Category: Fundamentals of Conscious Partnership

This category covers what you need to create a strong foundation for lifelong love and connection in your relationship, including the Keys to Successful Communication, Being at Choice, Energy and the Law of Attraction, the 25% Rule of Relationships, and Getting Clear with Yourself about your Requirements, Needs and Wants.

How Instinct Breeds Conflict

Did you know that most of our life is run on our default instinctual responses to the world? We like to think that we’ve evolved beyond our instincts, that were not like other animals, but that’s just not true.

Masculine Single Focus

When we respond to our world without thinking about what we’re doing, it’s either an ingrained response, or instinct running the show. What this means for your relationship is that quite often, in fact most of the time, we are operating from our instinctual mode.

And the instinctual mode of males and females of any species are different. Did you ever watch Wild Kingdom? Our instinct is hard-wired into us. And whether we want to believe it or not, our hard-wiring plays a role.

When my husband is watching football, which he loves, or doing any project for that matter, he’s in single-focused mode. A man in single-focus mode will not always respond with kindness if you interrupt him. And that’s putting it mildly. So what do you do if you want to connect with your partner? You have a quick question, or something really important to you? You either interrupt, and end up in a fight, or you ignore him because you feel like he doesn’t respect or care about you, and your feelings are hurt.

And then when the game’s over, or he is finished with whatever he was doing, he comes over to talk to you and you’re crabby. You give him the cold shoulder, because of “the fact” that he’s ignored you. You wonder why he could think that he could just come over as if nothing had happened. You might even tell him your feelings are hurt, but then he sulks and backs away. The beginning of another disconnected evening.

Did you know that about 80 to 90% of relationship problems can be solved by understanding the instinctual differences between men and women? Men and women are so different that we be better off if we actually spoke different languages, because then we wouldn’t think we were communicating. The way we operate in the world is different.

This applies to how we raise our children, what makes us feel safe, how often we have sex, and how we spend our money. Really, there are more ways that we’re out of sync, than in sync.

For me, knowing this, helps me from getting upset when Art’s in single-focus mode. It allows me to choose my response, because I know that he is not ignoring me. So while I may have a momentary upset, I can regroup, and choose what I want to focus on, which is his single-focused attention on me, when he’s done with the game.

That’s why understanding instinctual differences helps you navigate them, so that you can consciously rise above and co-create the relationship that you truly want.

This week, ask yourself when you’re upset with your partner’s behavior, “could this be instinct?” Instead of getting upset, choose to be curious. Allow your partner the space to be single-focused and watch what happens next!

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist
If you want to learn more about the instinctual differences between men and women and how to avoid letting them run your relationship amok, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo who are committed to creating Conscious Partnership.
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

FB Like Graphic Thumb&Heart
~ IF YOU LIKE THIS POST, TAKE A MINUTE TO LIKE OUR PAGE ON FACEBOOK AT http://www.facebook.com/ConsciousCouplesNetwork! ~

Getting to a Place of Choice in your relationship

On a scale of 1-10, how successful are your relationship instincts? Do they serve you well? Or run you ragged?

Exchanging Instinct for Choice

Have you ever stayed in an an unhealthy relationship because it felt safer? Had sex before you were ready? Stuck around because the kids come first? Forgotten what you need to be happy in your relationship?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you’ve experienced how easily instinct can sabotage your attempts to have a great relationship. But what is instinct and why does it work so diligently at your expense?

Instinct is your unconscious bio-chemical response mechanism tasked to secure survival.

That’s it. It’s the non-negotiable hard-wiring that motivates our behaviors and responses at every turn, guiding us to seek food and shelter, safety, companionship, and the means to pro-create.

Instinct will have men provide and protect and women support and adapt, without regards to compatibility, mutual benefit, securing joy and harmony, or getting your “fulfill me” needs met.

At its worst, instinct overshadows what Spirit has to offer because the majority of instinct assumes the perspectives of others (erroneously most times) and comes from a place of fear: Fear of loneliness; Fear of failure; Fear of losing the support of our family and friends.

Spirit is the place of Choice and Enhancement.

It’s about consciously choosing a partner and consciously creating the experience of joy, partnership, intimacy and integrity instead of letting Instinct guide you unchecked.

Spirit is what allows us the capacity to re-train our Instincts!

Re-training your Instincts requires working to understand them first. Working to figure out the positive intention underlying the “need” they are trying to fulfill.

Clearing out past hurts.

Committing to find clarity for yourself about what you want your relationship to look like in concrete terms.

Co-creating Conscious Partnership then becomes about representing clearly who you are, what you want and need, and what you’re able to provide for your partner.

Understanding the difference between Being In Instinct or Being At Choice with your partner is the cornerstone of ALL joyous and love-lived relationships because when you are At Choice, you can freely create deeper, more satisfying, and longer-lasting connections with your partner!

Sounds yummy, huh?

