All posts by Kimi Avary

Men Need Ways to WIN! (tips for Women for Valentine’s Day +)

Setting Him Up to WINFebruary is supposedly the month of love, but unfortunately, for many couples it’s often a month of pressure and disappointment.

It’s the month of unclear expectations and trying to out do your last attempt at Valentines’ Day.

We are inundated by the media about what we’re supposed to do to celebrate: buy this diamond; go to this restaurant; surprise your partner with this or that gift.

The truth is that what you hear from someone other than your partner may or may not be what your love truly desires and you end up with disappointment.

Or maybe you get your hopes up but never let your partner know what you want Valentine’s Day to look like for you, and you end up getting an eyelash curler like I did one year.

He was confused because I was so disappointed. It was in this beautiful bag from a store filled with beautiful, sparkly makeup, and out of all that he’d chosen an eyelash curler!

Evidence that he didn’t know me or love me, I thought! And we broke up shortly thereafter.

Looking back, I know why he was confused. I had imagined what would make me happy, but I hadn’t let him know what I wanted, and when men are made to guess at what you want, they will opt for something they think you need. Can you see how this is a set up for failure?

If this sounds familiar. I want to give you some important tips to help your guy to win with you and make this month special instead of frustrating.

Make Sure Your Man Can Win With You!

  1. If you want a romantic dinner, think of a few places in different price ranges you’d like that would suit your fancy and be open to going on a different night if it’s totally booked on Valentines’ Day. Especially if either one of you is going to be tired from a long week. Find a time that you can have a romantic time without being exhausted.
  2. If you like gifts, think of 3 things that you’d be really happy receiving for Valentines’ Day in different price ranges. Let your partner know what they are. If you can take a photo, do it. This will take the guessing out of it and help him to win with you.
  3. Take care of yourself, like taking a bath, getting a massage, listening to your favorite music, and putting on something that makes you feel amazing, so that you’re in good shape to be happy and have a good time whatever he chooses from your options.
  4. Appreciate him for doing (or attempting to do) what you desire! Show him you’re happy! If he never sees himself winning with you, he’ll give up. This is CRITICAL!

Your man isn’t a mind reader. If you want something special, you’ve got to let him know. He spends all year trying to make you happy, and this one day is seen as the “end-all, be-all” to relationship success by women. It’s not. It’s just a day.

Giving your guy WAYS TO WIN will endear him to you.
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

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Top 5 Tips for Nurturing Your Relationship in 2016

Instead of focusing on the problems in your relationship, make a commitment to build the loving and joyful partnership you want.
How to Nurture Your Love
You can start right now by focusing on what’s working in your relationship.

Try using the following Top 5 Tips for Nurturing Your Relationship in 2016!

  1. When your partner gets angry, instead of responding with anger, choose to see the anger as fear. Listen for the fear behind the words, and imagine him or her like a hurt little child who doesn’t know how to ask for comfort and reassurance. This will help you respond with love and compassion instead of reacting to the anger. By listening instead of engaging in an argument, you minimize the fallout from the anger. This will deepen your connection instead of breaking your relationship.
  2. When you notice yourself resisting your partner as he or she expresses feelings, STOP and ASK YOURSELF “What is being expressed here that I am fearful of looking at: in myself or in my past?” Relationships, by their very nature, will bring up wounds from your past. By noticing what triggers you, you can use the trigger for healing and closure. This will create space for you two to be present with each other.
  3. Once a week, set aside some time to clear up any Emotional Tension that has built up in your relationship. Use this time to communicate Your Truth with your partner about whatever you may not have handled and may need to be cleaned up. Let your partner know what you’re feeling without blaming them. Really listen to each other with an open heart and respond when the speaker is complete. Take turns. This will deepen your relationship and create a fresh place for you both to move forward in.
  4. Use the 3 A’s of Relationships (Attention, Appreciation, Affection) with your partner 3 times a day, for at least 3 minutes. It will feed your partner’s heart. You will begin to see your partner glow RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES! And you will feel Glowy yourself! For an additional bonus add in Acceptance and Allowing, and watch your partner’s heart melt.
  5. Make love from choice instead of obligation. Choose to nurture your relationship. Learn what sex does for your partner. We often assume it’s about taking, but it can be about joining and connection. Making love causes the bonding hormone oxytocin to flow, deepening your experience, and making the day-to-day demands of life flow more comfortably and lessen your stress level.
If you’ve been having problems connecting with your partner and building the relationship that you want, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to create Conscious Partnership!
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

 

Survive the Holidays and THRIVE!

Relationships can really be put to the test during this time of the year when you fall prey to the stress of the season.

Survive the holidays and THRIVE

Here are a few things you can do to make it through successfully:

FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE – In every situation there is something you can focus on that you like or enjoy – make a point of looking for those things, and you will reap the benefits.

GIVE UP HOSTESS HEAD – Don’t give into instinct and go crazy trying to throw the perfect dinner party, or buy the perfect gift. Focus on the present moment and connecting with the people you love.

AVOID CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE SYNDROME – Remember that each person you encounter is having their own holiday stress. You can choose to make the experience sweet or sour in every interaction.

Wishing you the happiest of holidays!

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to creating lifelong partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

Maybe No One is Misbehaving

Have you ever thought your partner was wrong for being the way they are and then gotten angry because they won’t take your advice and they can’t be who you want them to be?

Maybe no one is misbehaving

I was working with a couple recently, and they weren’t seeing eye to eye about work. Elaine is working on a huge time consuming project that she loves, is taking care of her aging mother, and works as a life coach.

She spends a lot of time doing all kinds of things that she loves while her sweetheart has a job that he doesn’t particularly like.

Sam looks at her and sees her doing multiple things and wants to take care of her and help her to focus on one thing. So, he was saying things like, “Stop doing that,” or “Just focus on your project.”

But to her, just focusing on her project would be like death. She cares for her mother, she loves her coaching AND she loves the project she’s working on.

Elaine looks at Sam and sees him in a job that he hates. She hears him express his unhappiness about what he’s doing. She cares about him so she gives him the advice to do something that he loves, because that’s what she, as a woman, would put her attention on.

It’s all about life enhancement for women. So she encourages him to do something that will enhance his life. However, her input gets brushed aside because what he’s doing provides for himself and his son. He can’t see himself leaving his job until his 15 year old son is grown.

On the surface, it looked like they’re helping each other. But because they didn’t understand how the other one operated in the world, they were unintentionally hurting each other.

If this type of conversation gets a foothold in your relationship, it can mean breakup or years of frustration.

When we worked together, Sam began to understand that his sweetheart loved what she was doing, and the best way to support her was to make sure she was getting some quality down time to nurture herself so she could do what she loved.

Elaine got that the best way to support him was to plant seeds for him that would help him leave his job and move onto something more fulfilling when his son was 18.

Understanding how your partner operates in the world not only averts relationship disaster, it creates the foundation for a life of relationship bliss.

If you want to learn more about the instinctual differences between men and women and how to avoid letting them run your relationship amok, schedule a 30-minute appointment with me to discuss your unique situation and goals and what you can start doing right away to achieve them.

Click here to schedule now.

I’m here for you. I’m on your side. 🙂

To Love!

Schedule 30 Minutes Now

Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

How Instinct Breeds Conflict

Did you know that most of our life is run on our default instinctual responses to the world? We like to think that we’ve evolved beyond our instincts, that were not like other animals, but that’s just not true.

Masculine Single Focus

When we respond to our world without thinking about what we’re doing, it’s either an ingrained response, or instinct running the show. What this means for your relationship is that quite often, in fact most of the time, we are operating from our instinctual mode.

And the instinctual mode of males and females of any species are different. Did you ever watch Wild Kingdom? Our instinct is hard-wired into us. And whether we want to believe it or not, our hard-wiring plays a role.

When my husband is watching football, which he loves, or doing any project for that matter, he’s in single-focused mode. A man in single-focus mode will not always respond with kindness if you interrupt him. And that’s putting it mildly. So what do you do if you want to connect with your partner? You have a quick question, or something really important to you? You either interrupt, and end up in a fight, or you ignore him because you feel like he doesn’t respect or care about you, and your feelings are hurt.

And then when the game’s over, or he is finished with whatever he was doing, he comes over to talk to you and you’re crabby. You give him the cold shoulder, because of “the fact” that he’s ignored you. You wonder why he could think that he could just come over as if nothing had happened. You might even tell him your feelings are hurt, but then he sulks and backs away. The beginning of another disconnected evening.

Did you know that about 80 to 90% of relationship problems can be solved by understanding the instinctual differences between men and women? Men and women are so different that we be better off if we actually spoke different languages, because then we wouldn’t think we were communicating. The way we operate in the world is different.

This applies to how we raise our children, what makes us feel safe, how often we have sex, and how we spend our money. Really, there are more ways that we’re out of sync, than in sync.

For me, knowing this, helps me from getting upset when Art’s in single-focus mode. It allows me to choose my response, because I know that he is not ignoring me. So while I may have a momentary upset, I can regroup, and choose what I want to focus on, which is his single-focused attention on me, when he’s done with the game.

That’s why understanding instinctual differences helps you navigate them, so that you can consciously rise above and co-create the relationship that you truly want.

This week, ask yourself when you’re upset with your partner’s behavior, “could this be instinct?” Instead of getting upset, choose to be curious. Allow your partner the space to be single-focused and watch what happens next!

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist
If you want to learn more about the instinctual differences between men and women and how to avoid letting them run your relationship amok, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo who are committed to creating Conscious Partnership.
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

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When it’s not a Commitment Issue

Commitment might not be the problemIf you’ve ever ended a relationship thinking men are flakes – or that you just can’t please her no matter what you try – I’ve got some great news for you:

It’s not what you think! Believe it or not, men truly yearn to commit, and women love to be happy!

We think words like Commitment mean the same to everyone. Not only is that not true, not understanding how commitment works for the masculine and feminine modes, creates huge problems in relationships.

Remember that Men and Women both have masculine and feminine modes within them. Each person will bring their dominant modes into their relationship and each mode has a different relationship to commitment.

For the masculine mode, it’s about being all in, and once the switch in his heart has been turned, he’s in for life.

For the feminine mode, it’s about committing based on context. If the context changes, the commitment changes.

Can you see how this might be a problem?

Here’s a startling statistic: TWO THIRDS of divorces are initiated by women. Crazy, right! Men are usually seen as the non-committal ones… This might shock you, but generally that’s not true.

Here’s a scenario.

Man and woman meet. They are crazy hot for each other. It’s “love at first sight.” They are sure they’ve met “the one” so they dive into a relationship. They have an attraction of a level 10. (I’ll be talking about that next week).

The problem is that because it feels so good and they have so much passion, they tend to make the assumption that they are on the same page about their relationship goals.

They’ve missed the step in dating about getting really clear about what each other’s requirements are in order to be happy when tying themselves to the other person.

Unfortunately, it’s typical for women to not express themselves clearly about what they need, especially when the attraction level is high. They make assumptions that their partner will figure out what they need based on hints and suggestions.

And if a woman’s too direct, she feels awkward, so it’s often the awkwardness that turns a man off.

So you have lack of clarity and misunderstandings and, quite often, there were things she needed in the beginning of the relationship that she didn’t express in a way that her man could get it right from the start.

She assumed that he got her hints, and expected her partner to change, and when he doesn’t, she finally leaves.

The sad thing is that men want to make us happy, and because we don’t give them quality information about what we need until we’re upset without it, they don’t see how they can win with us by committing.

What this means is that women need to be more clear about their needs. Sure some men will walk away, but the right one will stay, because when your man knows how he can make you happy (happiness is your job ladies), he’ll want to commit, and he’ll commit for life.

If you want to learn more about what you can do to get on the same page with your partner, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo who are committed to creating Conscious Partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

 

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Focus on What’s Working

I worked with a couple, Julie and Tom, who came to see me shortly after they got married. They’d called each other “soul mates.” However, once they tied the knot, Julie started pointing out problems, trying to get Tom to fit into the image she wanted her marriage to be like.

Save Your Relationship

In her attempt to nip the problems in the bud, she initiated conversations with Tom. She told him about the sadness and worry she was feeling.

She expressed her disappointment and frustration with the way things were going between them, and she tried to tell him what was important to her.

When she did this, he lashed out in anger at her and backed away. The “conversations” seemed to Tom like long, drawn out criticisms of how he was failing. He started saying, “I just can’t seem to make you happy.”

Guys will back out when they can’t make you happy.

They turn off. They see your happiness as vitally important and your unhappiness as a sign of their failure. It’s evidence to them that they can’t fix it. And over time, they shut down, spiraling into inertia.

Men don’t try, they only do. Can you see how that’s a set up for relationship failure?

The more Tom backed away, the more fear Julie had about their future, the more angry she became and the more she tried to get him to understand what needed to be “fixed.” It was a downward spiral.

The problem is that our brains are wired to look for danger and things we don’t like, and to call up past memories, so we don’t make the same mistakes again. It’s an attempt to avert disaster. It’s our survival instinct.

In order to make changes that will get you what you want, you must retrain your mind to see something other than what you’re wired to look for.

Julie and Tom had forgotten to high-light what was working in their relationship and express appreciation and gratitude for each other.

They were letting fear get in the way of their love for each other.

Love survives the inevitable ups and downs in relationships when we are conscious about where we put our attention and focus, and choose instead to express what we appreciate about our partner regularly to them.

Julie started coaching with me first, and what I worked on with her was to bring her focus back to the present moment and to turn her attention on what she liked, appreciated and valued – to remember why she had married Tom.

It was hard to do when we started working together because there was so much tension between them, but she was committed and persevered.

I had her call her energy back into this present moment by catching herself when she started worrying. She was re-training her mind to look for the things that she liked, appreciated, and were working, and then express them and only them to Tom.

