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My Wife Complains ALL The Time

Ask Kimi: My wife complains all the time.
My wife complains all the time!

 

 

 

 

 

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“Dear Kimi,

My wife complains all the time about EVERYTHING I do. It’s like I can never do anything right. It was never like this when we were dating. I don’t know what happened.

When we got married I signed up for life.

I have no idea how to make her happy.

I don’t know what to do. Help!

Thanks,

Frustrated.”

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Dear Frustrated,

I hear you! Complaining to a woman means that she’s trying to get something she needs through to you.

I understand how frustrating it can be when she’s complaining, and doesn’t seem to be giving you any clue about what she actually wants you to do.

Sadly, you’re just not getting it because she’s giving you hints, or she’s explaining why she’s upset instead of telling what she needs.

There are a few problems going on:

  1.  Women tend to not know what they need until they are upset without it.
  2. They tend to give hints and then escalate to anger without an in between stage.
  3. Women change when someone complains to them, so they complain to you, thinking it will make you change.
  4. Bottom line: She’s trying to give you the message about what she needs, but she’s delivering it in a way that you can’t receive it, and all you hear is the storm of anger.

Here’s what you can do TO BE HER HERO!!! (Don’t be afraid – this really will work):

LET HER KNOW YOU CARE

  1. Say, “Woah! I see that you’re upset and I want to help.” 
  2. Let her know that you can tell that there is something she needs that’s important to her because she’s upset.
  3. Ask her to sit with you because you want to understand.
  4. Tell her that what she needs is truly important to you because you want her to be happy.

SETTING THE STAGE

  1. When you sit down with her, set you both up to win:
    1. Ask her to take a moment and think about what she needs and is upsetting her.
    2. Let her know that you’re not a mind reader and really do want to understand, and to please be patient with you.
    3. Ask her to help you get clarity by telling you what she needs instead of why she’s upset.
  2. When she starts talking, imagine you’re holding a bucket that she’s purging into and don’t interrupt. (This is important because by the time a woman’s upset, there’s usually a lot of build up of emotions and tension, that you don’t have to dive in and fix. Unless you let her express it, it will keep coming back to bite you.)
  3. When she’s finished purging, ask her to do her best to bullet point her request so that you can understand it. 

PROBLEM SOLVING

  1. Tell her you’re going to repeat her request back to her, and to make sure you understand it.
    1. If you do, great!
    2. If you don’t have her clarify.
  2. Repeat until clarity and agreement on the need is achieved.
  3. IT IS NOW TIME FOR PROBLEM SOLVING:
    1. If you can provide what she needs, do it.
    2. If you can’t provide that particular need, it behooves you and your partnership, to help her to figure out how she can get that need met. (A need is not to be confused with a REQUIREMENT that MUST be there or you or she will NEVER be happy in your partnership. Children/no children, or monogamy/polyamory, or lifestyle, or location. These are Deal Breakers.)

AREAS THAT MIGHT NEED THIS TYPE OF CONVERSATION: Cleaning the house; a certain sports activity; date nights; driving kids around; time with extended family; going on vacation; emotional support

I’ve got your back! You can do it!

With Love,

Kimi

NOTE: THIS CONVERSATION CAN GO BOTH WAYS! I address this topic in the Platinum Rule of the Relationship Navigation System. 

Please Share and Post a Comment Below

PS

Got a great question for me???? Submit it  here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/my-ask-kimi-question

Being Authentic When Dating

 

 

 

 

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“Hi Kimi,

I am having some issues come up that I could love your input on. I’ll try to be to the point…

I’m seeing a new guy, Dean, who is much more “relationship material,” however our chemistry is only between 5-7. which is good because intellectually and otherwise I am intrigued and want to give it a chance.

However, I find myself thinking about sex with some of the guys I was sleeping with recently. I’ve reached out to some of them, and have another potential lover who is strictly sexual no questions asked. I know I’ve said that I’m monogamous etc., but now I’m wondering if that is actually true.