If you or someone you know has been experiencing challenges getting to the place of Choice in dating or relating, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to move beyond Instinct to the place of actively creating Conscious Partnership.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Leveraging the Law of Attraction to Create your Ideal Partnership

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, wave a magic wand, stop time, and just take a minute to imagine your Perfect Lover and your Perfect Love!
Create a GREAT Relationship

Fantasize if you have too!

Right now.

Imagine your Perfect Lover and your Perfect Love and tell me:

What does it look like? How does your partner feel to you? What’s your favorite thing to share? What would you give to make this moment last forever?!

Meditate for a moment.

Take a deep breath and feel it.

Take another deep breath and feel it wash through your body and take your breath away…

Pretty luscious, huh? When you allow yourself to FEEL LOVE VIBRATE through your every cell and very being?

At the beginning of a relationship, this is what Love feels like.

Everything is fresh and fun. Each partner notices all of the good things. They’re looking hopefully into the future and feeling relationship BLISS.

They spend their attention and energy on what they hope will happen and overlook the little quirks and mismatches and become “invested” in their future together.

For my part? I would give anything to make this moment last forever…

But eventually this focus shifts and “reality” sets it.

Assumptions and unexpressed wants and needs accumulate, and the little challenges build up and become boulders.

Feelings get hurt, and hurts grow into glaring wounds until many couples find themselves in crisis.

What’s happening here is that the ATTENTION OF EACH PERSON IS TURNING AWAY FROM WHAT’S WORKING.

They begin knit-picking one another literally (in word).

Or figuratively (in behavior).

Maybe even both!

BUT IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY, and here’s why:

We typically think of energy as how much gas we have in the tank.

This is true. But on a deeper level, energy is something that creates our reality.

WHAT WE FOCUS OUR ATTENTION ON ATTRACTS MORE OF THE SAME.

Instead of focusing on what’s missing in your relationship – on what’s not working – try focusing on what you like, appreciate and value about your partner.

MEDITATE ON WHAT YOU LIKE DAILY!

Tell your partner what you like, appreciate and value about them daily.

Your partner will respond!

From wherever you begin.

Starting today.

Seriously! 🙂

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

 

P.S. If you’re frustrated and struggling with the heartbreak of relationship problems, maybe you just need a fresh perspective to get back to the place of Hope and Love! 

Schedule a Relationship Breakthrough Session and Find out How You Can Create the Foundation for
Lifelong Love and Companionship!

Have you ever felt snubbed by your partner’s advice?

Did you know that one of the biggest ways to get yourself into relationship trouble is to expect that you and your partner are the same?

Differences between Men and Women

For the last 40 or so years, as women have forged the right to work equally among men in the world, we’ve been trying to see each other as the same.

Having equality is essential, but “equality” is not the same as “sameness,” and this confusion does damage to how we relate to each other, especially in the relationship realm.

The truth is that biologically, we’re not the same. Men and women are hardwired differently. We have different motives and behaviors based on the way masculine and feminine modes of being play out in our life roles and interactions with one another.

Generally speaking, the Masculine Mode is single focused, time bound, and about producing for and protecting the people in their commitment circle.

Feminine Mode, on the other hand, focuses on many things simultaneously, is eternal, and works to support, nurture and enhance the lives of the people around her.

While both offer great contributions to each other, they misread each other most of the time and give advice based on their own perspective. This leads to frustration in relationships when the Masculine doesn’t do things the way the Feminine would do them, and vice versa.

It gets even worse when we are unable to see where our partner is coming from and make them wrong for being the way they are, then we get angry because they can’t be who we want them to be when we’re just trying to help.

Have you ever experienced that? I have.

I was working with a couple recently, and they weren’t seeing eye to eye about work. She is working on a huge time consuming project that she loves, is taking care of her aging mother, and works as a life coach. She spends a lot of time doing all kinds of things that she loves while her sweetheart has a job that he doesn’t particularly like.

He looks at her and sees her doing multiple things and wants to take care of her and help her to focus on one thing. So, he was saying things like, “Stop doing that,” or “Just focus on your project.” But to her, just focusing on her project would be like death. She cares for her mother, she loves her coaching AND she loves the project she’s working on.

She looks at him and sees him in a job that he hates. She hears him express his unhappiness about what he’s doing. She cares about him so she gives him the advice to do something that he loves, because that’s what she, as a woman, would put her attention on. It’s all about life enhancement for women. So she encourages him to do something that will enhance his life. However, her input gets brushed aside because what he’s doing provides for himself and his son. He can’t see himself leaving his job until his 15 year old son is grown.

On the surface it looked like they’re helping each other. But because they didn’t understand how the other one operated in the world, they were unintentionally hurting each other. If this type of conversation gets a foothold in your relationship, it can mean breakup or years of frustration.

When we worked together, he began to understand that his sweetheart loved what she was doing, and the best way to support her was to make sure she was getting some quality down time to nurture herself so she could do what she loved. She got that the best way to support him was to plant seeds for him that would help him leave his job and move onto something more fulfilling when his son was 18.

Understanding how your partner operates in the world not only averts relationship disaster, it creates the foundation for a life of relationship bliss.

If you want to learn more about the instinctual differences between men and women and how to avoid letting them run your relationship amok, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo who are committed to creating Conscious Partnership.
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

FB Like Graphic Thumb&Heart
~ IF YOU LIKE THIS POST, TAKE A MINUTE TO LIKE OUR PAGE ON FACEBOOK AT http://www.facebook.com/ConsciousCouplesNetwork! ~

How to Create a GREAT Relationship Plan

Whether you’re married, in a long-term partnership, or you’ve been dating for a while, and consider yourselves a couple, creating (and annually updating) your “Relationship Plan” is an essential exercise.

Relationship Planning made simple

Taking the time to think about and discuss what you want your life together to look like now – for the next 12 months – will keep you on the same page as a couple, and help the universe kick in its part to ensure you get FANTASTIC results..

The key to writing a GREAT Relationship Plan is to commit to answering questions and writing your answers out on paper. Do not underestimate the power of writing!

It doesn’t have to be pretty – it just has to be meaningful enough for you that you can share your results with your partner.

1. Take an inventory of your year by jotting down answers to these questions:

  • What are you proud of in your interactions with your partner; with others?
  • What didn’t you like about your interactions with your partner; with others?
  • How well did you express your love?
  • How were you at receiving love in your life?
  • How often did you smile or laugh?
  • How much time did you spend doing things that didn’t feel good?
  • How much pleasure were you able to receive?
  • How did you take care of yourself?
  • Did you say “Yes” to the things you wanted to do?
  • Did you say “No” to the things you didn’t want to do?
  • Did you make time to be with the people you care about?
  • How much time did you spend feeling overcommitted?
  • Did you put quality attention on your relationship?
  • How open were you to experiencing connection with others?
  • What can you release from this past year?
  • What did you learn about yourself?

2. Vision what you want to create by answering these questions:

  • What is most important to you this coming year?
  • What do you want to accomplish?
  • What will you do that inspires you?
  • What do you want more of this coming year?
  • How do you plan to take care yourself?
  • How do you plan to be with your partner?
  • How much time and attention are you willing to put into your relationship this year?
  • How do you want your loved ones to feel around you?
  • How do you plan to be with others?
  • What do you want to learn more of?

3.  Imagine that it’s exactly 1 year from now and write (up to 3 pages – if it’s too long, you’ll never look at it) about everything you’re celebrating from the year as if it’s over. What did you see, feel, hear and experience over the year that made it fantastic?

4. SHARE what you’ve written with your partner. Notice where you’re in alignment and where you’re different. Your plans don’t have to be the same, but they do have to line up so that the shared “WE” space is taking up at least 25% of your life.

(Successful Relationships always require a WE plus two individuals. If you’re not putting enough attention into your relationship (less than 25%), your relationship will wither; if you’re putting too much of your attention into it (more than 25%), it will feel smothering and other parts of your life will suffer. Finding the right balance for you both is important.)

5. Together, create a list of activities that you are committed to doing as a couple to fortify your relationship and build a solid WE. Then hang them in a place where you both can see them daily, as a reminder when you are busy with life.

The more you’re in action, in focus, and attentive to your relationship, the greater chance you have of experiencing the relationship you truly want.

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you or someone you know has been experiencing challenges  in dating or relating, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to create Joyous  Partnership!

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

Get your REAL Happily Ever After

Have you ever had the experience of arguing with your partner about something important to you? Has your partner ever done something that brought up anger about something that happened long ago?

Creating your REAL Happily Ever After

Or maybe you’re worried that that same horrible thing will happen again?

Have you ever had a relationship end because you’d reached an impasse and couldn’t figure out how to get around it?

I see it all the time in my coaching practice working with couples. When the relationship starts each partner is noticing the good things and they’re looking hopefully into the future. Their attention and energy is going toward what they hope will happen. They’ve been successful at putting things that don’t match what they want, bothersome or upsetting things, far enough out of sight that they’ve managed to say, “I do.”

Unfortunately, the second the vows are said, their focus turns toward all of the things that get in the way of the “happily ever after” that each had assumed would just happen.

The “reality” sets in.

Assumptions, and unexpressed wants and needs build up. Little challenges build up over time and become boulders. Feelings get hurt. The laundry left outside the hamper moves from being an irritation to being a sign that our partner doesn’t care about us, or even love us.

Hurts grow into glaring wounds.

What’s happening is that the attention of each person is turning away from what’s working toward what is not fitting into the picture of “happily ever after.”

The problem is that our brains are wired to look for danger and things we don’t like, and to call up past memories, so we don’t make the same mistakes again. It’s an attempt to avert disaster.

It’s our survival instinct.

In order to make changes that will get you what you want, you must retrain your mind to see something other than what you’re wired to look for.

Love survives the inevitable ups and downs in relationships when we are conscious about where we put our attention and focus, and choose to express what we appreciate about our partner to them regularly instead of allowing ourselves to slip into instinct and criticize our partner for “what’s wrong.”

If you’re experiencing challenges in your relationship, maybe it’s time for a reboot? Request a Relationship Breakthrough Session for you and your partner to learn more.
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
I’m here to help!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist