course to pay attention to these things, however it’s something that most men will never truly understand because of how they experience the world.

Together we came up with a plan for her talking with him about what she needed in order to feel safe. It was through understanding their differences that she was able to explain to him why she was afraid. He was able to conceptually understand where she was coming from, although he will never truly get her experience.

With this understanding, they were able to have a civil conversation and put a protocol in place that allows her to feel safe and him to still have his friends and family feel comfortable coming over.

If you and your partner are struggling to find harmony in your relationship, request a Relationship Breakthrough Session today. If someone you know is struggling with their relationship, please pass this on.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Do You Take The Easy Way Out?

Have you found yourself repeating the same pattern in relationships?

Break the cycle of disappoinment

You met someone wonderful. You thought you’d found your soul-mate. Wondered where they’d been all your life. A person who shared your values, dreams and aspirations… and then they turned into a dud?

Same old story, different person?

It’s easy to complain. It’s easy to blame. It’s easy to criticize. It’s easy to make your partner responsible for your experience. If only they would just do what I wanted. If only they cared enough to do the right thing. It’s easy to call it quits instead of putting attention into your relationship. But is that going to really get you what you want?

If you left, then what? A new relationship? A new start? But you’ve done that before, haven’t you? Walked away because nothing was working anymore. The excitement was gone. The passion had died. The fantasy was shattered, and you couldn’t figure out how to fix it. You even tried everything you knew how to do.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you keep doing the same thing, guess what? You’re going to keep getting the same results.

What doesn’t feel easy, but works better than criticism, blame and calling it quits… AGAIN, is taking personal responsibility for how you feel and how you approach your relationship.

People spend years going from being deeply in love and getting married to hating their former spouse and calling it quits. I’ve seen the fallout from families destroyed, and the frustration of looking for someone new.

I’ve also seen relationships turn around with the right information that I teach in the Relationship Navigation System.

I believe that the only way to change your experience is to learn how to manage yourself, your emotions, learn what makes your partner tick, and learn how to successfully navigate your experience with the opposite sex.

Everything you feel radiates outward and attracts more of the same to you. Period. If you’re feeling angry or upset, it’s as though those feelings attract more situations that make you angry and upset. When you’re feeling good, you attract more good things. Things either spiral downward into the toilet or upward into the heavens. You’ve experienced it at least once. Right?

The problem is that just saying positive affirmations doesn’t work in relationships. You need to learn how to focus your attention and create the magnetism for what you truly want.

You need to learn how you and your partner tick. You need to learn what motivates, inspires and causes your partner to do the things they do.

If you don’t, you will be frustrated. If you don’t, you’ll see them as a misbehaving version of yourself. You’ll be frustrated at every turn and the feel like calling it quits.

If you need support, and want to learn a better way, sign up for a Relationship Breakthrough Session and find out how I can help.

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Why You Need a Relationship Plan

The other day, I was doing a Relationship Breakthrough Session with a couple who is struggling in their relationship. They’re what I call a conscious precommitted couple; they were at an impasse because they weren’t sure they were on the same page about their future.

Time to get on the same page?

They aren’t married. Mary wants to get married. She’s 51 years old and has always wanted to get married.

Dave is 54 years old, and is uncertain about getting married again, because he’s been married before.

Like most Conscious Couples, they’ve made some great choices in their relationship, but what they haven’t done is make a plan for how they want their life to be.

They have been winging it up until they hit a major roadblock.

She’d brought up the idea of marriage early on, but because they’d been having a great time together, it has sat on the back burner for the last year and a half.

Then one night at dinner, she brought it up. She thought the conversation had gone well, but it turned out that he felt broadsided.

She was surprised because she thought they were on the same page. And it’s not that they aren’t, it’s just something they haven’t talked about for most of their relationship.

There seems to be a fear about talking about the future of your relationship because maybe you’ll jinx it. The unfortunate thing is that when you don’t talk about it and create a plan for how you want to be together and what you want to do, you end up winging it, and when you wing it, you get “wing it” results.

The universe can’t provide what you want if you’re not clear. And you can’t plan your life together unless you take the time to plan your life together!

That’s why I recommend creating a Relationship Plan (in writing!) every year. Taking the time to think about and discuss what you want your life together to look like now – for the next 12 months – will keep you on the same page as a couple, and help the universe kick in its part to ensure you get great results.

CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT MY BLOG POST How to Create a GREAT Relationship Plan

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist
If you’ve been having problems connecting with your partner and building the relationship that you want, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to turn their dating and relating experiences around right now!
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

“The Science of Happiness – An Experiment in Gratitude”

I saw an amazing video a few weeks ago that I want to share with you, titled “The Science of Happiness – An Experiment in Gratitude,” produced and posted on YouTube by SoulPancake.

When SoulPancake read a research paper proving that “one of the greatest contributing factors in the overall happiness in your life is how much gratitude you show,” they produced the video to document their own happiness experiment with impressive results:

Not only do gratitude and happiness have a positive correlation, but they were able to show that the LESS HAPPY YOU ARE, THE BIGGER HAPPY-JOLT YOU GET! when you start expressing gratitude to and for the people in your life that you love and appreciate.

So, watch the video! Feel your heart open up and start soaring! Laugh and cry with the real people participating in SoulPancake’s yummy experiment!

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist
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