What I would LOVE is to keep sleeping with some of these guys and keep getting to know Dean but not sleep with him until I’m sure I want to have a relationship with him. Does that sound crazy? Also, I know he’s gonna want to know about my life so how would I go about telling him I have lovers without discouraging him into thinking that I’m not serious about having a serious relationship (one day)?

Your thoughts?

Thanks!
Am I Crazy”

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Dear Am I Crazy,

Great questions!

First off, congratulations on exploring your true desires. Sometimes it takes situations like this to help the needed exploration to come to the surface. Like the question of monogamy or polyamory.

There are many reasons for confusion regarding monogamy and polyamory. Here are two:

Sometimes we’re programmed by our culture to believe we “should” be monogamous. That doesn’t make it right or wrong.

Sometimes people opt for polyamory because it keeps them from getting too close to one person and, in their minds, keeps them safe.

What’s important here is to explore what’s true for you and then learn how and when to let a prospective partner know.

Secondly, let’s talk about Velcro Girl. Velcro Girl is the tendency to immediately feel the need to disclose that you’re dating or being intimate with other people, or feel the need to shut off other relationships when you first meet someone you’re interested in. In your case men who you have sex with.

This tendency gets women into trouble because it’s like she’s betting all of her money on one horse at the race track. Until you get to know someone, focusing all of your attention on that person can lead to heartbreak.

Thirdly, Remember The REAL Truth About Successful Communication Between Men and Women? Men are natural Concealers, and women natural Revealers. Women tend to be more transparent, believing that “to know me, is to love me.” Men tend to naturally keep their cards to their chest.

A woman often feels that she “should” disclose everything right away, because it will make him fall in love. A man tends to be surprised when a woman discloses so much right away, because he wouldn’t.

Fourthly, you get to be the chooser. The sooner you express what you desire in a long term relationship, the more likely you are to get it.

The Bottom Line is that telling your date what you desire in the future is not the same thing as disclosing who you’re dating and being intimate with.

Letting your date know what you desire let’s him choose if he fits into that scenario.

Letting your date know that you’re being intimate with another man or other men, is putting the cart before the horse.

Exclusivity doesn’t and shouldn’t happen immediately.

Since you’ve just met Dean, there is no reason to disclose that you have other lovers, and there’s every reason to share what you desire in the future.

With love,
Kimi

PS Please share and comment below.

Got a great question for me???? Submit it here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/my-ask-kimi-question

Love and Money Live Event

Love and Money
I’m excited to have an opportunity to speak at Katrina Sawa’s Love and Money Live Event in Sacramento November 3rd – 5th.

At the event, I will be speaking on the roles of men and women in relationships. I will talk about how to rekindle your relationships create a conscious partnership.

Love & Money LIVE is the PERFECT event for you to attend right now if you’re…

  • Not exactly where you want to be in your life or business
  • Not earning as much money as you thought you would be by now
  • Working much harder than you have to or want to
  • Maybe not even totally happy personally in one way or another – maybe your significant other isn’t as supportive as you’d like about you doing your own business, maybe your friends or family keep asking you why you keep spinning your wheels or maybe you’re lacking confidence in yourself to some extent and find it hard to keep up the faith every day
  • Tired, burned out or even down right frustrated or discouraged about what’s in store for you in the next couple years.

Featured Speakers Include:

  • Katrina Sawa, Author of Love yourself Successful
  • Kimi Avary, Relationship Navigation Specialist
  • Mia Saenz, Love Alchemist
  • Dr. Minette Riordan
, Best-selling author of The Artful Marketer: The Fundamental Business Guide for Creative Entrepreneurs
  • Maryann Ehmann, Dream Activator, Breakthrough Specialist, Business Strategist, Speaker, Author
    • love and money live event invitation

      Kimi Avary
      Relationship Navigation Specialist

Women of Influence Small Business Conference October 25-27 2016

flyer-womenofinfluencesmallbusinessconference1

80-90% of relationship problems, personally and professionally, are solvable when you learn the skills to successfully navigate the masculine and feminine dynamics in all your relationships! 

This coming week an extraordinary event, The Women of Influence Small Business Conference is happening in San Francisco at Fort Mason. I will be joining top speakers from around the country who are flying in to create a powerful 3 day education and networking event.

I will be speaking about the well received corporate program I launched last April for the women engineers at Shell Oil Corporation. 

“Men and women are so different that they’d be better off if they actually spoke different languages, because then they wouldn’t think they were communicating.” ~ Kimi Avary 

Super Genius Teams: How men and women can communicate, collaborate, and create successful teams and increase the bottom line.

You’ll learn:

  • How our own perspectives can keep us from effectively communicating with the opposites sex.
  • The #1 Assumption you must have in your tool kit.
  • The Key to Overcoming the Dirty Little Secret that keeps you from great collaborations.
  • How to master A GREAT ASK!

Get your tickets here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/women-of-influence-small-business-conference-tickets-25945578925

The other speakers and topics:

Tony Wilkins – Influential Networking and Selling talk

Tina Greenbaum – Mastery Under Pressure: Journey Into the Minds of Champions

Hillary Wicht: Women in Business: Having a Voice at the Table

Jackie Lapin: How to Find Speaking Engagements You Can Monetize For Business Growth

Shannon Presson: How to Untangle What’s REALLY Holding You Back

Cheryl Ginnings: How in the World Can I Reach Them?

Jill Lublin: Get Known Everywhere

Caterina Rando: Hosting Workshops to Gain Insta-clients Over and Over

Minette Riordan: What Successful Women Entrepreneurs Know that You Don’t

Kiran Patel: From Mechanics to Magic: How to Energize Your Message and Magnetize Clients

Julia Beauchamp: Speak to Inspire: How to Find Your Authentic Voice, Stand in Your Value and Change the World with Your Message

Debra Dupree: The Risky Business and Emotional Potential of Bad Bossing

Dr. Michelle Peticolas: Grief as a Gateway to Purpose and Prosperity

Meryl Shaw: How to Shine when Presenting in High-Stakes Situations: Tips from Behind the Professional Theater Curtain

Tony Wilkins: Making Money as a Speaker

Susan Sheppard: How to find Love with CLASS

Sue Brooke: Inventive Marketing: The Secret to Making Your Business Stand Out… (pssst! IT’s all About YOU!!!)

Shira Bush: Write, Publish, and Monetize Your Book

Do you ever feel like you’re hitting a brick wall talking to your partner?

Prevent miscommunication

If you’re like most men and women, this happens quite often. From a woman wanting to talk about her feelings and never getting to the point, to a man speaking in bullet points when she wants details.

The truth is that men and women are so different that we’d be better off if we ACTUALLY spoke different languages, because then, they wouldn’t think they were communicating.

We miscommunicate about: money, planning, children, who’s in charge of what, our needs, what’s important to us, how we like attention and affection. And that’s if you already are in a relationship.

The dating world is especially challenging. If you’re trying to connect with someone new and don’t know how because you don’t understand how men and women communicate differently, you’ll be in trouble, and probably spend a lot of time being single.

The world has changed, but our instinctual differences in how we communicate have not. To get to Partnership, you have to understand the differences between the masculine and feminine ways of communicating.

Did you know women tend to use about 25,000 words a day while men average 5,000? And as my father says, “Yeah, and that’s all you need!” I’d bet that most men experience the deluge of words a woman speaks as way too much.

Women (the feminine mode) tend to go on and on and on because the details help them to figure out how they can support the people in their lives. Men (the masculine mode) typically don’t care about the details because he just needs to know what needs to be provided.

Picture this scenario: A man and woman are talking. She’s asking questions to get to know him. He’s answering in one word answers. She’s feeling like he doesn’t want to connect and he feels like he’s being interrogated.

This does not bode well for connecting, now does it?

This week I want you to think of yourself as an explorer in another country learning to communicate with the natives (opposite sex). Be curious. Be open. Ask questions about how the person experiences life and their views of the world. Practice listening!

Do this even if you’ve been married for 75 years!

 

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