All posts by Kimi Avary

My Wife Complains ALL The Time

Ask Kimi: My wife complains all the time.
My wife complains all the time!

 

 

 

 

 

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“Dear Kimi,

My wife complains all the time about EVERYTHING I do. It’s like I can never do anything right. It was never like this when we were dating. I don’t know what happened.

When we got married I signed up for life.

I have no idea how to make her happy.

I don’t know what to do. Help!

Thanks,

Frustrated.”

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Dear Frustrated,

I hear you! Complaining to a woman means that she’s trying to get something she needs through to you.

I understand how frustrating it can be when she’s complaining, and doesn’t seem to be giving you any clue about what she actually wants you to do.

Sadly, you’re just not getting it because she’s giving you hints, or she’s explaining why she’s upset instead of telling what she needs.

There are a few problems going on:

  1.  Women tend to not know what they need until they are upset without it.
  2. They tend to give hints and then escalate to anger without an in between stage.
  3. Women change when someone complains to them, so they complain to you, thinking it will make you change.
  4. Bottom line: She’s trying to give you the message about what she needs, but she’s delivering it in a way that you can’t receive it, and all you hear is the storm of anger.

Here’s what you can do TO BE HER HERO!!! (Don’t be afraid – this really will work):

LET HER KNOW YOU CARE

  1. Say, “Woah! I see that you’re upset and I want to help.” 
  2. Let her know that you can tell that there is something she needs that’s important to her because she’s upset.
  3. Ask her to sit with you because you want to understand.
  4. Tell her that what she needs is truly important to you because you want her to be happy.

SETTING THE STAGE

  1. When you sit down with her, set you both up to win:
    1. Ask her to take a moment and think about what she needs and is upsetting her.
    2. Let her know that you’re not a mind reader and really do want to understand, and to please be patient with you.
    3. Ask her to help you get clarity by telling you what she needs instead of why she’s upset.
  2. When she starts talking, imagine you’re holding a bucket that she’s purging into and don’t interrupt. (This is important because by the time a woman’s upset, there’s usually a lot of build up of emotions and tension, that you don’t have to dive in and fix. Unless you let her express it, it will keep coming back to bite you.)
  3. When she’s finished purging, ask her to do her best to bullet point her request so that you can understand it. 

PROBLEM SOLVING

  1. Tell her you’re going to repeat her request back to her, and to make sure you understand it.
    1. If you do, great!
    2. If you don’t have her clarify.
  2. Repeat until clarity and agreement on the need is achieved.
  3. IT IS NOW TIME FOR PROBLEM SOLVING:
    1. If you can provide what she needs, do it.
    2. If you can’t provide that particular need, it behooves you and your partnership, to help her to figure out how she can get that need met. (A need is not to be confused with a REQUIREMENT that MUST be there or you or she will NEVER be happy in your partnership. Children/no children, or monogamy/polyamory, or lifestyle, or location. These are Deal Breakers.)

AREAS THAT MIGHT NEED THIS TYPE OF CONVERSATION: Cleaning the house; a certain sports activity; date nights; driving kids around; time with extended family; going on vacation; emotional support

I’ve got your back! You can do it!

With Love,

Kimi

NOTE: THIS CONVERSATION CAN GO BOTH WAYS! I address this topic in the Platinum Rule of the Relationship Navigation System. 

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PS

Got a great question for me???? Submit it  here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/my-ask-kimi-question

Being Authentic When Dating

 

 

 

 

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“Hi Kimi,

I am having some issues come up that I could love your input on. I’ll try to be to the point…

I’m seeing a new guy, Dean, who is much more “relationship material,” however our chemistry is only between 5-7. which is good because intellectually and otherwise I am intrigued and want to give it a chance.

However, I find myself thinking about sex with some of the guys I was sleeping with recently. I’ve reached out to some of them, and have another potential lover who is strictly sexual no questions asked. I know I’ve said that I’m monogamous etc., but now I’m wondering if that is actually true.

What I would LOVE is to keep sleeping with some of these guys and keep getting to know Dean but not sleep with him until I’m sure I want to have a relationship with him. Does that sound crazy? Also, I know he’s gonna want to know about my life so how would I go about telling him I have lovers without discouraging him into thinking that I’m not serious about having a serious relationship (one day)?

Your thoughts?

Thanks!
Am I Crazy”

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Dear Am I Crazy,

Great questions!

First off, congratulations on exploring your true desires. Sometimes it takes situations like this to help the needed exploration to come to the surface. Like the question of monogamy or polyamory.

There are many reasons for confusion regarding monogamy and polyamory. Here are two:

Sometimes we’re programmed by our culture to believe we “should” be monogamous. That doesn’t make it right or wrong.

Sometimes people opt for polyamory because it keeps them from getting too close to one person and, in their minds, keeps them safe.

What’s important here is to explore what’s true for you and then learn how and when to let a prospective partner know.

Secondly, let’s talk about Velcro Girl. Velcro Girl is the tendency to immediately feel the need to disclose that you’re dating or being intimate with other people, or feel the need to shut off other relationships when you first meet someone you’re interested in. In your case men who you have sex with.

This tendency gets women into trouble because it’s like she’s betting all of her money on one horse at the race track. Until you get to know someone, focusing all of your attention on that person can lead to heartbreak.

Thirdly, Remember The REAL Truth About Successful Communication Between Men and Women? Men are natural Concealers, and women natural Revealers. Women tend to be more transparent, believing that “to know me, is to love me.” Men tend to naturally keep their cards to their chest.

A woman often feels that she “should” disclose everything right away, because it will make him fall in love. A man tends to be surprised when a woman discloses so much right away, because he wouldn’t.

Fourthly, you get to be the chooser. The sooner you express what you desire in a long term relationship, the more likely you are to get it.

The Bottom Line is that telling your date what you desire in the future is not the same thing as disclosing who you’re dating and being intimate with.

Letting your date know what you desire let’s him choose if he fits into that scenario.

Letting your date know that you’re being intimate with another man or other men, is putting the cart before the horse.

Exclusivity doesn’t and shouldn’t happen immediately.

Since you’ve just met Dean, there is no reason to disclose that you have other lovers, and there’s every reason to share what you desire in the future.

With love,
Kimi

PS Please share and comment below.

Got a great question for me???? Submit it here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/my-ask-kimi-question

Texting and Needs

Welcome to Ask Kimi, where I answer your questions. Here’s a question from “Confused”…

 

 

 

 

 

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“Hi Kimi,

I made the mistake (or impulsive decision) to text him last night and didn’t hear back. So now I am sitting with my feelings and wondering what to do next. I think that if and when he gets in contact again it will be time to ask him what he wants with me? I’m sure you have a better suggestion of how to approach the conversation.

I’m gonna listen to more sections of Relationship Navigation System today.

Thanks for everything!

Confused”

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Hi Confused,

I’ll answer your questions in two parts.

1) TEXTING:

Ahhh. It happens. I feel you.

Men are single focused. They are always single focused, and we are always interrupting a man. Remember that single focus is not a bad thing, it’s just they’re wired differently than we are.

That’s the good news and the bad.

If you know you’re texting a single focused human being, you have some choices:

  • You can get upset, decide he isn’t into you, and block his humber.
  • You can choose to go on with your day, instead of taking it personally, if he doesn’t respond right back to you right away, and find something that makes your heart sing.
  • You can choose to do something that makes you happy instead of letting your upset fester in your heart, leading you to have hurt feelings and be a little snarky when he finally responds back.
  • You can also choose to let it go and be happy now, knowing that he was doing something else, and that he’ll get back to you when he’s ready. When you do this, you will be lighter and happier and more fun to talk with when he does respond back. 🙂

It’s important to remember that most often it’s not personal when he doesn’t respond right back.

So, those are all viable choices, and if you remember that he’s always single focused, then you can rest at peace knowing that he’s not ignoring you, AND he’s doing whatever he’s doing; because that would be doing TWO things!

2) GETTING ON THE SAME PAGE

It’s always a good thing to make sure the person you are interested in is interested in what you want.

For instance, if someone wants to casually date, and you want a relationship, it’s important to know that sooner than later.

I find that often men and women enter into relationships unconsciously. Everyone has things that they need in their relationship experience. Unfortunately, these things tend to be unexpressed, but expected.

Sadly, men and women generally misrepresent themselves in an attempt to get what they need based on those unexpressed expectations.

For instance:

Women tend to say they’re ok with casual sex, when they aren’t.

Men tend to say they want a relationship, when they don’t.

Of course, it can be reversed, but the thing is that you won’t know unless you ask what the other person needs, and unless you let the person you’re dating know what you need, he or she won’t enter into the experience knowing the full equation. This leads to upset and frustration.

If you’re on the same page, GREAT!

If you want a booty call, and he wants marriage and children, then it’s not a match.

If you value polygamy, and he’s the monogamous type, then it’s not a match.

This list is endless, however, it’s critical in dating to KNOW WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR AND LET YOUR POTENTIAL PARTNER KNOW WHAT YOU DESIRE!

Let me know if this helps and have a beautiful day.

Much love,

Kimi

PS Please share and comment below.

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How to Live Your Life with Courage

talk-show-maven-tonight-show-kimi-avaryI have been very fortunate to be able to live the life of my dreams.

I began learning the healing arts from my godmother Dhyana when I was 5 years old. I was a professional massage therapist by my early 20’s. That evolved into mind-body healing when I learned about Neuro-Linguistic Programming. This led me to get my Masters in Counseling Psychology and becoming a Certified Relationship Coach.

One of the keys to my success is being courageous. And to me that is about challenging your comfort zone.

It’s all about walking the path not taken. Most people don’t walk their path because they are too scared.

I will explore my journey on a special interview on March 2nd.

Come join me and learn more.

Here are the details:

Talk Show Maven “Tonight” Show
Thursday, March 2nd
6pm Pacific (9pm Eastern)

Here’s what you will learn:
-How to get the help you need to have a successful home-based business
-Tips to navigate your business with ease and grace
-How to listen to your intuition about what steps need to be taken to be successful
-How to be flexible in your approach to your outcome once your dream is in motion
-Why you need to take care of yourself in order to succeed

Click here to join me live on the interview

The interview can be viewed using the BlueJeans live-streaming app. Allow enough time to download the app to join us live.

You can learn more about my story in the book, Careers from the Kitchen Table, 5th Edition, published by Raven Blair Glover.

Kimi Avary
Conscious Couples Network

Women of Influence Small Business Conference October 25-27 2016

flyer-womenofinfluencesmallbusinessconference1

80-90% of relationship problems, personally and professionally, are solvable when you learn the skills to successfully navigate the masculine and feminine dynamics in all your relationships! 

This coming week an extraordinary event, The Women of Influence Small Business Conference is happening in San Francisco at Fort Mason. I will be joining top speakers from around the country who are flying in to create a powerful 3 day education and networking event.

I will be speaking about the well received corporate program I launched last April for the women engineers at Shell Oil Corporation. 

“Men and women are so different that they’d be better off if they actually spoke different languages, because then they wouldn’t think they were communicating.” ~ Kimi Avary 

Super Genius Teams: How men and women can communicate, collaborate, and create successful teams and increase the bottom line.

You’ll learn:

  • How our own perspectives can keep us from effectively communicating with the opposites sex.
  • The #1 Assumption you must have in your tool kit.
  • The Key to Overcoming the Dirty Little Secret that keeps you from great collaborations.
  • How to master A GREAT ASK!

Get your tickets here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/women-of-influence-small-business-conference-tickets-25945578925

The other speakers and topics:

Tony Wilkins – Influential Networking and Selling talk

Tina Greenbaum – Mastery Under Pressure: Journey Into the Minds of Champions

Hillary Wicht: Women in Business: Having a Voice at the Table

Jackie Lapin: How to Find Speaking Engagements You Can Monetize For Business Growth

Shannon Presson: How to Untangle What’s REALLY Holding You Back

Cheryl Ginnings: How in the World Can I Reach Them?

Jill Lublin: Get Known Everywhere

Caterina Rando: Hosting Workshops to Gain Insta-clients Over and Over

Minette Riordan: What Successful Women Entrepreneurs Know that You Don’t

Kiran Patel: From Mechanics to Magic: How to Energize Your Message and Magnetize Clients

Julia Beauchamp: Speak to Inspire: How to Find Your Authentic Voice, Stand in Your Value and Change the World with Your Message

Debra Dupree: The Risky Business and Emotional Potential of Bad Bossing

Dr. Michelle Peticolas: Grief as a Gateway to Purpose and Prosperity

Meryl Shaw: How to Shine when Presenting in High-Stakes Situations: Tips from Behind the Professional Theater Curtain

Tony Wilkins: Making Money as a Speaker

Susan Sheppard: How to find Love with CLASS

Sue Brooke: Inventive Marketing: The Secret to Making Your Business Stand Out… (pssst! IT’s all About YOU!!!)

Shira Bush: Write, Publish, and Monetize Your Book

Love and Money

Love and MoneyAre you ready to make your relationship work?

Did you know that men and women are so different that we’d be better off if we actually spoke different languages, because then we wouldn’t think we were communicating?

It’s funny but it’s true.

Couples argue over when to talk, how to talk, and how to listen.

Hurt feelings and misunderstandings abound ambien over how to spend money, what it means to be safe, how much sex to have, and how to express appreciation.

Isn’t it time to learn relationship skills that will lead to a happy, fulfilled life?

I’m excited to let you know about a special event happening on Thursday, October 6th from 6-7pm Pacific.

I will be speaking on a panel hosted by Katrina Sawa, author of Love Yourself Successful. All of the speakers on the panel will also be featured in Katrina’s upcoming event, Love and Money Live in Sacramento November 3-5th.

Love and Money LIVE Video Conference Call – October 6th

Get a preview from each speaker about their talk planned for Katrina’s live event on Nov 3-5!

You don’t have to be a registered attendee/guest of the Love & Money LIVE! event to access this One-Time FREE Call!

Just click the link at the time of the call or you can call in w/out video.

Call in #: 646 558 8656
Meeting ID: 916 872 4000

There’s no opt in required.

Save this link and then click on it at 6pm Pacific on October 6th:
https://zoom.us/j/9168724000

Featured Speakers Include:

  • Katrina Sawa, Author of Love yourself Successful
  • Kimi Avary, Relationship Navigation Specialist
  • Mia Saenz, Love Alchemist
  • Dr. Minette Riordan
, Best-selling author of The Artful Marketer: The Fundamental Business Guide for Creative Entrepreneurs
  • Maryann Ehmann, Dream Activator, Breakthrough Specialist, Business Strategist, Speaker, Author
    • love and money live event invitation

      Kimi Avary
      Relationship Navigation Specialist

Goddess Revival Weekend

Tree of Life couple

In my twenties, I had the pleasure of reading a book called Goddess Within: A Guide to the Eternal Myths that Shape Women’s Lives. It was the first introduction I’d ever had to reclaiming the Goddess in my own life. What I found was mesmerizing.

The beauty of the old myths is that they are timeless and represent the different experiences that women face today. Unlike the dominant religions today where the Goddess is a mere shadow of herself, these stories appeal to the wide range of feminine qualities which we feel stirring deeply inside of us calling to be heard. 

This calling is why I’m so excited to personally invite you to participate in the FEMTalks Goddess Revival Weekend happening this coming Easter weekend March 26-27! 

Nestled in the Oakland Hills is a vibrant sanctuary where the sacred comes to life. It’s a lovely escape from the hustle and bustle of everyday life, but close enough to easily get to from the city. Teachers are coming from all over to honor the sacred feminine with dance, ritual and ceremony, luscious exploration, deep conversation, and blessings for all.

Imagine yourself immersed in a nurturing escape with new and old friends, relaxing together, witnessing each other’s joys and pains, healing each other’s hearts, birthing your visions with support and collaboration!

There will be over 20 incredible presentations filled with hands on exercises to enliven the Goddess in you!  I’ll be teaching How to be a Goddess IN Your Relationship: 3 Keys to Create Conscious Partnership. You’ll learn why knowing and expressing what you need is critical to your being the Goddess in your relationship! You’ll walk away with tools you can immediately use that will impact your relationship experience forever.

I hope you’ll join us! To find out more and to register, http://www.meetup.com/BayAreaSpiritualBizWomen/events/228145931/?mc_cid=6f6f0b21bf&mc_eid=5222c6719a.

 

 

Women Need to FEEL ADORED! (tips for Men for Valentine’s Day +)

How to win with women
The dreaded day is here again. You’ve tried to make her happy all year, and you know that if you don’t get it right, she’ll be upset.

It’s infuriating, that you spend 364 days doing great things, and friggin’ Valentines Day, a made up holiday, is what you will be judged by!

The first problem is that there’s nothing in a woman’s nature to get her to be clear about what she needs until she’s upset without it.

The second problem is that she thinks you’re supposed to “know” what she wants because she’s hinted about it. She thinks you’re a mind-reader.

(This goes with Valentine’s Day and every other day of the year!)

So here’s what to do:

  1. If she hasn’t been clear about what would make her the happiest for Valentines’ Day, ask her. “Honey, what would make you the happiest for Valentine’s day?”
  2. If she answers, “surprise me.” Don’t fall for it! Say, “As much as I’d like to read your mind, I still haven’t figured out how, so would you think of 3 places you’d like to go, and/or 3 gifts you would enjoy and where to buy them, (photos help) and let me choose.”
  3. You can tell her your budget, be realistic, but not stingy. Remember this is supposed to feel good to both of you. If it breaks the bank and you feel resentful, that won’t work.
  4. Go with what she tells you she wants. It’s okay to embellish it. The more thought you put into it, the more she’ll appreciate it.
  5. It will go a long way, if you make a point to compliment her before you go out. Women need validation from their partner when they take the time to dress up for them. Of course, this is good every time you go out. 🙂 The result will be a happier woman and more fun because she’ll be more relaxed with you.
I know it’s a hurdle, but when done right, you’ll both feel GREAT and enjoy the time together.
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you like this article, Sign up to receive Building Treasured Relationships E-Zine by Email to learn more great tips for building a solid and satisfying Love Life with your partner.

Men Need Ways to WIN! (tips for Women for Valentine’s Day +)

Setting Him Up to WINFebruary is supposedly the month of love, but unfortunately, for many couples it’s often a month of pressure and disappointment.

It’s the month of unclear expectations and trying to out do your last attempt at Valentines’ Day.

We are inundated by the media about what we’re supposed to do to celebrate: buy this diamond; go to this restaurant; surprise your partner with this or that gift.

The truth is that what you hear from someone other than your partner may or may not be what your love truly desires and you end up with disappointment.

Or maybe you get your hopes up but never let your partner know what you want Valentine’s Day to look like for you, and you end up getting an eyelash curler like I did one year.

He was confused because I was so disappointed. It was in this beautiful bag from a store filled with beautiful, sparkly makeup, and out of all that he’d chosen an eyelash curler!

Evidence that he didn’t know me or love me, I thought! And we broke up shortly thereafter.

Looking back, I know why he was confused. I had imagined what would make me happy, but I hadn’t let him know what I wanted, and when men are made to guess at what you want, they will opt for something they think you need. Can you see how this is a set up for failure?

If this sounds familiar. I want to give you some important tips to help your guy to win with you and make this month special instead of frustrating.

Make Sure Your Man Can Win With You!

  1. If you want a romantic dinner, think of a few places in different price ranges you’d like that would suit your fancy and be open to going on a different night if it’s totally booked on Valentines’ Day. Especially if either one of you is going to be tired from a long week. Find a time that you can have a romantic time without being exhausted.
  2. If you like gifts, think of 3 things that you’d be really happy receiving for Valentines’ Day in different price ranges. Let your partner know what they are. If you can take a photo, do it. This will take the guessing out of it and help him to win with you.
  3. Take care of yourself, like taking a bath, getting a massage, listening to your favorite music, and putting on something that makes you feel amazing, so that you’re in good shape to be happy and have a good time whatever he chooses from your options.
  4. Appreciate him for doing (or attempting to do) what you desire! Show him you’re happy! If he never sees himself winning with you, he’ll give up. This is CRITICAL!

Your man isn’t a mind reader. If you want something special, you’ve got to let him know. He spends all year trying to make you happy, and this one day is seen as the “end-all, be-all” to relationship success by women. It’s not. It’s just a day.

Giving your guy WAYS TO WIN will endear him to you.
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist

If you like this article, Sign up to receive Building Treasured Relationships E-Zine by Email to learn more great tips for building a solid and satisfying Love Life with your partner.

 

 

Top 5 Tips for Nurturing Your Relationship in 2016

Instead of focusing on the problems in your relationship, make a commitment to build the loving and joyful partnership you want.
How to Nurture Your Love
You can start right now by focusing on what’s working in your relationship.

Try using the following Top 5 Tips for Nurturing Your Relationship in 2016!

  1. When your partner gets angry, instead of responding with anger, choose to see the anger as fear. Listen for the fear behind the words, and imagine him or her like a hurt little child who doesn’t know how to ask for comfort and reassurance. This will help you respond with love and compassion instead of reacting to the anger. By listening instead of engaging in an argument, you minimize the fallout from the anger. This will deepen your connection instead of breaking your relationship.
  2. When you notice yourself resisting your partner as he or she expresses feelings, STOP and ASK YOURSELF “What is being expressed here that I am fearful of looking at: in myself or in my past?” Relationships, by their very nature, will bring up wounds from your past. By noticing what triggers you, you can use the trigger for healing and closure. This will create space for you two to be present with each other.
  3. Once a week, set aside some time to clear up any Emotional Tension that has built up in your relationship. Use this time to communicate Your Truth with your partner about whatever you may not have handled and may need to be cleaned up. Let your partner know what you’re feeling without blaming them. Really listen to each other with an open heart and respond when the speaker is complete. Take turns. This will deepen your relationship and create a fresh place for you both to move forward in.
  4. Use the 3 A’s of Relationships (Attention, Appreciation, Affection) with your partner 3 times a day, for at least 3 minutes. It will feed your partner’s heart. You will begin to see your partner glow RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES! And you will feel Glowy yourself! For an additional bonus add in Acceptance and Allowing, and watch your partner’s heart melt.
  5. Make love from choice instead of obligation. Choose to nurture your relationship. Learn what sex does for your partner. We often assume it’s about taking, but it can be about joining and connection. Making love causes the bonding hormone oxytocin to flow, deepening your experience, and making the day-to-day demands of life flow more comfortably and lessen your stress level.
If you’ve been having problems connecting with your partner and building the relationship that you want, I offer Relationship Breakthrough Sessions for Singles, Couples or Partners Flying Solo ready to create Conscious Partnership!
Click Here to Learn More and Signup!
To Love!
Kimi Avary
Relationship Navigation Specialist