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“Dear Kimi,

My wife complains all the time about EVERYTHING I do. It’s like I can never do anything right. It was never like this when we were dating. I don’t know what happened.

When we got married I signed up for life.

I have no idea how to make her happy.

I don’t know what to do. Help!

Thanks,

Frustrated.”

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Dear Frustrated,

I hear you! Complaining to a woman means that she’s trying to get something she needs through to you.

I understand how frustrating it can be when she’s complaining, and doesn’t seem to be giving you any clue about what she actually wants you to do.

Sadly, you’re just not getting it because she’s giving you hints, or she’s explaining why she’s upset instead of telling what she needs.

There are a few problems going on:

1.  Women tend to not know what they need until they are upset without it.
2. They tend to give hints and then escalate to anger without an in between stage.
3. Women change when someone complains to them, so they complain to you, thinking it will make you change.
4. Bottom line: She’s trying to give you the message about what she needs, but she’s delivering it in a way that you can’t receive it, and all you hear is the storm of anger.

Here’s what you can do TO BE HER HERO!!! (Don’t be afraid – this really will work):

LET HER KNOW YOU CARE

1. Say, “Woah! I see that you’re upset and I want to help.” 
2. Let her know that you can tell that there is something she needs that’s important to her because she’s upset.
3. Ask her to sit with you because you want to understand.
4. Tell her that what she needs is truly important to you because you want her to be happy.

SETTING THE STAGE

1. When you sit down with her, set you both up to win:
   1. Ask her to take a moment and think about what she needs and is upsetting her.
   2. Let her know that you’re not a mind reader and really do want to understand, and to please be patient with you.
   3. Ask her to help you get clarity by telling you what she needs instead of why she’s upset.
2. When she starts talking, imagine you’re holding a bucket that she’s purging into and don’t interrupt. (This is important because by the time a woman’s upset, there’s usually a lot of build up of emotions and tension, that you don’t have to dive in and fix. Unless you let her express it, it will keep coming back to bite you.)
3. When she’s finished purging, ask her to do her best to bullet point her request so that you can understand it. 

PROBLEM SOLVING

1. Tell her you’re going to repeat her request back to her, and to make sure you understand it.
   1. If you do, great!
   2. If you don’t have her clarify.
2. Repeat until clarity and agreement on the need is achieved.
3. IT IS NOW TIME FOR PROBLEM SOLVING:
   1. If you can provide what she needs, do it.
   2. If you can’t provide that particular need, it behooves you and your partnership, to help her to figure out how she can get that need met. (A need is not to be confused with a REQUIREMENT that MUST be there or you or she will NEVER be happy in your partnership. Children/no children, or monogamy/polyamory, or lifestyle, or location. These are Deal Breakers.)

AREAS THAT MIGHT NEED THIS TYPE OF CONVERSATION: Cleaning the house; a certain sports activity; date nights; driving kids around; time with extended family; going on vacation; emotional support

I’ve got your back! You can do it!

With Love,

Kimi

NOTE: THIS CONVERSATION CAN GO BOTH WAYS! I address this topic in the Platinum Rule of the Relationship Navigation System. 

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