Have you ever felt snubbed by your partner’s advice?

Did you know that one of the biggest ways to get yourself into relationship trouble is to expect that you and your partner are the same?

Differences between Men and Women

For the last 40 or so years, as women have forged the right to work equally among men in the world, we’ve been trying to see each other as the same.

Having equality is essential, but “equality” is not the same as “sameness,” and this confusion does damage to how we relate to each other, especially in the relationship realm.

The truth is that biologically, we’re not the same. Men and women are hardwired differently. We have different motives and behaviors based on the way masculine and feminine modes of being play out in our life roles and interactions with one another.

Generally speaking, the Masculine Mode is single focused, time bound, and about producing for and protecting the people in their commitment circle.

Feminine Mode, on the other hand, focuses on many things simultaneously, is eternal, and works to support, nurture and enhance the lives of the people around her.

While both offer great contributions to each other, they misread each other most of the time and give advice based on their own perspective. This leads to frustration in relationships when the Masculine doesn’t do things the way the Feminine would do them, and vice versa.

It gets even worse when we are unable to see where our partner is coming from and make them wrong for being the way they are, then we get angry because they can’t be who we want them to be when we’re just trying to help.

Have you ever experienced that? I have.

I was working with a couple recently, and they weren’t seeing eye to eye about work. She is working on a huge time consuming project that she loves, is taking care of her aging mother, and works as a life coach. She spends a lot of time doing all kinds of things that she loves while her sweetheart has a job that he doesn’t particularly like.

He looks at her and sees her doing multiple things and wants to take care of her and help her to focus on one thing. So, he was saying things like, “Stop doing that,” or “Just focus on your project.” But to her, just focusing on her project would be like death. She cares for her mother, she loves her coaching AND she loves the project she’s working on.

She looks at him and sees him in a job that he hates. She hears him express his unhappiness about what he’s doing. She cares about him so she gives him the advice to do something that he loves, because that’s what she, as a woman, would put her attention on. It’s all about life enhancement for women. So she encourages him to do something that will enhance his life. However, her input gets brushed aside because what he’s doing provides for himself and his son. He can’t see himself leaving his job until his 15 year old son is grown.

On the surface it looked like they’re helping each other. But because they didn’t understand how the other one operated in the world, they were unintentionally hurting each other. If this type of conversation gets a foothold in your relationship, it can mean breakup or years of frustration.

When we worked together, he began to understand that his sweetheart loved what she was doing, and the best way to support her was to make sure she was getting some quality down time to nurture herself so she could do what she loved. She got that the best way to support him was to plant seeds for him that would help him leave his job and move onto something more fulfilling when his son was 18.

Understanding how your partner operates in the world not only averts relationship disaster, it creates the foundation for a life of relationship bliss.

If you want to learn more about the instinctual differences between men and women and how to avoid letting them run your relationship amok, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo who are committed to creating Conscious Partnership.
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

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Do you ever feel like you’re hitting a brick wall talking to your partner?

Prevent miscommunication

If you’re like most men and women, this happens quite often. From a woman wanting to talk about her feelings and never getting to the point, to a man speaking in bullet points when she wants details.

The truth is that men and women are so different that we’d be better off if we ACTUALLY spoke different languages, because then, they wouldn’t think they were communicating.

We miscommunicate about: money, planning, children, who’s in charge of what, our needs, what’s important to us, how we like attention and affection. And that’s if you already are in a relationship.

The dating world is especially challenging. If you’re trying to connect with someone new and don’t know how because you don’t understand how men and women communicate differently, you’ll be in trouble, and probably spend a lot of time being single.

The world has changed, but our instinctual differences in how we communicate have not. To get to Partnership, you have to understand the differences between the masculine and feminine ways of communicating.

Did you know women tend to use about 25,000 words a day while men average 5,000? And as my father says, “Yeah, and that’s all you need!” I’d bet that most men experience the deluge of words a woman speaks as way too much.

Women (the feminine mode) tend to go on and on and on because the details help them to figure out how they can support the people in their lives. Men (the masculine mode) typically don’t care about the details because he just needs to know what needs to be provided.

Picture this scenario: A man and woman are talking. She’s asking questions to get to know him. He’s answering in one word answers. She’s feeling like he doesn’t want to connect and he feels like he’s being interrogated.

This does not bode well for connecting, now does it?

This week I want you to think of yourself as an explorer in another country learning to communicate with the natives (opposite sex). Be curious. Be open. Ask questions about how the person experiences life and their views of the world. Practice listening!

Do this even if you’ve been married for 75 years!

 

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Relationship Success Depends on Making Clean Deals (Video Interview)

On the most basic level, people make assumptions about how their partner operates in the world, and it’s quite often wrong – especially between men and women.

In my interview with Max Van Praag, Private Matters.tv – Episode 40 – “Relationship Success Depends on Making Clean Deals.”, we discuss what it takes for couples to make what I call “clean deals” with each other – deals that are at the foundation of thriving partnerships because they ensure that both parties are on the same page with one another from the beginning so that misunderstandings, hurt and resentments don’t develop and build into a crisis along the way.

How to Create a GREAT Relationship Plan

Whether you’re married, in a long-term partnership, or you’ve been dating for a while, and consider yourselves a couple, creating (and annually updating) your “Relationship Plan” is an essential exercise.

Relationship Planning made simple

Taking the time to think about and discuss what you want your life together to look like now – for the next 12 months – will keep you on the same page as a couple, and help the universe kick in its part to ensure you get FANTASTIC results..

The key to writing a GREAT Relationship Plan is to commit to answering questions and writing your answers out on paper. Do not underestimate the power of writing!

It doesn’t have to be pretty – it just has to be meaningful enough for you that you can share your results with your partner.

1. Take an inventory of your year by jotting down answers to these questions:

  • What are you proud of in your interactions with your partner; with others?
  • What didn’t you like about your interactions with your partner; with others?
  • How well did you express your love?
  • How were you at receiving love in your life?
  • How often did you smile or laugh?
  • How much time did you spend doing things that didn’t feel good?
  • How much pleasure were you able to receive?
  • How did you take care of yourself?
  • Did you say “Yes” to the things you wanted to do?
  • Did you say “No” to the things you didn’t want to do?
  • Did you make time to be with the people you care about?
  • How much time did you spend feeling overcommitted?
  • Did you put quality attention on your relationship?
  • How open were you to experiencing connection with others?
  • What can you release from this past year?
  • What did you learn about yourself?

2. Vision what you want to create by answering these questions:

  • What is most important to you this coming year?
  • What do you want to accomplish?
  • What will you do that inspires you?
  • What do you want more of this coming year?
  • How do you plan to take care yourself?
  • How do you plan to be with your partner?
  • How much time and attention are you willing to put into your relationship this year?
  • How do you want your loved ones to feel around you?
  • How do you plan to be with others?
  • What do you want to learn more of?

3.  Imagine that it’s exactly 1 year from now and write (up to 3 pages – if it’s too long, you’ll never look at it) about everything you’re celebrating from the year as if it’s over. What did you see, feel, hear and experience over the year that made it fantastic?

4. SHARE what you’ve written with your partner. Notice where you’re in alignment and where you’re different. Your plans don’t have to be the same, but they do have to line up so that the shared “WE” space is taking up at least 25% of your life.

(Successful Relationships always require a WE plus two individuals. If you’re not putting enough attention into your relationship (less than 25%), your relationship will wither; if you’re putting too much of your attention into it (more than 25%), it will feel smothering and other parts of your life will suffer. Finding the right balance for you both is important.)

5. Together, create a list of activities that you are committed to doing as a couple to fortify your relationship and build a solid WE. Then hang them in a place where you both can see them daily, as a reminder when you are busy with life.

The more you’re in action, in focus, and attentive to your relationship, the greater chance you have of experiencing the relationship you truly want.

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you or someone you know has been experiencing challenges  in dating or relating, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to create Joyous  Partnership!

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

Get your REAL Happily Ever After

Have you ever had the experience of arguing with your partner about something important to you? Has your partner ever done something that brought up anger about something that happened long ago?

Creating your REAL Happily Ever After

Or maybe you’re worried that that same horrible thing will happen again?

Have you ever had a relationship end because you’d reached an impasse and couldn’t figure out how to get around it?

I see it all the time in my coaching practice working with couples. When the relationship starts each partner is noticing the good things and they’re looking hopefully into the future. Their attention and energy is going toward what they hope will happen. They’ve been successful at putting things that don’t match what they want, bothersome or upsetting things, far enough out of sight that they’ve managed to say, “I do.”

Unfortunately, the second the vows are said, their focus turns toward all of the things that get in the way of the “happily ever after” that each had assumed would just happen.

The “reality” sets in.

Assumptions, and unexpressed wants and needs build up. Little challenges build up over time and become boulders. Feelings get hurt. The laundry left outside the hamper moves from being an irritation to being a sign that our partner doesn’t care about us, or even love us.

Hurts grow into glaring wounds.

What’s happening is that the attention of each person is turning away from what’s working toward what is not fitting into the picture of “happily ever after.”

The problem is that our brains are wired to look for danger and things we don’t like, and to call up past memories, so we don’t make the same mistakes again. It’s an attempt to avert disaster.

It’s our survival instinct.

In order to make changes that will get you what you want, you must retrain your mind to see something other than what you’re wired to look for.

Love survives the inevitable ups and downs in relationships when we are conscious about where we put our attention and focus, and choose to express what we appreciate about our partner to them regularly instead of allowing ourselves to slip into instinct and criticize our partner for “what’s wrong.”

If you’re experiencing challenges in your relationship, maybe it’s time for a reboot? Request a Relationship Breakthrough Session for you and your partner to learn more.
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
I’m here to help!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

How Good Women Destroy Their Relationships

There is a hidden killer in relationships. It is the perpetual disempowerment of your partner through emasculation.

How to end Emasculation

Emasculation is depriving your partner, and other men in your life, of their strength and power and making them weak.

What emasculation looks like is a man becoming unmotivated or unable to function effectively in the relationship and in the world. Emasculation is most often done unconsciously but it can be done intentionally too.

Emasculation breaks men down so they have lost their power to function, to provide and protect, and of their virility.

We do this by criticizing men and not empowering them to be the providers and protectors they are driven to be. And it’s not just you, male bashing is a prevalent disease in our culture.

Why? Because we think of strong men as dangerous. What we don’t understand is that strong men are also protectors. They love to contribute to us when what we need is clear and we receive it well.

10 Ways we emasculate men and what you can do instead:

1. When we’re frustrated, we tend to criticize. So get clear on what you want and learn to express it the way he can receive it.

2. When we get into a relationship we try to fix our man and shape him into what we want. Instead, learn about men and accept him as he is.

3. When we are upset, we tend to complain. Instead, let him know what you need.

4. When we’re upset, we let him know it, by telling him how we feel. Instead, tell him what you appreciate, and then let him know what you want instead.

5. When we want to let him know what we want, we often compare him to other men who are doing what we want. Instead, be clear about what you want instead of giving comparisons.

6. When we’re frustrated, we tend to treat him like a child. Instead, respect him as an adult, and he’ll act like one.

7. When we aren’t getting our needs met, we tend to distrust his ability to take care of us so we take over. Instead, let him know that you believe in him.

8. When we’re upset we tend to pull away and act like his presence doesn’t matter. Instead, let him know you are still there and love him and his presence is important to you.

9. When we aren’t getting what we need in our relationship we tend to withhold attention. Instead of pulling away, let him know what you need and stay present.

10. When we are upset, we tend to act like his needs don’t matter. Relationships are about partnership, both of your needs matter, so let him know you value what he needs too.

Men and women are wired differently and if you don’t understand those differences, you’ll be speaking different languages which will end up in frustration.

Take the time to learn about your partner and how he operates in the world. Learn what you can do to create a win/win relationship by requesting a Relationship Breakthrough Session now.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Solving the Dueling Provider Dilemma

Fear of failure makes you hide from the inevitable breakup. But it also makes you hide from a real solution.

How to Prevent DivorceIf breaking up is the last thing you want, and you have no idea what to do to turn things around, read on because waiting until you’ve said horrible things to each other and you’re seething in anger never works.

One of my clients, I’ll call Margaret, reached out to me in February. She was terrified that her relationship was failing. She had good evidence that things were grim.

Her husband, I’ll call Mark, had told her he wanted a divorce and was looking on dating sites. Mark was no longer willing to talk with her about their relationship. He pushed Margaret away at every turn.

It felt like the life, trust and family they’d been building for the last 12 years was being ripped away from her, and they have a two year old daughter.

The good news is that she reached out before Mark had moved out.

The problem was that when their daughter arrived, Margaret became Mama Bear protecting her daughter, and she’d ignored Mark’s ideas about parenting. Mama Bear mode, by the way, is extremely protective and what I’d call masculine mode.

Margaret and Mark had had very different upbringings, and have very different ideas about how to raise children. This isn’t uncommon. Add to that that often the masculine and feminine have different ideas about parenting to begin with, and trouble brews.

They hadn’t clarified how they wanted to raise their children and both of them had assumed they were on the same page. Which they weren’t.

Margaret and Mark were experiencing an all too common scenario of two people in masculine mode. Or what I call, “Dueling Providers.”

This happens when a couple doesn’t have clear DEALS about something. In this case it was raising children.

Mark couldn’t even see the qualities he loved about Margaret anymore, and neither could she. Their situation had changed with the birth of their daughter, and they hadn’t renegotiated a new DEAL, so they were battling.

They were both protecting and providing for their daughter in different ways, and they couldn’t even see it through the arguments.

As Margaret and I began to work together, she learned how to navigate Mark’s masculine energy and make room for him to contribute to parenting their daughter.

She also learned how to change her focus from the problems they were having to finding good that Mark was offering.

It took about three months and now, divorce is off the table, they are planning a family vacation, and planning their next child.

If you’re frustrated and scared and don’t know where to start, the first step is to be open to the possibility that nobody is misbehaving and recognize that men and women are different – you and your partner speak different languages.

You love each other and resolving your differences is about developing consciousness in your relationship (it’s not about compromising).

It’s about learning how to navigate your differences in ways that work to empower your sense of partnership.

YOU’RE NOT ALONE – YOU HAVE RESOURCES.

Schedule a 30-minute appointment with me to discuss your unique situation and goals and what you can start doing right away to achieve them.

Click here to schedule now.

I’m here for you. I’m on your side. 🙂

To Love!

Schedule 30 Minutes Now

Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

Are you tired of being angry?

Whether you’re single and want a relationship or you’re already in one, what I’m about to tell you about the perilous cycle of emasculation and objectification is one of the most challenging and important components for relationship success.

Rooting out Anger

It’s critical to understand how it works because it plays out all around us every single day, in subtle and dramatic ways.

Objectification is turning a person into an object.

Put simply, men do it to women by seeing them as sexual objects, and women do it to men by seeing them as meal tickets.

Emasculation is generally a way of being with men that deprives them of their strength, vigor, spirit and role. Essentially emasculating a man is to make him ineffective.

Both are ways of dis-empowering another human being.

We see another person as if they are a misbehaving version of ourselves if they are doing something we’d never do, or not doing something we’d absolutely do.

We tend to react by backing away and withholding ourselves or lashing out in anger. This anger looks like men treating women as objects, and women emasculating men.

When either sex feels threatened, they lash out at the other.

In order to make sense of it at all, let’s start by looking at human animal and human spirit. Human animal is our instinct about survival and procreation. It’s our default mode of being. It causes us to protect ourselves when we feel threatened.

Human spirit is our consciousness, it is about choice and it’s what makes great relationships possible. When we can choose how we want to respond to any situation, then we can love fully and experience the partnership we truly want.

Unfortunately, you can be the most conscious person in the world and still get tripped up by instinct.

Instinct is strong, raw and pervasive. You might think that it doesn’t impact your relationship because you’re conscious, but I’m here to tell you that very few people, if any, are above the pull of instinct. The best we can hope for is to understand it and learn how to navigate it.

Men and women are wired differently and see the world in different ways. Learning about how your partner experiences the world and learning to navigate the territory of being a “We” eliminates between 80-90% of relationship problems.

Through understanding where your partner is coming from, you will be able to find peace within yourself.

When you find peace within yourself, you won’t be angry with your partner. When you’re not angry with your partner and are coming from a place of peace within yourself, you can be conscious and create the relationship you truly want.

It all starts with you changing your perspective and choosing to see your partner as a unique being who is different than you are and bringing your best self into the relationship.

If you’re suffering from relationship challenges with the opposite sex and need help, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to turning things around.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

It’s not your Job to Fix your Partner’s Emotions

Everyone has good moods and bad moods. When it’s someone you aren’t intimate with, you can often easily let the person’s bad mood roll off your back and simply offer a word or two of support.

Handling your partner's emotions

However, in a romantic relationship because you’re more interconnected it can be harder to maintain that kind of detachment. After all, you share a home and your life. You’re managing jobs and possibly raising children too.

Our moods have to do with where we put our attention and focus. George Markowsky says that our “senses gather some 11 million bits per second from the environment… In other words, the human body sends 11 million bits per second to the brain for processing, yet the conscious mind seems to be able to process only 50 bits per second.”

That’s over 950 billion bits of information coming at you every day. Some of that information can uplift you, and some can send you into a downward spiral. Think about it, with those numbers, it’s unlikely that everything is all bad.

What we are paying attention to affects our moods. We’re actually designed instinctively to notice problems. That’s what’s kept our species alive, and it’s our default mode. With so much information coming into our senses, we can unconsciously let our attention focus only on unwanted experiences.

On the other hand, you can consciously choose to notice the information that uplifts you. It can take some practice, but the results will likely be more desirable than the alternative.

Now let’s apply this to your relationship. One of the reasons you’re with your partner is that you were able to build enough rapport with them to feel comfortable and fall in love.

That’s what we do as humans. We resonate with each other. There are electromagnetic frequencies radiating out from your heart to your partner’s, and vice versa. That’s how love grows.

Building rapport is about unconsciously, or consciously, matching the mood of the people you are close to. For better or worse. It’s great news if you or your partner is in an uplifted mood.

Dr. John Gottman says that couples that last are ones who let each other influence each other. Your partner leads, you follow. Or you lead, and your partner follows. You match: you connect: your relationship blossoms. It’s a sweet deal.

On the other hand, because you’re interconnected with your partner, their unpleasant mood can affect you too.

What do you do if your partner is in a bad mood often? What if you or your partner is in a downward spiral? Like Linus from Peanuts, with a dark cloud over their head?

If you match them, you’ll likely go down too.

What do you do if you don’t want to go down with them? You may try to help them feel better but, as you may have noticed, it can lead to frustration for both of you. What if your partner’s angry? You try to intervene, and you end up getting angry too. Or you try to avoid them, and it creates a wall of hurt between you two.

To learn what you can do to avoid getting caught up in your Partner’s experience, Download my 6 Steps for Dealing with Moodiness In Your Relationship (Special Report) Now.

6 Steps for Dealing with Moodiness Report 02-2015

To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you have been experiencing challenges in your relationship, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Couples or Partners Flying Solo committed to turning things around.

Click Here to Learn More and Signup!

How Relationship Stress Affects Your Health – the Biochemistry of Emotions

Our emotions play an enormous role in our health, vitality and well-being or lack there of.

How Relationship Stress Affects Your Health

Dr. Candace Pert states in her book Molecules of Emotion that “virtually all illness, if not psychosomatic in foundation, has a definite psychosomatic component.” When we are experiencing frustrations with our partner, our relationship, and our lives, it adds up to chronic stress.

Chronic stress is mental or physical tension, strain or pressure that remains unresolved for extended periods of time. This stress can be initiated by events such as fighting with your partner, hurts that build up over time, dissatisfaction with your relationship, unresolved family problems, tension raising children, miscommunications and pent-up frustrations.

It can also be caused by dissatisfaction with your life in general through not having a sense of purpose in the world, as well as, not feeling connected to your partner, your family, or your community.

The key ingredient that makes any of these situations stressful is the way a person perceives the experiences, not the experiences themselves. Whether you’re single or already in a relationship, this matters because it impacts your ability to create the relationship you truly desire.

Many people don’t think that chronic stress affects the body, and as a result, they may be suffering from autoimmune disorders, chronic back pain, coronary artery disease, fibromyalgia, heart palpitations, hypertension, irritable bowel syndrome, lupus, migraine headaches, mitral valve prolapse, multiple sclerosis, panic attacks, rheumatoid arthritis, tension, TMJ, and other conditions, says Dr. Don Colbert author of Deadly Emotions.

Much of Western culture operates under the assumption that the mind is separate from the body. We have been taught that our bodies are simply objects to be carried around, to exercise and feed. The majority of people do not realize the link between their thoughts, emotions, and daily stresses and their physical ailments.

One person whom I did not work with, said he was experiencing Irritable Bowel Syndrome and anxiety. It turns out that he was in a very stressful job as an executive at a worldwide corporation. When I asked him if he saw that his current situation was impacting his body, he answered with complete conviction, that his job could not be affecting his bowel and that what he had was genetic.

DNA

The truth is that our environment plays an enormous role in whether or not certain genes manifest into disease. It is the mind-body consciousness split that causes people to deny that the environment has anything to do with how healthy or unhealthy they are.

One women I worked with had been experiencing ear infections and vertigo for several years without any underlying cause that her doctors could find. Through our work together, she was able to discover that the symptoms were caused by a part of her that was tired of traveling.

This part of her psyche sounded very tired and wanted to stay in one place to raise their two-year-old son. She and her husband had been traveling for the past seven years, moving every two months to a new country to photograph Olympic teams.

Our bodies are incredibly intelligent and it is surprising how often the symptoms someone experiences make logical sense once it’s been discovered. Unconsciously, she didn’t want to travel anymore and her symptoms were ear problems (you’re not supposed to get on an airplane with an ear problem).

She’d been afraid to speak with her husband because she didn’t want to rock the boat. As we worked together, she realized that it was sabotaging her health to keep her symptom needs hidden from her husband. So, with this understanding, she spoke with her husband about her concerns for the first time.

Men have told me that they want you to be clear about what you need because they want to take care of you. They can’t take care of you if they don’t know what you need.

They decided to buy a house in a place where he would be able to use his photographic skill, and her symptoms disappeared. When the message from her unconscious mind was finally heard, and she realized that not resolving this problem in her relationship was risking her health, she was able to take action and resolve the physical symptoms.

Our environment includes external and internal factors. Chronic stress is both external and internal because what is going on outside of us is internalized through our perception. How we perceive what is going on for us causes our body to create chemicals in our bodies that affect every cell of our body.

Environmental Stress

Every cell in our body has a wall around it that has receptors that pick up these chemicals. Dr. Bruce Lipton, author of The Biology of Belief, calls it the “mem-brain.” This mem-brain reads the chemicals produce by our emotions that pass by.

If you are feeling good about your relationship, you have feel-good chemicals in your body that cause your body to function properly, to heal, and to be in health and wellness.

If you are feeling upset, frustrated, and angry, often the molecules of emotion that will be filling your body will be stress related, causing you to go into fight or flight mode, and ultimately lead to disease.

The mem-brain has receptors for each kind of chemical that our bodies create. Whether you’re feeling happy or angry often, your cell’s receptors will become addicted to that particular kind of chemical.

This is why if you’re in fight or flight mode most of the time, the receptors for the feel good emotions will become dormant, and it takes a little time and diligent practice to change your emotional state.

The reverse is also true. The better you feel, the more your body will crave the feel good chemicals and put your body on the course for health and wellness.

This is why I propose 3 Must Haves for Relationship Success:

1. You must understand your partner; 2. You must learn to navigate your differences, and 3. You must learn to manage your emotional state.

Doing these things will create an upward spiral in your relationship experience and support your health.

If you’re suffering from relationship challenges with the opposite sex and you are sick and tired, isn’t it time you got some help?

Click here to schedule a Relationship Breakthrough Session and turn your experience around.
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist