Category: Building Rapport, Connection and Intimacy

This category covers how to build and maintain connection, rapport, trust and intimacy with your partner, including topics such as The Sex Deal, the 5 A’s for Relationship Success and tips for how you can start creating an upward spiral in your relationship.

My Wife Complains ALL The Time

Ask Kimi: My wife complains all the time.
My wife complains all the time!

 

 

 

 

 

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“Dear Kimi,

My wife complains all the time about EVERYTHING I do. It’s like I can never do anything right. It was never like this when we were dating. I don’t know what happened.

When we got married I signed up for life.

I have no idea how to make her happy.

I don’t know what to do. Help!

Thanks,

Frustrated.”

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Dear Frustrated,

I hear you! Complaining to a woman means that she’s trying to get something she needs through to you.

I understand how frustrating it can be when she’s complaining, and doesn’t seem to be giving you any clue about what she actually wants you to do.

Sadly, you’re just not getting it because she’s giving you hints, or she’s explaining why she’s upset instead of telling what she needs.

There are a few problems going on:

  1.  Women tend to not know what they need until they are upset without it.
  2. They tend to give hints and then escalate to anger without an in between stage.
  3. Women change when someone complains to them, so they complain to you, thinking it will make you change.
  4. Bottom line: She’s trying to give you the message about what she needs, but she’s delivering it in a way that you can’t receive it, and all you hear is the storm of anger.

Here’s what you can do TO BE HER HERO!!! (Don’t be afraid – this really will work):

LET HER KNOW YOU CARE

  1. Say, “Woah! I see that you’re upset and I want to help.” 
  2. Let her know that you can tell that there is something she needs that’s important to her because she’s upset.
  3. Ask her to sit with you because you want to understand.
  4. Tell her that what she needs is truly important to you because you want her to be happy.

SETTING THE STAGE

  1. When you sit down with her, set you both up to win:
    1. Ask her to take a moment and think about what she needs and is upsetting her.
    2. Let her know that you’re not a mind reader and really do want to understand, and to please be patient with you.
    3. Ask her to help you get clarity by telling you what she needs instead of why she’s upset.
  2. When she starts talking, imagine you’re holding a bucket that she’s purging into and don’t interrupt. (This is important because by the time a woman’s upset, there’s usually a lot of build up of emotions and tension, that you don’t have to dive in and fix. Unless you let her express it, it will keep coming back to bite you.)
  3. When she’s finished purging, ask her to do her best to bullet point her request so that you can understand it. 

PROBLEM SOLVING

  1. Tell her you’re going to repeat her request back to her, and to make sure you understand it.
    1. If you do, great!
    2. If you don’t have her clarify.
  2. Repeat until clarity and agreement on the need is achieved.
  3. IT IS NOW TIME FOR PROBLEM SOLVING:
    1. If you can provide what she needs, do it.
    2. If you can’t provide that particular need, it behooves you and your partnership, to help her to figure out how she can get that need met. (A need is not to be confused with a REQUIREMENT that MUST be there or you or she will NEVER be happy in your partnership. Children/no children, or monogamy/polyamory, or lifestyle, or location. These are Deal Breakers.)

AREAS THAT MIGHT NEED THIS TYPE OF CONVERSATION: Cleaning the house; a certain sports activity; date nights; driving kids around; time with extended family; going on vacation; emotional support

I’ve got your back! You can do it!

With Love,

Kimi

NOTE: THIS CONVERSATION CAN GO BOTH WAYS! I address this topic in the Platinum Rule of the Relationship Navigation System. 

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Women Need to FEEL ADORED! (tips for Men for Valentine’s Day +)

How to win with women
The dreaded day is here again. You’ve tried to make her happy all year, and you know that if you don’t get it right, she’ll be upset.

It’s infuriating, that you spend 364 days doing great things, and friggin’ Valentines Day, a made up holiday, is what you will be judged by!

The first problem is that there’s nothing in a woman’s nature to get her to be clear about what she needs until she’s upset without it.

The second problem is that she thinks you’re supposed to “know” what she wants because she’s hinted about it. She thinks you’re a mind-reader.

(This goes with Valentine’s Day and every other day of the year!)

So here’s what to do:

  1. If she hasn’t been clear about what would make her the happiest for Valentines’ Day, ask her. “Honey, what would make you the happiest for Valentine’s day?”
  2. If she answers, “surprise me.” Don’t fall for it! Say, “As much as I’d like to read your mind, I still haven’t figured out how, so would you think of 3 places you’d like to go, and/or 3 gifts you would enjoy and where to buy them, (photos help) and let me choose.”
  3. You can tell her your budget, be realistic, but not stingy. Remember this is supposed to feel good to both of you. If it breaks the bank and you feel resentful, that won’t work.
  4. Go with what she tells you she wants. It’s okay to embellish it. The more thought you put into it, the more she’ll appreciate it.
  5. It will go a long way, if you make a point to compliment her before you go out. Women need validation from their partner when they take the time to dress up for them. Of course, this is good every time you go out. 🙂 The result will be a happier woman and more fun because she’ll be more relaxed with you.
I know it’s a hurdle, but when done right, you’ll both feel GREAT and enjoy the time together.
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

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Men Need Ways to WIN! (tips for Women for Valentine’s Day +)

Setting Him Up to WINFebruary is supposedly the month of love, but unfortunately, for many couples it’s often a month of pressure and disappointment.

It’s the month of unclear expectations and trying to out do your last attempt at Valentines’ Day.

We are inundated by the media about what we’re supposed to do to celebrate: buy this diamond; go to this restaurant; surprise your partner with this or that gift.

The truth is that what you hear from someone other than your partner may or may not be what your love truly desires and you end up with disappointment.

Or maybe you get your hopes up but never let your partner know what you want Valentine’s Day to look like for you, and you end up getting an eyelash curler like I did one year.

He was confused because I was so disappointed. It was in this beautiful bag from a store filled with beautiful, sparkly makeup, and out of all that he’d chosen an eyelash curler!

Evidence that he didn’t know me or love me, I thought! And we broke up shortly thereafter.

Looking back, I know why he was confused. I had imagined what would make me happy, but I hadn’t let him know what I wanted, and when men are made to guess at what you want, they will opt for something they think you need. Can you see how this is a set up for failure?

If this sounds familiar. I want to give you some important tips to help your guy to win with you and make this month special instead of frustrating.

Make Sure Your Man Can Win With You!

  1. If you want a romantic dinner, think of a few places in different price ranges you’d like that would suit your fancy and be open to going on a different night if it’s totally booked on Valentines’ Day. Especially if either one of you is going to be tired from a long week. Find a time that you can have a romantic time without being exhausted.
  2. If you like gifts, think of 3 things that you’d be really happy receiving for Valentines’ Day in different price ranges. Let your partner know what they are. If you can take a photo, do it. This will take the guessing out of it and help him to win with you.
  3. Take care of yourself, like taking a bath, getting a massage, listening to your favorite music, and putting on something that makes you feel amazing, so that you’re in good shape to be happy and have a good time whatever he chooses from your options.
  4. Appreciate him for doing (or attempting to do) what you desire! Show him you’re happy! If he never sees himself winning with you, he’ll give up. This is CRITICAL!

Your man isn’t a mind reader. If you want something special, you’ve got to let him know. He spends all year trying to make you happy, and this one day is seen as the “end-all, be-all” to relationship success by women. It’s not. It’s just a day.

Giving your guy WAYS TO WIN will endear him to you.
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you like this article, Sign up to receive Building Treasured Relationships E-Zine by Email to learn more great tips for building a solid and satisfying Love Life with your partner.

 

 

Top 5 Tips for Nurturing Your Relationship in 2016

Instead of focusing on the problems in your relationship, make a commitment to build the loving and joyful partnership you want.
How to Nurture Your Love
You can start right now by focusing on what’s working in your relationship.

Try using the following Top 5 Tips for Nurturing Your Relationship in 2016!

  1. When your partner gets angry, instead of responding with anger, choose to see the anger as fear. Listen for the fear behind the words, and imagine him or her like a hurt little child who doesn’t know how to ask for comfort and reassurance. This will help you respond with love and compassion instead of reacting to the anger. By listening instead of engaging in an argument, you minimize the fallout from the anger. This will deepen your connection instead of breaking your relationship.
  2. When you notice yourself resisting your partner as he or she expresses feelings, STOP and ASK YOURSELF “What is being expressed here that I am fearful of looking at: in myself or in my past?” Relationships, by their very nature, will bring up wounds from your past. By noticing what triggers you, you can use the trigger for healing and closure. This will create space for you two to be present with each other.
  3. Once a week, set aside some time to clear up any Emotional Tension that has built up in your relationship. Use this time to communicate Your Truth with your partner about whatever you may not have handled and may need to be cleaned up. Let your partner know what you’re feeling without blaming them. Really listen to each other with an open heart and respond when the speaker is complete. Take turns. This will deepen your relationship and create a fresh place for you both to move forward in.
  4. Use the 3 A’s of Relationships (Attention, Appreciation, Affection) with your partner 3 times a day, for at least 3 minutes. It will feed your partner’s heart. You will begin to see your partner glow RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES! And you will feel Glowy yourself! For an additional bonus add in Acceptance and Allowing, and watch your partner’s heart melt.
  5. Make love from choice instead of obligation. Choose to nurture your relationship. Learn what sex does for your partner. We often assume it’s about taking, but it can be about joining and connection. Making love causes the bonding hormone oxytocin to flow, deepening your experience, and making the day-to-day demands of life flow more comfortably and lessen your stress level.
If you’ve been having problems connecting with your partner and building the relationship that you want, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to create Conscious Partnership!
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

 

Kimi interviews Mary Goyer, M.S. Holistic fertility, pregnancy, and reproductive health specialist

During my video interview with Mary Goyer, she emphasizes that if you only focus on what’s going on physically with infertility, you’re missing 45-50% of what’s going on to inform those symptoms.

Do not underestimate the emotional work!

You cannot simply apply the mind over matter approach because that usually just adds to the energy that’s causing the problems in the first place.

For example, stress is a powerful factor because the body registers reproduction as unimportant when the Fight or Flight system is turned on, and resources will be focused elsewhere.

When the Fight or Flight system is turned on continuously, under conditions of chronic stress, ALL of your body systems get thrown out of balance and symptoms will start coming up.

People know it’s going on, but they don’t know what to do about it.

That’s where Mary’s work really comes in. There are a number of things you can to do release those subtle sources of stress from your body.

It’s never too late to re-balance your body and clear up the emotional energy that is causing the body’s imbalance.

To learn more about what’s going on with stress and infertility and what you can do about it (without quitting your job!), you can download her article “The Truth About “Infertility – Mindset Matters” here:

MaryGoyer-MindsetMatters

Learn more about Mary and the incredible work she does, visit aufertility.com and auparent.com.

Kimi introduces Special Guest Mary Goyer and “The Truth About “Infertility” – Mindset Matters”

I’m posting today to share a very important resource with you or someone you love (Mary’s article linked below).

Mary Goyer M.S.
Mary Goyer, M.S., holistic fertility, pregnancy, and reproductive health specialist

I met Mary Goyer, M.S. holistic fertility, pregnancy, and reproductive health specialist when she was speaking a few weeks ago. We immediately connected because our work overlaps.

Couples often wait until things have gotten really bad and tried everything that they can think of to save their relationship before reaching out for help. The same holds true for couples experiencing infertility.

The experience of wanting a child and not being able to get pregnant is incredibly hard on any couple, and when they don’t get the help they need to deal with their emotions along the way, they risk losing their relationship too.

Mary offers safe, natural integrative techniques for women wanting to be mothers. She draws upon her traditional training in marriage & family therapy and her specialty in holistic, mind-body techniques to offer a new way of approaching fertility, birth & wellness for women.

Mary supports women/couples who are dealing with a range of challenges: hormonal imbalances, “infertility”, pregnancy loss, relational difficulties, sexual trauma, birth trauma, postpartum depression, anxiety & stress, etc.

She works with couples to clear reproductive imbalances, increase fertility, and step into parenthood from a place of connection, confidence, & peace. Her approach, first used to heal herself of cervical cancer, is now offered locally and internationally.

Watch my Interview with Mary here:

http://consciouscouplesnetwork.com/kimi-interviews-mary-goyer/

Download her article “The Truth About “Infertility” – Mindset Matters” here:

MaryGoyer-MindsetMatters

Learn more at aufertility.com and auparent.com.

How to Overcome Waning Chemistry

Waning Chemistry happens when you start with a high chemistry and dive in without making deals about what is important to you.

How to Overcome Waning ChemistryOver time, each person gets hurt and these hurts build up. It causes us to withhold affection, sex and attention.

Withholding affection, sex and attention will be the DEATH of your relationship.

To overcome Waning Chemistry, you need to start by expressing your past hurts and allowing them to be healed. It’s not easy, and it takes a firm willingness to heal. Get the support of a coach who is able to hold a non-judgmental place for you both and guide you in the healing process.

When past hurts are healed, it will bring you up to the present moment. This will create an openness between you to explore each of your requirements, needs and wants together.

You’ll notice intimacy growing again, and with it, the space to appreciate what each of you bring to the relationship. This appreciation will help your relationship thrive and with that, you’ll feel happier, more resilient, and more satisfied.

If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to turning things around.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

How to ask “How was your day?” successfully every time

Maybe you’ve heard that on average men use 5,000 words per day and women use 25,000. But did you know that this simple statistic can wreak havoc in your relationship if you don’t know where your partner is coming from when you ask them something as seemingly harmless as: How was your day?!

Successful Communication Between Men and Women

This is because men and women use words to achieve different goals.

Men use words to express what they think and what they think matters!

They’ve usually put a lot of thought into what they think about things, and so they need far fewer words to express the point.

For men: the point matters and they listen for the point.

Women use words to forge connection!

They spend a lot of time gathering details about the world, and they share all of those details for the purpose connecting with people on an emotional level. The more they talk, the deeper they connect, and women need that connection to sustain themselves.

For women: there is no comparable “point” because just sharing is the point.

TIPS FOR MEN:

When you ask your woman how her day was, she hears that she matters. That you care. Because your caring is priceless to her, I would encourage you to ask her about her day every day!

When she answers, make sure to listen like there’s nothing to fix because YOU GET YOUR POINTS BY LISTENING!

When she’s done talking, ask her any question you’ve saved up, or ask her if there’s something specific she wants you to remember (because maybe that was an awful lot of stuff!).

Just listening without interrupting provides her with the space she needs to share herself and feel more connected to you in your relationship.

TIPS FOR WOMEN:

Remember that your man is ALWAYS single focused, so you’ve got to get his attention before diving into a conversation. You could start by saying something like, “Hey Honey…” and wait until you have his attention.

Then ask him, “What do you want me to know about your day?” If your man gives you a one word answer about how his day was, BELIEVE HIM! There’s nothing in a man’s nature to make him share the details, and questioning feels like prying to him.

When you want to connect, think about something specific you want your man’s input on, ask him what he thinks, and wait.

As crazy as it might sound: Imagine plastering pink duct tape over your mouth for a minimum of 30 seconds! Do not interrupt. Do not re-phrase the question. Resist the urge to think that he didn’t hear you the first time!

YOU GET POINTS FOR WAITING!

Waiting provides him with the space to actually think about what he thinks long enough to formulate his point and answer your question in a way that’s meaningful to him! Waiting shows him that what he has to say matters to you as much as it does to him.

Waiting will help to forge the connection that you yearn to create!

If you’ve been having problems connecting with your partner and building the relationship that you want, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to turn their dating and relating experiences around right now!
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

 

How to use the PLATINUM RULE to Skyrocket your Love and Connection!

Have you ever wondered what the world would look like if your partner treated you the way you want to be treated?

Platinum Rule for Joy and Harmony

If you could get the right amount of appreciation? The right amount of affection? The right amount of attention and respect?

How awesome would you feel if you could WIN with your partner? If you could shift from basic life support in your relationship to systematically boosting and buoying one another up?!

What if I told you this world MANIFESTS when you implement the PLATINUM RULE for relationship success?

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO GIVE IT A TRY?

While the Golden Rule would have you treat your partner the way that YOU want to be treated, the PLATINUM RULE has you treat your partner the way s/he WANTS to be treated!

Can you see how this fundamental shift in your orientation can have profound consequences for the peace, love, joy and harmony you experience in your relationship?
Not just your romantic relationship, but ALL of your relationships!

Our default way interacting with one another is usually based on a combination of personal history (how we were taught to behave) and projection (how we would want to be treated). But this default method fails to account for the many cultural and gender differences between us, let alone our own unique personal tastes!

Using the Platinum Rule shifts your orientation from “what I want” to “let me first understand what others want and take that into account.”

It is designed to accommodate the feelings and experiences of others so that you will always win with the most important people in your lives!

ARE YOU READY TO WIN WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?!

Here’s what I want you to do:

1. Invite your partner (or a good friend or family member) to commit to trying out the Platinum Rule with you.

2. Engage in a conversation (or series of conversations) asking each other about when and how you like to receive attention. What makes you feel acknowledged and unconditionally accepted by your loved ones? What about appreciation? Do you like words in the moment? Or prefer gestures? How much do you need? What about affection? Do you like holding hands? Lots of cuddling or hugs? Or do you start feeling a little smothered with too much? etc.

3. LISTEN TO LEARN without judgment or expectation. You are curious! This is an opportunity to learn more about someone else and how they like to be treated. Notice how really listening opens your heart. Notice how it changes your perspective about the person or situation. What assumptions can you let go of now that you’ve heard it from them?

4. IMPLEMENT the Platinum Rule by modifying your interactions based on what you’ve learned about one another.

5. CELEBRATE the Platinum Rule by SHARING HOW IT AFFECTS YOU when they honor you by treating you in the ways you enjoy being treated!

REMEMBER: No one person can provide you with everything you need.

Shoot for 25% maximum within your personal relationship. Think about where you can subsidize your partner’s ability to provide you with more attention or appreciation OUTSIDE of your relationship.

If you have been struggling to create the you relationship you want, there’s hope and help!
I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to turn their dating and relating experiences around right now!
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

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Leveraging the Law of Attraction to Create your Ideal Partnership

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, wave a magic wand, stop time, and just take a minute to imagine your Perfect Lover and your Perfect Love!
Create a GREAT Relationship

Fantasize if you have too!

Right now.

Imagine your Perfect Lover and your Perfect Love and tell me:

What does it look like? How does your partner feel to you? What’s your favorite thing to share? What would you give to make this moment last forever?!

Meditate for a moment.

Take a deep breath and feel it.

Take another deep breath and feel it wash through your body and take your breath away…

Pretty luscious, huh? When you allow yourself to FEEL LOVE VIBRATE through your every cell and very being?

At the beginning of a relationship, this is what Love feels like.

Everything is fresh and fun. Each partner notices all of the good things. They’re looking hopefully into the future and feeling relationship BLISS.

They spend their attention and energy on what they hope will happen and overlook the little quirks and mismatches and become “invested” in their future together.

For my part? I would give anything to make this moment last forever…

But eventually this focus shifts and “reality” sets it.

Assumptions and unexpressed wants and needs accumulate, and the little challenges build up and become boulders.

Feelings get hurt, and hurts grow into glaring wounds until many couples find themselves in crisis.

What’s happening here is that the ATTENTION OF EACH PERSON IS TURNING AWAY FROM WHAT’S WORKING.

They begin knit-picking one another literally (in word).

Or figuratively (in behavior).

Maybe even both!

BUT IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY, and here’s why:

We typically think of energy as how much gas we have in the tank.

This is true. But on a deeper level, energy is something that creates our reality.

WHAT WE FOCUS OUR ATTENTION ON ATTRACTS MORE OF THE SAME.

Instead of focusing on what’s missing in your relationship – on what’s not working – try focusing on what you like, appreciate and value about your partner.

MEDITATE ON WHAT YOU LIKE DAILY!

Tell your partner what you like, appreciate and value about them daily.

Your partner will respond!

From wherever you begin.

Starting today.

Seriously! 🙂

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

 

P.S. If you’re frustrated and struggling with the heartbreak of relationship problems, maybe you just need a fresh perspective to get back to the place of Hope and Love! 

Schedule a Relationship Breakthrough Session and Find out How You Can Create the Foundation for
Lifelong Love and Companionship!