Tom had to get himself into the present moment too. He’d been reacting with anger to Julie because of a memory of his previous long-term relationship that had ended badly. He’d seen himself as a failure. My work with Tom was to heal the memory of his past relationship, so that he wasn’t projecting worry onto his marriage with Julie.

By being in the present moment and focusing their attention and energy on what was working, they’ve been able to remember why they got married and co-create the future they truly want together.

Through our work together, they began expressing gratitude and appreciation for each other daily and enhanced the love they have for each other.

If you’re experiencing similar challenges in your relationship and wondering what you can do to turn things around, schedule a 30-minute appointment with me to discuss your unique situation and goals and what you can start doing right away to achieve them.

Click here to schedule now.

I’m here for you. I’m on your side. 🙂

To Love!

Schedule 30 Minutes Now

Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

How to Manage High Chemistry in your Relationship

When you have high chemistry, you’ll likely have problems having conversations about what’s important to you, and you’ll likely begin to experience anxiety and frustration.

Manage Your High Chemistry Relationship

Why? Because the chemicals that create the chemistry have nothing to do with helping you have a great relationship. Remember, they are all about making great babies.

With high physical chemistry, it’s like you have blinders on that keep you from noticing the things that don’t fit into the requirements you have for a great relationship. It’s harder to express what you need to that person, because you adapt to fit their world-view instead of being true to yourself.

So, what can you do to manage an existing high chemistry relationship?

You MUST turn inward and explore what you require, need and want in order to be happy in the relationship. You MUST take the time to create a safe space between you to explore what you both need in order to be happy. You must clearly establish whether or not you are each willing and able to provide for one another’s relationship requirements. This can be a great time to work with a coach to help you make great deals that support the vision of your future together.

If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to creating lifelong partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

How to Overcome Waning Chemistry

Waning Chemistry happens when you start with a high chemistry and dive in without making deals about what is important to you.

How to Overcome Waning ChemistryOver time, each person gets hurt and these hurts build up. It causes us to withhold affection, sex and attention.

Withholding affection, sex and attention will be the DEATH of your relationship.

To overcome Waning Chemistry, you need to start by expressing your past hurts and allowing them to be healed. It’s not easy, and it takes a firm willingness to heal. Get the support of a coach who is able to hold a non-judgmental place for you both and guide you in the healing process.

When past hurts are healed, it will bring you up to the present moment. This will create an openness between you to explore each of your requirements, needs and wants together.

You’ll notice intimacy growing again, and with it, the space to appreciate what each of you bring to the relationship. This appreciation will help your relationship thrive and with that, you’ll feel happier, more resilient, and more satisfied.

If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to turning things around.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Getting to a Place of Choice in your relationship

On a scale of 1-10, how successful are your relationship instincts? Do they serve you well? Or run you ragged?

Exchanging Instinct for Choice

Have you ever stayed in an an unhealthy relationship because it felt safer? Had sex before you were ready? Stuck around because the kids come first? Forgotten what you need to be happy in your relationship?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you’ve experienced how easily instinct can sabotage your attempts to have a great relationship. But what is instinct and why does it work so diligently at your expense?

Instinct is your unconscious bio-chemical response mechanism tasked to secure survival.

That’s it. It’s the non-negotiable hard-wiring that motivates our behaviors and responses at every turn, guiding us to seek food and shelter, safety, companionship, and the means to pro-create.

Instinct will have men provide and protect and women support and adapt, without regards to compatibility, mutual benefit, securing joy and harmony, or getting your “fulfill me” needs met.

At its worst, instinct overshadows what Spirit has to offer because the majority of instinct assumes the perspectives of others (erroneously most times) and comes from a place of fear: Fear of loneliness; Fear of failure; Fear of losing the support of our family and friends.

Spirit is the place of Choice and Enhancement.

It’s about consciously choosing a partner and consciously creating the experience of joy, partnership, intimacy and integrity instead of letting Instinct guide you unchecked.

Spirit is what allows us the capacity to re-train our Instincts!

Re-training your Instincts requires working to understand them first. Working to figure out the positive intention underlying the “need” they are trying to fulfill.

Clearing out past hurts.

Committing to find clarity for yourself about what you want your relationship to look like in concrete terms.

Co-creating Conscious Partnership then becomes about representing clearly who you are, what you want and need, and what you’re able to provide for your partner.

Understanding the difference between Being In Instinct or Being At Choice with your partner is the cornerstone of ALL joyous and love-lived relationships because when you are At Choice, you can freely create deeper, more satisfying, and longer-lasting connections with your partner!

Sounds yummy, huh?

If you or someone you know has been experiencing challenges getting to the place of Choice in dating or relating, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to move beyond Instinct to the place of actively creating Conscious Partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist